Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

I was just talking to my Mum yesterday about the beach. Sand was the devil and I screamed every time I was taken to the beach. Heaven knows why my family persevered with this when I was a kid.

Ditto cornflour. I used to force myself to go to toddler groups with DD. They always did really fucked up shit like making a mess with cornflour and water. Sent my brain in a spin.

Can't stand washing powder. Never been able to wash by hand. Slimy! Urgh. I also can't touch newspaper. Hate the feeling of newsprint on my fingertips. Can't have one hand wet and one hand dry then go to dry the wet hand on a towel. Most Discombobulating

Wet wood - who are these people that can suck the ice lolly stick at the end 🤢

And yes to sand. I remember SIL came to visit when we first moved here, she was amazed that we lived near a beach, told me how lucky we were and how many fun summers we would have with the kids. I took them once, once, in 20 years

Oh my bloody hell yes! who are these people that can suck the ice lolly stick at the end I cannot go anywhere near that last bit of a magnum, DH has to finish it.

My DS actually sucks wet wood and would eat it though so we have to watch him

And sand.... shivers

@elelel

Wet wood - who are these people that can suck the ice lolly stick at the end 🤢

And yes to sand. I remember SIL came to visit when we first moved here, she was amazed that we lived near a beach, told me how lucky we were and how many fun summers we would have with the kids. I took them once, once, in 20 years

Yesss when I moved in with DH I had to replace his wooden spoons with silicone ones because there are few feelings worse than a wet wooden spoon.

Even the thought of eating a chippy with one of those little wooden forks makes me gag.

I hate acrylic jumpers. I made the mistake of chewing one once when I was a kid 😱😱😱

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

I hate acrylic jumpers. I made the mistake of chewing one once when I was a kid 😱😱😱

With you there - this sent a huge shudder right through me 😖

I'm one of the wood chewers - not just a sucker
I also chew cake cases. As does DS1, who eats paper full stop.

I had some good news today - finally finished my latest round of therapy for some of my other mental illness issues. Glad to have it over with, it's so difficult just being given a stranger as a phone counsellor and having to explain everything!

Does anyone else have massive difficulties trying to do mindfulness exercises? The whole thing about focusing on the sensations in your body and the environment noises, smells etc actually makes me feel so much worse but it seems like a bog-standard one-size-fits-all approach these days.

@EatSleepRantRepeat yes, I can't do mindfulness at all. My mind does not focus or clear. I avoid sensations generally. Focussing on them is anathema.

@EatSleepRantRepeat yeah i think mindfulness (while great for many people) is a) seen as a bit of a panacea these days and b) geared towards NT people. Our minds just don’t have a ‘quiet’ setting!

Also, I’ve been watching a few of those immersive ‘what it’s like to have autism’ youtube videos and while I don’t have issues with bright light etc, the ‘autism simulation’ is just normal (albeit stressful) noise to me. To see it presented as some unimaginable and weird hardship makes me realise just how little the majority of NT people understand us. And they say we’re the ones who lack empathy!

Glad I’m not alone on the texture thing! Looking back, all the signs were there as a very small child - as well as my aforementioned aversion to sand etc, I was terrified of almost all noises (church bells, dogs three gardens away, motorbikes, etc etc). I was hyperlexic; I was speaking in full sentences and learning latin words at 18 months (because I was such a good mimic) and reading at 3. I was also completely bloody mystified by other children But because the model of autism diagnosis in the early 90s was pretty much restricted to (mostly) non-verbal boys, I was written off as shy, antisocial, blunt, either too talkative or too quiet, and just plain weird.

I can’t tell you how validating this thread is. To hear so many women speaking to my experience is incredible. Thank you all

I used to think mindfulness was all about being quiet but I've since discovered it doesn't have to be about that at all. I do attempt to do a couple minutes a day now and it does have a positive impact on me.

Also, I’ve been watching a few of those immersive ‘what it’s like to have autism’ youtube videos and while I don’t have issues with bright light etc, the ‘autism simulation’ is just normal (albeit stressful) noise to me. To see it presented as some unimaginable and weird hardship makes me realise just how little the majority of NT people understand us. And they say we’re the ones who lack empathy!

I wonder what NT actually perceive when they're out and about. Also, why do they need to have the radio and TV up so high? Can they literally not hear things very well?

Urgh. I hated mindfulness.

It was suggested to me years back and apparently I was to bring a mat to sit on the floor and there'd be lots of eye closing and shit and there would be several people.

No bloody chance. It sounded ridiculous.

Mind you, I'm really not great with that shiy. I got sacked by a hypnotherapist after she wanted me to visualise myself sitting under a tree and started on about me picturing my inner child.

Fyi - you can't laugh at hypnotherapists. They are ridiculously sensitive about it.

I do wonder what NT people percieve when out. I don't think I see everything - there are plenty of things I don't notice about people or situations but I feel the air, the smells, what the shape of things are, the colours - I wonder if my 'normal' setting is what some people percieved under a heightened state of awareness or on hallucinogens.
But I am with you under the fact that my mind doesn't do quiet - it has to be guided into a 'standby' mode and even then it's not a given that I succeed.

I signed up to that Calm meditation app and it freaked me out good style.
I tried one of the meditations and did what it said and it felt like my mind went completely blank and I really panicked. I'm not used to a brain that isn't thinking things constantly and I really didn't like it.
I actually like my thoughts. I could sit with my thoughts all day!

[quote TwittleBee]@RainbowZebraWarrior I've been told this by a few close friends too. It has certainly got me thinking. I don't want to leave him but things definitely can't go on like this for the kids.

@KnitFastDieWarm not powdery ones unless they're really dry feeling like chalk or cornflour. I cannot stand corduroy or velvet and similar fabrics.

@Summersnake I'm still waiting diagnosis for autism here too[/quote]
Just wanted to add that I still have to co-parent with DDs Dad and I have had to be firm with him about him saying "she can't keep getting her own way" etc. I literally spell it out to him. I call him (and his parents) out every time. It's hard to fight for your child when you struggle yourself so I get it that you don't want to end your relationship. But I do hope you can make him understand better

I've also come to realise that rarely is my brain ever quiet. I don't recall a time before my husband that it was quiet.

I liken it to a big bag of ping pong balls being dropped onto a hard floor. Each ball is a thought or sensation, pinging away.

My lovely husband is the first person I've ever experienced inner peace with. He understands how to quieten my brain. The balls stop.

He is a huge frame and will lay on me (carefully), this deep heavy pressure almost makes me sleep instantly as the noise stops. The other thing that quietens me is deep pressure from massage.
I always fall asleep Instantly. It's like a switch. Having experienced the quietness I must say, it's rather addictive.

Other activities requiring intense concentration lessen the noise but it's still present.

He's very tolerant. There are many things I can't cope with, that he takes on. Weird things like buttons. I can't cope with the sensation of buttons going through a hole.
I can't cope with loose hairs on my skin, certain everyday smells make me vomit. And clothing has to be flat seams, no ruffles or buttons and comfy fabric and big knickers!
Certain colours cause distress too, not overtly, it builds over time. Orange is one. There is no orange in my home.

For the first time in my life I am the real me. I'm not masking, I'm me, wearing odd wellies because they are comfy. Spinning and singing, talking to myself, stimming. I wish I'd met my husband 30 years ago. Living with acceptance is awesome.

@BeyondShrinks I also wanted to reply to you. When I was first diagnosed with EDS, my boyfriend tried to liken it to his cruciate ligament operation. In an extremely patronising and exasperated fashion, I might add. I use crutches and will be likely wheelchair using in the near future. Him likening his temporary (albeit nasty) injury to my lifelong condition was one of the final nails in the coffin

Your DH sounds lovely @beautifullymad - I've been tempted by weighted blankets but I don't want yet another 'thing' around the house. I'm on a huge clearout at the moment of the stuff I collect hoard when I'm stressed out. Glad other people here struggle with mindfulness - focusing on the sensations can cause my physical pain at times. I guess it's just another cheap mantra for some like "go for a run" - exercise is energising so I find it doesn't turn my brain off at all unless I'm in the pool.

Fyi - you can't laugh at hypnotherapists. They are ridiculously sensitive about it

Agree there @IncompleteSenten and your post made me snort laughing - I found my sessions quite relaxing but not quite as useful as they'd have us believe. Maybe we're just less susceptible, I had 6 sessions but was just very relaxed, there is no way they could make me quack like a duck or something! I wonder how Derren Brown does it

Your husband sounds lovely @beautifullymad
I've also stopped masking as much as I can. It makes a massive difference to my comfort levels.

@beautifullymad

I've also come to realise that rarely is my brain ever quiet. I don't recall a time before my husband that it was quiet.

I liken it to a big bag of ping pong balls being dropped onto a hard floor. Each ball is a thought or sensation, pinging away.

My lovely husband is the first person I've ever experienced inner peace with. He understands how to quieten my brain. The balls stop.

He is a huge frame and will lay on me (carefully), this deep heavy pressure almost makes me sleep instantly as the noise stops. The other thing that quietens me is deep pressure from massage.
I always fall asleep Instantly. It's like a switch. Having experienced the quietness I must say, it's rather addictive.

Other activities requiring intense concentration lessen the noise but it's still present.

He's very tolerant. There are many things I can't cope with, that he takes on. Weird things like buttons. I can't cope with the sensation of buttons going through a hole.
I can't cope with loose hairs on my skin, certain everyday smells make me vomit. And clothing has to be flat seams, no ruffles or buttons and comfy fabric and big knickers!
Certain colours cause distress too, not overtly, it builds over time. Orange is one. There is no orange in my home.

For the first time in my life I am the real me. I'm not masking, I'm me, wearing odd wellies because they are comfy. Spinning and singing, talking to myself, stimming. I wish I'd met my husband 30 years ago. Living with acceptance is awesome.

What a lovely success story. Sounds like you are the perfect match for each other. It's rare (I think) but you are proof that it can and does happen