Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

My mum recalled tonight how I screamed when I was sat on sand for the first time. I can tolerate it now but not if it's crunchy in any way or cold and wet or dries onto my feet. She also recalls how I would never open my birthday presents in front of people. I wasn't as bad at Christmas but birthdays I was "rude" about presents. If only the 70s had been more clued up on girls and autism. I told Dd for a pre-assessment thing and was told that eye contact plus friends equals NT. it did t matter that those friendships were superficial and full of drama and constantly ending and bed one's starting up because she just couldn't respect boundaries or understand how other people feel. Despite her chaotic mind her ability to recite 3 digit numbers backwards equaled NT and dismissal from the service with the recommendation of counselling .

My thoughts are like a kaleidoscope. They constantly shift and change within seconds so I can rarely verbalise my thoughts.

@beautifullymad

I've also come to realise that rarely is my brain ever quiet. I don't recall a time before my husband that it was quiet.

I liken it to a big bag of ping pong balls being dropped onto a hard floor. Each ball is a thought or sensation, pinging away.

My lovely husband is the first person I've ever experienced inner peace with. He understands how to quieten my brain. The balls stop.

He is a huge frame and will lay on me (carefully), this deep heavy pressure almost makes me sleep instantly as the noise stops. The other thing that quietens me is deep pressure from massage.
I always fall asleep Instantly. It's like a switch. Having experienced the quietness I must say, it's rather addictive.

Other activities requiring intense concentration lessen the noise but it's still present.

He's very tolerant. There are many things I can't cope with, that he takes on. Weird things like buttons. I can't cope with the sensation of buttons going through a hole.
I can't cope with loose hairs on my skin, certain everyday smells make me vomit. And clothing has to be flat seams, no ruffles or buttons and comfy fabric and big knickers!
Certain colours cause distress too, not overtly, it builds over time. Orange is one. There is no orange in my home.

For the first time in my life I am the real me. I'm not masking, I'm me, wearing odd wellies because they are comfy. Spinning and singing, talking to myself, stimming. I wish I'd met my husband 30 years ago. Living with acceptance is awesome.

Sorry not wanting to butt in but the inner noise is why many NT people drink. Large husband sounds good though!

Hello everyone

Our normal washing liquid has changed formulation. It smells so different now. I feel so wrong in fresh clothes since the change, the universe goes all skewed and wonky and out of kilter.

Does anyone else find that when out walking past houses where the washing machine is going ( and presumably where the wind's in the right direction ) the scent grabs you and makes you queasy, so you hurry past to be out of the cloud? And he says "What smell??"

Does anyone else find that when out walking past houses where the washing machine is going ( and presumably where the wind's in the right direction ) the scent grabs you and makes you queasy, so you hurry past to be out of the cloud? And he says "What smell??"

Yes, we have several Air Freshener Alleys where we are. Also, fabric softener. I'm quietly going green as I walk by 🤢

Ds and I hate the smell of ripe bananas. DD eats t hem in her room.

I'm awful with smells. NTB of course has a bad sense of smell so thinks I'm crazy when I need to get to the bottom of a smell and he can't smell it at all. There is something in certain products with a smell that goes directly into my brain. I don't know what it is, it's not just the fragrance (I'm ok with certain fabric softener) but some things just have a piercing smell. I can't explain it and NTB definitely thinks I'm crazy when I try to get him to understand the 'certain smell in my brain'

I liked the video on CBBC where they showed a mixing desk with the background noises turned down to 1 whereas the autistic lad turned them down to only 9. So concentrating on the speaker but not able to block out the other noises.

Not sure about light. The videos don't show how I experience brightness. I do find it too bright frequently but it is hard to capture that.

I hate flickering fluorescent lights. They make me agitated.

I can detect changes in air heat as I walk along the landing. It's only a small landing too. And can walk towards a door/wall in the dark and sense its presence before I make contact with it.

Oh yes! The search for the source, the reason, the duration of that smell, or that sound, or that light, or that movement.

A while ago, we moved our sitting room from the front to the back of the house. Immediate and massive reduction of stress without people and cars passing by. Wish we'd done it years ago!

Recently divorced but following.

I remember taking our sons to their annual child development centre appointment and we walked in, I stopped dead in the doorway and said "you've changed your chairs!" The Dr said "nobody else has even noticed"

I couldn't settle because the room wasn't how I was expecting and I had to stop myself asking him lots of questions about it because I knew obviously that wouldn't be appropriate. The appts were about my children but I struggled because I wanted to talk about the chairs. In hindsight I probably should have. It would have not taken long and I would have been able to move on then but I was always hyper aware that it was important to not be 'weird' if anyone can relate.

Also, my younger son hasn't recovered from the blood tests and TV debacle earlier this week.

He is awake most of the night and this morning at about 5am he started bringing the contents of his room into my room. He woke me up by saying to me "you can't get someone's attention by grabbing their throat".

That's me instantly wide awake because that was clearly what he wanted to do to me! I'll be locking my door tonight.

When he is in a bad way he empties his room of all his possessions and lives in it like it's a prison cell. During times of stress he can't cope with "stuff".

I wish every NT partner of a ND person was like @beautifullymad partner. To just be totally accepted, understood and actually loved because of who you are is what we all deserve, rather than being barely tolerated at best.

@IncompleteSenten that sounds really hard. Hugs and

How was your day today, did things improve any?

Thanks. Not really but 🤷‍♀️ what can you do? We ride it out.

How is everyone doing?

I'm struggling today. DDs meltdowns are getting worse. She also holds her poo in too, and it's been an issue for a year now that the GP couldn't give a shit about (pardon the pun!) GP just rolls out the "you're a big girl now" trope. School nurse is being good, but still doesn't quite get how bad things are. We do have a CAHMS referral and I need to speak to the head. I'm in sensory overload at the moment though so I'm putting off making appt with head till tomorrow or Monday. Struggling to function today, but trying to at least put one foot in front of other and put a load of washing in.

I have an issue with my elderly Uncle. He has pretty much pushed me to breaking point calling me multiple times a day. He has carers, a social worker and physios and nurses coming in for him. Most of which I've organised. He's not my responsibility although he hasn't got anyone else, hence I feel guilt. But... he doesn't give a stuff about my health, keeps me on the phone as long as possible even though I'm starting to get stressed and panicky. Sometimes even having an asthma attack. I think he enjoys the power. He's 84 and doesn't have dementia. He is lonely, yes but he also knows I'm struggling to look after myself. Last week I had to go mute on him and haven't spoken to him for around 10 days. I've made the decision to call him today to try and explain. But if he's arsey with me, I think I'll have to put he phone down and block his number. My mental health is in the bin, and I've felt better these last 10 days for not being forced into conversation with him. But there's the underlying nagging feeling that he's now 'in a huff with me' My Mum says he doesn't understand. I say he doesn't want to understand. He's been selfish his whole life.

I know it's easy to say and hard to do but you have to put things into two piles.
Things I can deal with
Things I cannot deal with.

He falls into the latter.

Think about what you would be able to manage for yourself, for your child, with the mental energy you currently allocate to him.

You can't do everything. You have to prioritise. It's ok if he doesn't make the list. You're running on empty and you need to put yourself first in order to be sure of meeting your and your child's needs.

Thank you @IncompleteSenten you're totally right and I've given myself a bloody good talking to. It's a ludicrous way to live and one I've been conditioned to do by others for so long in my life

right back

That sounds so hard @RainbowZebraWarrior, there is only so much each of us can do for our families and friends. Like @IncompleteSenten said, you absolutely must make time for yourself, having your own health fail won't help those people either.

I'm having a gritted teeth week, had another load of work dumped on me even though half our team are still out on mat leave, and to be honest I feel like some of our other managers aren't pulling their weight, not contactable while WFH, etc. I struggle with delivering bad feedback though as it always seems to cause an argument or petty resentment later down the line.
DH is struggling with his mental health at the moment too and is working excessive hours on his current contract so it's quite a down mood in our house this week. So I've been doing too much scrolling on mumsnet and getting irritated at NTs doing the usual "let's talk about autistic people" threads, like it's a new hobby .....

@EatSleepRantRepeat thanks x

I get what you mean. I think the thread you commented on (keep meaning to tag you on that) by the NT person wanting to understand 'Autistic' people was very well meaning. But the one that pushed me to my limits today was the person who couldn't possibly understand the woman who drove her kid to school every day while the rest of them walked. That is everything a NT person does to dismiss possible hidden disabilities and smacks of the typical MN 'I'm alright, Jack' trope

And sorry you're being dumped on

Bad 24hrs here too.

I'm glad others like subtitles on. I feel less weird.

Sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?

@RainbowZebraWarrior I had something similar some years back with my elderly MIL phoning me up constantly because she was bored, in the end I had to learn to say "look, I'm very busy at the moment, but I'll call you later in the week." And then put the phone down. At the time she lived in N.Ireland with the rest of the family nearby, and we were dealing with teenage stepchild with serious mental heath issues between Europe and England.

It was really hard as I am /or I was, before the menopause, a people pleaser. Now I say no and mean it. MIL now lives with us and is in the garrulous stage of dementia, living in the past and repeating the same stories ad infinitum. She keeps trying to hug me - you've never seen me move away so fast, can't do that! It's much harder face to face, but me doing the vacuuming gets her away to her appartment to watch television PDQ. I use the noise as a wall.

Enough of me, please look after you and your immediate family's needs first or you will be trodden into the ground by other's demands, I'm sending an 'un-hug' and an 'un handhold' to you in support

Here's hoping everyone has a better day.
I was thinking of dates after looking at Facebook memories and remembered getting into trouble on Facebook being pedantic about what classes as a baby being x number of months old. Lots of people classed a month as 4 weeks but my baby could only make a month milestone if it was the say 5th of the month because months have different lengths so it has to be a calendar month. I got so upset because they were taking the piss and criticising but my brain just couldn't handle the lack of preciseness. Can anyone relate to this?