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Mumsnet shit tips of the day - come add yours

252 replies

whomovedmychocolatecookie · 09/11/2009 09:14

Have your children delivered by caesarian on 29th February to save on children's birthday parties later on.

OP posts:
displayuntilbestbefore · 10/11/2009 12:48

AppleyDapply - love that one!

hifi · 10/11/2009 12:50

im crying at this thread,its got to be a classic.

Hassled · 10/11/2009 12:51

If the Tooth Fairy manages to forget to come only a couple of times, you'll find that your children quickly lose the faith. Then the Tooth Fairy needs never come again!

And what's more, the same approach might work for a certain Jolly Bearded Gentleman. Your credit crunch Christmas problems will be sorted.

EdgarAllenPoo · 10/11/2009 12:58


instead of wasting time bitching about your MIL on Mumsnet, start your own online business and use the funds to pay for a hitman. much less pain all round.

holdingittogether · 10/11/2009 13:08

if you run out of dishwasher powder/tablets simply put lots and lots of washing up liquid in instead. As a bonus you and your dcs will be able to have a foam party in your kitchen!

Itsjustafleshwound · 10/11/2009 13:18

Tips for parents to be

Thank you BroccoliSpears

pagwatch · 10/11/2009 13:35

I love this thread. And am seriously contemplating buying a plastic banana after reading Stayingsunnygirls tip.

Also like the mentioning sex to stop DCs interupting conversations.
It works well too if you need your teenager to go and do their homework or revision.... " Do you have much homework this evening sweetheart because I thought it was time we had a really frank talk about all manner of sexual practices.I have some photographs and items to illustrate what I think you should know"
( DS1 got straight A*s this year )

Also , when you switch on mumsnet in the morning just whip through all of the AIBU threads and just post Twat.
You will probably only have to go back and retract about 10% - that has got to be quicker

thatsnotmymonster · 10/11/2009 13:36

LOL @ holdingittogether I might just have done that once...or twice...

christmasmoon I don't blame you!

JustAnotherManicMummy · 10/11/2009 13:40

Have a DH who needs constant nagging to get anything done?

Simply record yourself making a rational, reasonable request and set it to play on a loop getting gradually faster, louder and more shrill.

You could use the extra time to go to night school to learn how to do plumbing/brick laying/computer programming/weight-lifting or whatever the required skill is that only DH has to avoid having to ever ask him to do anything again.

BalloonSlayer · 10/11/2009 13:42

Never mind "shit tips" that plastic fruit idea is genius.

"Put an end to sneered-at-by-dinner-lady lunchtime misery with NEW Fakey Fruit. It's fruit! It's fake! It's fab!"

pagwatch · 10/11/2009 13:44

at Fakey Fruit. Its a winner. Tis genius.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 10/11/2009 13:46

Do you have a wandering toddler? Don't want untidy stairgates ruining the look of your beautiful home? Then why not electrify the bottom and top steps? Toddlers will never try to climb alone again.

Scared your small child might leave the house without your knowledge? Electrify the door handle!

Run a small electric current through any object that may be dangerous to small children, a simple and entertaining way of protecting your family. Use it on kitchen cabinets, scissors, favourite objects and much, much more.

IrritatedMe · 10/11/2009 13:53

The sheer volume of the contents of your handbag causing you problems?

Dispense with baby wipes & sippy cups and invest in Alcohol hand rub. Keeps hands and babies bottoms stingingly clean and also a refreshing drink for both mum and tot.

Now everyone is happy!

Rhubarb · 10/11/2009 13:55

If uninvited children turn up at your house, invite them whilst telling them how nice it is that they aren't put off after what happened to the last poor, unfortunate children who came round to play...... then go into the kitchen whilst making cackling noises and turn on the blender.

Unwanted phone calls can be stopped by handing the the phone to the nearest small child and telling them that it's someone who knows all the answers to everything, so ask away!

Avoid painful conversations at the school gates by dribbling uncontrollably should anyone come near.

Babies are best avoided by using condoms.

StarlightMcKenzie · 10/11/2009 13:58

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noddyholder · 10/11/2009 14:00

eat all the chocolate and crisps you want when no one is in as if no one ses you there are no calories

StarlightMcKenzie · 10/11/2009 14:05

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pagwatch · 10/11/2009 14:06

ah Starlight

I am going to use mine for apparently much need cosmetic surgery.
I had to adopt 57 children to get enough DLA to pay my mortgage.

Don't let it get to you

StarlightMcKenzie · 10/11/2009 14:06

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WineBeforePearls · 10/11/2009 14:08

crying now

also at Broccoli Spears' thread which should be handed out as contraception.

StarlightMcKenzie · 10/11/2009 14:08

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StarlightMcKenzie · 10/11/2009 14:11

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StarlightMcKenzie · 10/11/2009 14:12

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ChristmasMoon · 10/11/2009 14:19

I'm liking the electrified stair idea......

Pag how many adoptees do I need for a ferrari?

Stayingsunnygirl · 10/11/2009 14:29

Starlight - might it be easier to put the throws over the children instead? Or invest in a garden shed, and keep the house tidy by keeping the children in the shed (this tip is necessitated by the inability of modern building companies to realise why parents need houses with cellars).

We should patent the plastic fruit idea - maybe we could market it through mumsnet?

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