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Mumsnet shit tips of the day - come add yours

252 replies

whomovedmychocolatecookie · 09/11/2009 09:14

Have your children delivered by caesarian on 29th February to save on children's birthday parties later on.

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GreenMonkies · 10/11/2009 19:37

By mrsshackleton Tue 10-Nov-09 15:27:29
"Why bother making the bed when you're only going to mess it up again later?"

Do people really still make beds!?

My excuse for not doing ours is that apparently airing them like this stops house dust mites or something........

chegirl · 10/11/2009 19:55

We all know that used tea bags are good for puffy eyes but why stop there?

Left overs can be utilised in so much of the modern gal's beauty routine.

Uneaten Findus Crispy Pancakes make excellent manicure mits. Pop them in a microwave for a warming treat or use them frozen when the summer is taking its toll.

Dont waste the sludge at the bottom of the recycling caddy. Apply to frazzled hair and leave for 40 mins. You wont believe how your crowning glory will look when you wash it off!. But hey dont waste money on expensive shampoos, simply stick your head in the dishwasher as the rinse aid goes through et voila!

AbricotsSecs · 10/11/2009 19:58

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deste · 10/11/2009 20:29

Kids bring home loads of decorated 'junk' from nursery?

Simply put your recycling straight in the bin and save on all the washing and sorting.
Mine were so well trained they went straight to the bin when they stepped in the door. "I'll just pop them in the bin now mum." Fine.

I still think the plastic fruit is classic. I can hear them now, yes the ones who take home uneaten fruit every day. Mum I wanted an apple today and I couldn't eat it. I wonder what the teachers and assistants would think of plastic fruit.

Chulita · 10/11/2009 20:32

If you don't want any more DCs but your DH is too scared to get the snip, just add 2-3 cupfuls of Milton to his bath, leave him to sterilise for at least 30 mins and he'll be sterile and ready for use

Sidge · 10/11/2009 20:34

Run out of tampons? No sanitary towels in the house either? You have 2 options:

  1. Crawl around on the floor gathering all the carpet fluff from the unhoovered corners of the room - hey presto, you can fashion a tampon out of it!

  1. Raid the children's toy box and find a suitable sized piece of Duplo - hey presto, a DIY Mooncup!!
chegirl · 10/11/2009 20:43

Pets can be expensive to fed and treat when things go wrong. Why not just borrow next door's cat?

Simply lure pussy in with a juicy titbit. Add to the fun by getting the kids to chose a new name.

Come 5pm kick the cat out for dinner and tell the kids 'cats arnt allowed to sleep indoors'.

It may be necessary to prevent your kids from going outdoors, this avoids any awkward questions e.g. Mummy why is does Mrs Jones have OUR cat in her house'. Surely the savings are worth this inconvenience?

Turniphead1 · 10/11/2009 20:49

Well-meaning childless people - be sure to give toddlers life-sized, dust collecting, hysterical-crying inducing Cuddly animal toys as birthday presents - and express surprise when they are not in the child's room (which they are bigger than by about 25%) next time you visit.

Where are they? In the attic, covered in four bin liners and waiting til you pop your first sprog....

hormonesnomore · 10/11/2009 20:51

Save wear & tear on your carpets by only letting your family walk on the edges of the stairs.

blinder · 10/11/2009 21:55

embarking on a complex research dissertation?

worried that it will take up too much of your time?

simply get pregnant!

in just nine months you will only be able to type the occasional word as you pace back and forth in front of the computer.

if you still find that you are able to concentrate, just read mumsnet threads, wasting precious minutes!

smackapacka · 10/11/2009 22:02

Moving house?

Don't do it whilst healthy and child-free. Wait until you're either in your third trimester or move shortly after giving birth.

This adds an extra excitement to not buying baby essentials until the last minute, and ensures much hilarity amongst family and friends when you (new mum) aren't participating in the move!

PacificDogwood · 10/11/2009 22:05

Unable to fit car into garage as it is filled with junk prized possessions?

Just advance into garage with some momentum to create instant space (cars are quite sturdily built, these days).

AbricotsSecs · 10/11/2009 22:25

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chegirl · 10/11/2009 22:35

Do you have small children who are constantly asking for things (food, pets, toys and attention). Just answer all enquiries with 'NO. I cant, its not allowed. Its against THE LAW and I will be arrested if I buy you a lolly/kitten/warm coat' Not only will this stop their demands it will also install a healthy respect for authority.

vezzie · 10/11/2009 23:13

Don't use your toilet - get someone else to clear up your shit by using the ones at work, when visiting friends or, last thing at night, popping into the pub at the end of the road.

If you are going to a wedding, clutch one of the bags for laundry tablets scrumpled up in one hand so people think you have crochet gloves.

vezzie · 10/11/2009 23:15

Don't buy any Christmas presents. Just open each one, allow your face to fall into great theatrical surprise and say, "oh! What a coincidence! This is exactly what I got you. Great minds think alike!" and then run upstairs and wrap it (in some paper you have salvaged from some other present)

AnyFuleKno · 10/11/2009 23:18

lol vezzie...tres random

SolidGoldBangers · 10/11/2009 23:29

Cross enough with a neighbour that you want to pee through his/her letterbox, but struggling due to lack of penis? Apparently you can do something ever so useful with an empty 2-pint milk or juice container, sort of cut it so it's a spout thing or something and then you hoist it up to the letterbox (spout pointing in through the letterbox), pull your crackers down, try not to pee on your hand... On second thoughts, just brick their windows.

AnyFuleKno · 10/11/2009 23:30

eating soup? spilled it down your chin? a slice of bread makes for an effective facewipe as well as a delicious accompaniment!

AnyFuleKno · 10/11/2009 23:34

Friends coming round? To tidy your house in a hurry, simply place all movable objects into carrier bags to be concealed in the basement* put dirty pots and dishes in the oven.

Warning - this may result in your electricity being cut off

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 10/11/2009 23:41

chegirl - that is not a shit tip, it's a great one! I'm going to start using it.

littleblu · 10/11/2009 23:51

instead of indulging your dc's obsession with Match Attax cards (or similar) just give out fivers in the playground to all the other children he gives them to anyway, saves a trip to WH Smith and finding a parking space


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whomovedmychocolatecookie · 11/11/2009 00:03

Worried about spoiling your soft furnishings during potty training - move into Ikea and hide in the loos when the stores close. They have plenty of pots to piss in and their furniture is tested to withstand family use so will no doubt be unaffected by the ordure.

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolatecookie · 11/11/2009 00:04

Make your new high heels look designer by tramping through red paint to coat the soles.

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whomovedmychocolatecookie · 11/11/2009 00:07

Give the gift of song to parents by teaching their toddlers very short repetitive rhymes they can sing constantly to delight their parents.

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