Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

@TwittleBee I'm sorry you're having a shit evening.
It's reassuring for me to hear that your DP is also so blind to how being autistic impacts your family- if it makes you feel any better mine's the same, and often sees my issues as things I need to just get over.

I don't think this comes from a heartless place from him, more lack of understanding. He is always helpful when there are practical issues (like trying to access a private dx assessment because the nhs wait is ridiculous) to be addressed, but he just can't wrap his head around how the implications of noise (for example) have vary between him and me.

I'm at fault here for not really articulating how my ASC impacts me- I do find myself masking with him. I guess I don't want my autism to be a defining characteristic of our relationship, so more often than that I don't push the issue and cope where I can/ meltdown where I can't. Which is of course a stupid attitude to have and not at all helpful practically.

@TwittleBee

Absolutely shit show this evening when I returned from work. I could hear my 2 DSs screaming as I pulled up in the car.

Feel awful as I didn't communicate with them that it would be DH picking them up and not me. I'm just so shit at remembering this stuff for them, which DH (and me) finds infuriating because I need to be told this sort of thing. I always need these pre-warnings so why don't I remember they do too!

DH, or rather NTB, has no sympathy for our eldest DS though, he had just left him with his school bag and coat still on, hyperventilating in the kitchen. Broke my heart to see him like that.

Total evening written off now of course and I know a whole evening of meltdown like that means restless night all round.

Comments thrown at me by NTB..."He just needs to learn he can't have it his way all the time" and "he needs to grow up and realise its not how the world works" and "stop bloody defending him, he is wrong for screaming like that over nothing" 💔 NTB has no idea

I already feel like I've said too much tonight, but it was comments like this from my daughter's Dad that made me leave him

Ah the mention of 'work in the house' being done has reminded me how awful my house is

I honestly can't cope with the contacting and arranging and getting quotes etc. NTB can do it but he won't do it right, he will tell tradespeople anything because he doesn't fucking listen. This is because he is always trying to work out what I mean; he still doesn't fully understand it is what I say. Things get left until crisis point usually. The internet has made things slightly easier because I can research and contact by email / text etc but if it needs a call I just struggle so much. For years I wanted my back garden done into a drive (we have rear access) but never had the money for it. 4 years ago I came into a few thousand. Did I get the drive done, as I had always dreamed of? Nope - it's still an overgrown shithole of a garden and my car is parked out front on the road

This is such a useful thread since it is so easy to run foul of the ban hammer on other places since it turns out I find it as hard to interact with most NT people online as I do in real life.
Feel like a bit of an intruder since I'm ND and both my boys are ND and I am married to someone who I suspect is ND but hasn't been diagnosed.

It would be useful to have our own place where we can discuss things as autistic people and not find it goes sideways to Shitpost alley.

@amusedbush

Gosh, your interpretation of 'my skin felt fizzy' was ace.

[quote AffIt]@amusedbush

Gosh, your interpretation of 'my skin felt fizzy' was ace.[/quote]
Thank you

I'm not always great at verbalising what I'm feeling. DH asked me what was wrong earlier and I said "my whole body feels like polystyrene touching cardboard". He had no idea what I meant but he sympathised

@jennalong ...this thread is definitely not a welcoming or caring thread for anyone who suspects they are ND or their partners ..just avoid.

[quote Reallycantbesarsed]@jennalong ...this thread is definitely not a welcoming or caring thread for anyone who suspects they are ND or their partners ..just avoid.[/quote]

You are correct. The title is quite clear. That isn't a bad thing. It's ok for us to have a thread that isn't all about other people.

[quote Reallycantbesarsed]@jennalong ...this thread is definitely not a welcoming or caring thread for anyone who suspects they are ND or their partners ..just avoid.[/quote]
Why would you tag someone into a thread that you think they should avoid? That’ll bring her back in.

I have a family birthday tomorrow. We are going out for a meal to our favourite restaurant. I cope because it's small yet spacious and I know the menu and staff and feel relaxed (ish) there. Afterwards it's back home for cake and presents and although there will only be 3 additional people I find it stressful. I take too much, never seem to be able to involve everyone in the conversation or include them in eye contact so I feel like I'm not giving people equal attention and afterwards it's past dc bedtime and there's mess to clear away and I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I love them all dearly and don't see two of them often and they are restful people but I get overwhelmed and heave a big sigh of relief when it's just the 4 of us again. Does anyone have any coping strategies for family relationships and situations like this? I'm a single parent but have to coparent with my abusive exH who is NT if narcissists can be NT. I'm not sure if there should be 3 categories of ND, NT, and bastard sociopath disguised as a charming good guy. I find navigating communicating with him an absolute minefield. I ask a very specific question. He gives a politician's reply and I have to ask several more times wondering if it's me that is the one who is somehow messing things up. Life is so bloody complicated at times. I dream of a log cabin somewhere fairly remote where I can switch off and enjoy nature and nurture my mind in solitude. I love mumsnet as it's my idea of socialising that requires little of me although it's tricky at times and I get very frustrated with some threads.

@BeyondShrinks - yes, that's the word - I couldn't remember how to spell it!

@amusedbush ‘polystyrene touching cardboard’ is SO accurate, i’m stealing that

also, anyone else have issues with certain powdery textures? I CANNOT touch flour, fine sand, talc, clay or chalk. As in, I physically recoil from these things and have to delegate beach/sandpit duty with DC to DH .

@amusedbush that is such a good descriptor

I also like 'personality chameleon' used by a poster up-thread to describe how she behaved with previous partners - I've been there, much to my shame.

DP mostly lets me be me, but has a v annoying habit of telling me what to say if I phone the GPs or ring up to pay a bill, etc. Currently he's WFH again, I wish he'd do it in his bloody office and not at the kitchen table. I hate being talked at incessantly when he's bored, I can't focus on it or take any of it in.

@KnitFastDieWarm tried to post once and it disappeared
textures - cornflour - shudders! Ugh! can cope with the others, and bake bread so used to normal flour

@KnitFastDieWarm

also, anyone else have issues with certain powdery textures? I CANNOT touch flour, fine sand, talc, clay or chalk. As in, I physically recoil from these things and have to delegate beach/sandpit duty with DC to DH .

Not powdery textures, but anything with a soft rubbery texture I can’t touch (soft silicon cake sheets / stress balls). Similar reaction to you.

NTs tend to think it’s funny to chase me with those type of things, so I try not to let on.

not too bad on textures. unless I pick up something squishy that I thought would be firm. I usually scream then. touch my face though and I want to hit you as it is so painful.

I’ve 2 kids diagnosed with autism ,a dh who isn’t diagnosed and refuses to be ,2 other kids not diagnosed,but one definitely should be ,and me .I’m on the last leg of getting a diagnosis,yeah it’s hard

Oh I just realised this is a thread for autistic people with dp who isn’t autistic…oh I was excited at having somewhere to chat about my struggles as a nearly diagnosed autistic woman ..am I ok to stay and chat …or not ????

@Summersnake

Oh I just realised this is a thread for autistic people with dp who isn’t autistic…oh I was excited at having somewhere to chat about my struggles as a nearly diagnosed autistic woman ..am I ok to stay and chat …or not ????

Yes of course, hi :)

I'm not officially diagnosed yet either - long wait for assessment where I am. Though I have related professional knowledge so I have no doubt of the outcome.

This thread seems to have moved on to more general support as we're all so excited to 'find our people', as someone said upthread. Hopefully we'll get our own board @mnhq hint

@RainbowZebraWarrior I've been told this by a few close friends too. It has certainly got me thinking. I don't want to leave him but things definitely can't go on like this for the kids.

@KnitFastDieWarm not powdery ones unless they're really dry feeling like chalk or cornflour. I cannot stand corduroy or velvet and similar fabrics.

@Summersnake I'm still waiting diagnosis for autism here too

@KnitFastDieWarm not powdery ones but cold wet ones are awful. For example I really can't bear raw meat, I feel physically sick when I touch it, but thankfully DH will come and prep it for me if I'm cooking for someone else.

Autism diagnosis.:get referred. Wait around for two years. Receive forms: we need these back in two weeks. (Extra tricky if school have to do some too)

Why? You had two years to get forms out at least give us four weeks!

Good luck with the process. It was horrible being Schroedinger's autistic.

I'll join. I have autism and adhd. My husband is NT

@KnitFastDieWarm

also, anyone else have issues with certain powdery textures? I CANNOT touch flour, fine sand, talc, clay or chalk. As in, I physically recoil from these things and have to delegate beach/sandpit duty with DC to DH .

Right there with you. I HATE the beach because the feeling of sand on my skin is 🤢

Also that super fine powder like cornflour… it squeaks when you touch it 🤮 ditto a loose translucent setting power I bought to set my make up, I had to give it away.

I’ve had to buy a scoop with a handle for the washing powder because I can’t bear the feeling of it. I once used the little cup that came with it and as I scooped from the box, some washing powder went under my nails 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻 (freaking out flappy hands emoji 😂)