Page 11 | Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

IncompleteSenten · 2022-01-08T19:36:21+00:00

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me. Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why. My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

elelel · 10/01/2022 12:53

No no no no no.

I'm sorry but if you pop.

We don't welcome this kind of 'we are all a bit...'

That's rude, arrogant, dismissive and absolutely not what this thread is about.

Why are you here, as a NT anyway?

heyhoehey · 10/01/2022 13:01

@elelel, sorry to offend.

Was just saying I recognise some of the feelings expressed. Which I fully understand is not the same as having autism. The reason for saying it is in explanation of why some NT people might say this. They are seeking to emphasise and looking for similarities which is in no way synonymous with being identical.

But you are absolutely correct, strictly speaking in absolutes it is not the same. I acknowledge that. I should have appreciated my language would probably annoy as it was not precise enough.

Why are you here, as a NT anyway?

I think sometimes an understanding of people's motivations can help diffuse some of the conflicts. Other people are annoying but not always on purpose.

ofwarren · 10/01/2022 13:03

No other disability/illness/condition gets the "we are all a little bit.." treatment, except maybe OCD.
Imagine telling a diabetic that we are all a little bit diabetic because you sometimes get low blood sugar or telling a migraine sufferer that you also get migraines because you occasionally get headaches.
It totally minimises our diagnosis and our struggles.

elelel · 10/01/2022 13:04

This reply has been deleted

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elelel · 10/01/2022 13:06

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elelel · 10/01/2022 13:08

I suppose, as always, it was good while it lasted. I really thought this thread was going to make it. Sadly not. Another NT comes along to tell us we are reading their language incorrectly- ironic considering they thread title

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 10/01/2022 13:12

It totally minimises our diagnosis and our struggles

This ^

Our feelings and behaviour are recognisable to NTs because they're human behaviours and feelings. There the similarity ends. We process information and stimuli differently and therefore react to it differently. Because NTs are focused on making connections with others, they seize upon anything that sounds familiar and use it to try to identify with the other person. But they get it wrong with autistic people because the connections don't marry up and communication difficulties then arise.

There's also an underlying inference from NTs that if only autistics tried harder then they'd overcome their difficulties. Again, it just doesn't work like that. We're not second rate people, we're different.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 10/01/2022 13:13

Maybe given we're getting a good response to this thread, when we hit 40 pages and need a new one, we can put a very clear description at the top (which we could all agree on) as to who the thread is for, what the thread is for, and some brief do's and don'ts? NT people thinking we're getting defensive often have no idea how often we hear this stereotypical language and arguments, plus as an autistic space they're going to get a far more blunt response than they are used to if they post. I don't like gatekeeping, but sometimes it is necessary if we're not going to keep getting derailed.

AutisticLegoLover · 10/01/2022 13:14

@hopperrock omg you've just nutshelled so many relationship conversations where people think it's unreasonable to want to know a time so you can calm your brain about things. Well why do you need to know a time? You're not going out anywhere. That's not the fucking point, I just need to know. I think it's bloody rude of people to turn up when they please

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 10/01/2022 13:14

Any NT that's interested, go and read Neurotribes by Steve Silberman.

ofwarren · 10/01/2022 13:16

There's also an underlying inference from NTs that if only autistics tried harder then they'd overcome their difficulties. Again, it just doesn't work like that.

Exactly that. I've had 42 years of trying harder and it doesn't work. My life was just a cycle of trying then crashing and burning.
I can't fake it any more, it made me suicidal.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 10/01/2022 13:16

And I know I sound like that when I talked about diagnoses, but in real life groups where we've opened up to non-dx'd people because we know about horrendous NHS delays, we've ended up having this problem every single time. It's really hard to find a solution that doesn't exclude people who need it.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 10/01/2022 13:17

@AutisticLegoLover

I can't sit on the sofa or lie in bed without stroking my left foot repeatedly back and forth. I can remember doing it in bed as far back as when I was 5 years old and was "weird" about birthdays and Christmas. I hid under my bed at my own birthday party, I spent time alone at a friend's party and felt like a fish out of water, and always refused to open presents in front of people. I still hate that and avoid gifts as much as possible. They make me very anxious. Lockdown has been great for me in many ways. I no longer had to think of excuses why I couldn't do things socially. I always used to say yes to things as it's what normal people do right? And then I'd spend the next week worrying about how to get out of it. Drinks in a group in a bar is my idea of hell. Now I have learnt to say sorry I can't make it and don't give an excuse or reason. Lockdown taught me to respect my own boundaries. It provided a much needed filter to the world that was too bright too loud and too confusing. There were people out there in the world who expected things of me and I didn't always know what and worried I'd get it wrong and would perform an intricate post mortem of every social interaction and be anxious about how I'd come across in case I'd been rude or dismissive or made things about me in my bid to be empathic. Fuck me it's exhausting.

Just wanted to say to AutisticLegoLover thanks for this. It's exactly how I try to describe my life to my Mum

heyhoehey · 10/01/2022 13:19

@ofwarren, @elelel, again sorry to offend.

I am not seeking to be condescending, how could I be? I do not know better than you. You hold the knowledge of what it is like to have autism not me. I am not seeking to patronise, again I can not tell you anything you don't know about what it is like to live with having autism.

What I was attempting to do was explain how people who have similar but different experiences might try to empathise by seeking common ground.

elelel · 10/01/2022 13:20

@EatSleepRantRepeat

Maybe given we're getting a good response to this thread, when we hit 40 pages and need a new one, we can put a very clear description at the top (which we could all agree on) as to who the thread is for, what the thread is for, and some brief do's and don'ts? NT people thinking we're getting defensive often have no idea how often we hear this stereotypical language and arguments, plus as an autistic space they're going to get a far more blunt response than they are used to if they post. I don't like gatekeeping, but sometimes it is necessary if we're not going to keep getting derailed.

I'm just so sick of it. It's one thread. One ducking thread on a forum of thousands but still the NT think they have the right to clamber over us, speak for us and of course identify with us. The worst part is I always end up looking like a tit because I'm not articulate, I rush to reply and o can't think straight when I'm so annoyed. Meanwhile NT over there is formulating a clever, well balanced and carefully written response. I'm not able to do that, but please don't be coming here as a NT and tell me you fucking share my disability. Urgh.

Also the amount of times I have had a ban on his site for losing my shit over this issue isn't even funny, but there are threads about this type of silence already. I'm trying hard to stay calm and say what I mean but it's relent difficult.

Please if you are NT just read and be respectful. You absolutely don't share anything with me. And this bollocks that you are different because you can overcome things as if we are some special sorts that never can - get an absolute grip of yourself. You have no idea how much autistic people have to and can overcome.

elelel · 10/01/2022 13:23

This reply has been deleted

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TwittleBee · 10/01/2022 13:24

Oh wow, didn't expect that comment to get that reply! Like wtf!? Really?

It's the exact sort of reason we need this support and actually I hope more NTs do find themselves here and read that conversation

heyhoehey · 10/01/2022 13:24

You have no idea how much autistic people have to and can overcome.

Ok. Sorry. I'll go.

TwittleBee · 10/01/2022 13:24

You have no idea how much autistic people have to and can overcome.

This x100

EatSleepRantRepeat · 10/01/2022 13:25

I'm putting this as kindly as I'm able, but the key thing here is we don't need the opinions of neurotypical people posted throughout the thread. This is a peer support thread for people who have autism. Please feel free to stick around and read and understand, like I might on Black Mumsnetters, but this is primarily a space for autistic people to share and strategise coping mechanisms. Unfortunately people without autism find it hard to understand that what they're posting is either a tired trope or inappropriate.

CorrBlimeyGG · 10/01/2022 13:26

What I was attempting to do was explain how people who have similar but different experiences might try to empathise by seeking common ground.

Do you feel the need to 'explain' things to other minority groups?

RainbowZebraWarrior · 10/01/2022 13:27

Hope we can get thread back on track

AutisticLegoLover · 10/01/2022 13:28

@elelel nah, it's just word salad. Sounds like mansplaining to me. I feel like I've been patted on the head and told there there don't fret pet we are all a bit like that you know, you just need to stop being weird and difficult and awkward and just be normal.As if I'd want to be normal! How dull. I quite like my alternatively wired brain thank you very much. It's the only one I've got and I'm used to it. Just because other people don't like it doesn't mean I have to change anything to fit their ideas of what I should be like. Bugger off you patronising gits.

AutisticLegoLover · 10/01/2022 13:32

Anyway, before we were do rudely interrupted...

My friend and employer has sprung upon me a short break to somewhere we like in a few weeks time. It's all above board but I'm having a flap mentally because the family and I are being driven there when I am used to the train and being under my own steam. It's being paid for us and I feel totally weirded out and anxious. We will be able to do our own thing while there but but but argh!

elelel · 10/01/2022 13:33

@RainbowZebraWarrior

Hope we can get thread back on track

Yes, please - I'm sorry I went off on a rant

Meanwhile DH is wondering why I have told him to wait for an answer to his very simple 'when do you want lunch' question I simply could not give him an answer whilst I was replying to this thread. Another sticking point many years ago he used to say it was rude of me to prioritise what I was doing online to real life but we have long since realised I just can't do a new thing, even a simple conversation about lunch, until I have finished what I am currently doing.