Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

What I was attempting to do was explain how people who have similar but different experiences might try to empathise by seeking common ground.

There is no common ground. The common ground you believe exists always leads to autistic people having to suppress what and who they are which leads to stress, burnout, depression, anxiety and sometimes worse.

@AutisticLegoLover

Anyway, before we were do rudely interrupted...

My friend and employer has sprung upon me a short break to somewhere we like in a few weeks time. It's all above board but I'm having a flap mentally because the family and I are being driven there when I am used to the train and being under my own steam. It's being paid for us and I feel totally weirded out and anxious. We will be able to do our own thing while there but but but argh!

I totally get that. I have to take my son to a hospital in another county 3 times a year and its a 4 hour round trip on the train as we don't have a car. DH can't understand why I won't let someone else drive us there or get a taxi. Dealing with other people is far more stressful to me than the train journey where I can ignore everyone.

I hope you don't mind me asking these questions , but would you say this person is potentially on the spectrum ? They are an adult
Is not a huggy /affectionate person
No empathy
Will only wear the same colour/ same style / brand trousers ( owns many )
Will only wear the above in shoes ( This has been like this for many years )
Interupts you if you doing something ( reading / watching tv ) and give long details of what they have just seen / watched on pc / thought about with no regard that you were doing something.
If out and sees someone they perceive as doing a wrong ( eg. Covid related person may walk quite close ) would say " Watch out a spreader " in quite aloud voice.
If watching a film or series doesn't pick up on clues or different people who may look similar.
Does not make jokes / or sees jokes as funny / does not understand irony at all.
Does not read fiction books .
Not keen on crowds / never phoned anyone including adult children / is very out of sight , out of mind attitude.
There are also lots of other examples but don't want a massive post. What do you think ?

I definitely think we need a disclaimer on the next thread.
ND only

Agreed 🙈

No idea @Jennalong
Start a thread about it and ask other people.
This is a support thread for actually autistic people.

@elelel not your fault. And totally understand. It completely derailed my lunch plans too. This is what NTs don't get

I'm totally derailed too. The headmaster still hasn't come so I've been left in a state of limbo with no idea if he's coming or not.
Feels like a wasted day as I've just been sat here waiting.

I’m getting derailed by the bloody delivery driver not coming within the allocated time slot.

No, I can’t just get on with my day. Someone hasn’t stuck to the timescales they said.

I actually prefer it when there are broader timescales. I can’t deal with specific times not being stuck to. I’m fine if someone says “meet at some point between 1.30 and 2”, but if they say 1.45 and are 5 minutes late, that’s a problem. Anyone else find that?

@Jennalong

What do you think ?

Start a thread of your own?

Well as it states a support group , I thought a little support might have been given.

@Jennalong

Well as it states a support group , I thought a little support might have been given.

Are you autistic?

@Jennalong

Because I’m bored. Just to debunk some of the stereotypes - this is my experience as someone actually autistic

Is not a huggy /affectionate person - Don’t identify with this, I love hugs with the right people
No empathy - completely damaging and inaccurate stereotype
Will only wear the same colour/ same style / brand trousers ( owns many ) - Nope, love different clothes
Will only wear the above in shoes ( This has been like this for many years ) - Yes, but nothing to do with autism - I just have dodgy feet
Interupts you if you doing something ( reading / watching tv ) and give long details of what they have just seen / watched on pc / thought about with no regard that you were doing something. - No, why would I want to do that?
If out and sees someone they perceive as doing a wrong ( eg. Covid related person may walk quite close ) would say " Watch out a spreader " in quite aloud voice. - Not since I was about 8!
If watching a film or series doesn't pick up on clues or different people who may look similar. - That could be prosopagnosia. Which can be linked to autism but doesn’t have to be
Does not make jokes / or sees jokes as funny / does not understand irony at all. - Love irony, sarcasm and all things word-play. Don’t like slapstick much
Does not read fiction books .- Nope, I get through over 300 fiction books per year.
Not keen on crowds / never phoned anyone including adult children / is very out of sight , out of mind attitude. - Probably about the only thing in the list I do identify with

Please don’t reduce us to stereotypes.

I'm asking you that . Do you think I could be ?

@Jennalong

Well as it states a support group , I thought a little support might have been given.

It's a group for autistic people married to NT people. Not a 'do you think I'm autistic' support group. There is plenty of room on mumsnet for both. I don't want to sound rude to you because if you think you may be autistic then your questions are entirely valid, but this isn't the place for them.

Sorry it's a thread. I just copied your wording

Ok I'll fuck off then

@Jennalong

Ok I'll fuck off then

The advice was to start your own thread. This thread is for something else and we were only just getting back on track after a derail. This thread won't work as a support to the people married to NT about being married to NT is we spend all day 'diagnosing' people. You can get plenty of good advice on mumsnet; some of us will come along to your thread with helpful insights, but you need to respect this thread for what it is.

Shit, totally forgot about lunch 🤣🙄😁 I'm in the middle of redoing a bedroom with new bed and having to figure out how everything will now fit, trying to get my dc who are online lessoning today to do their work, wrap birthday presents, plan a cake, tidy up, do laundry, load the dishwasher and my brain has selected lunch as the thing that is not important. I strongly suspect ADD but I of course hide it well as I juggle many things until they all crash down and I am exhausted and tearful.

Glad to see this thread, after occasionally coming across the "other" thread and feeling pretty low before coming to my senses and hiding them. Goodness knows why my assumption was then "ah, maybe mumsnet isn't for ND people" rather than "faff this, better get another thread going"... so, thank you, OP @IncompleteSenten

Waiting on official diagnosis here.

Has anyone else read the Spectrum Women books? Thoughts? Two hive links to them below:

www.hive.co.uk/Product/Barb-Cook/Spectrum-Women--Walking-to-the-Beat-of-Autism/21227368
www.hive.co.uk/Product/Renata-Jurkevythz/Spectrum-Women-Autism-and-Parenting/24920571

@AutisticLegoLover

I'm also wondering if I had ADD/ADHD - I was so focussed for so long on why was 'wrong' with me, then I realised it was probably autism; spent a long time between realisation and diagnosis so I took it and held it with everything I have. As time goes on though a read a lot about ADHD and how common it is for it to exist alongside autism - and so much of me fits into that but then I think I do these things because I'm autistic but maybe I do some of them because of ADHD

I mentioned it to DH and he just looked at me with the 'here we go again' face that he does whenever I mention a new 'thing' - usually it's a special interest or potential obsession, but my own self has been an obsession on and off for years. I think he has no idea what to say in case I fly off the handle (ADHD typical) so he just does the 'I know where this is going' face and makes the right noises - but I don't want him to do that I want him to give me his opinion!! NT people are too weird

I like the look of those Spectrum Woman books. I'm interested to see if others have read them. Looks like they have good reviews.

AARRGGHH!

rant alert. We ordered a new TV and it arrived today. It's broken. Screen has been damaged during delivery. 🤦
My younger son was there and he went into the most epic meltdown. Screaming, banging things, he's trashed his room. He has a diazapam prescription pen so we had to give him one which was a battle because he didn't want to take it.

Now my head is pounding, my stress levels are through the roof. I'm basically hiding! Being as quiet as I can. My other son has locked himself in his bedroom. (that's the procedure we have for our safety during younger son's meltdowns.)

And my husband's had to go out.

Worst possible time!

When he's fully calm I need to go in and check he's not injured himself.

Those of you whose children are also autistic, do you find there's sort of a cascade effect?

Pen = prn

@EatSleepRantRepeat

Maybe given we're getting a good response to this thread, when we hit 40 pages and need a new one, we can put a very clear description at the top (which we could all agree on) as to who the thread is for, what the thread is for, and some brief do's and don'ts? NT people thinking we're getting defensive often have no idea how often we hear this stereotypical language and arguments, plus as an autistic space they're going to get a far more blunt response than they are used to if they post. I don't like gatekeeping, but sometimes it is necessary if we're not going to keep getting derailed.

Good suggestion