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Mumsnet shit tips of the day - come add yours

252 replies

whomovedmychocolatecookie · 09/11/2009 09:14

Have your children delivered by caesarian on 29th February to save on children's birthday parties later on.

OP posts:
AbricotsSecs · 11/11/2009 20:17

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AbricotsSecs · 11/11/2009 20:18

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chegirl · 11/11/2009 20:27

More beauty tips:

Run out of nail varnish? First dip your fingers in vaseline, then in glitter. Trendy, disco nails in seconds! You may want to carry pots of vaseline and glitter in your handbags for touch ups. ( Note: Do not attempt any sort of housework, office work, shopping etc.)

Ladder in your tights? Dont worry, simply rip the other leg and tell people 'its the latest thing!' Stand back and wait for those envious looks!

Curry powder makes an excellent stand in for eye shadow, blusher and lipstick (mixed with our old friend vaseline of course!)

(warning, may cause tingling sensation on sensitive skin)

VerityClinch · 11/11/2009 20:30

Do not bother checking that your DH has actually GOT your birth plan with him, instead of using it as a bookmark in a book which he has left in the maternity ward.

Then, when the midwife asks him if there is anything particular his good lady wife wants during her scary as hell placenta praevia c-section and blood transfusion, lie back and laugh like a drain when he says "erm... get the baby out safely and don't let her bleed to death?"



Mind you, as a Plan B, it worked, I guess.

smackapacka · 11/11/2009 20:34

Having a misunderstanding with a close friend/relative? Don't try and be adult and discuss it with them, give a brief one-sided synopsis on MN and let strangers advise you on how best to deal with the bastard

However, after all posters have outlined options and alternatives do make sure you continue to ignore all advice given!

pagwatch · 11/11/2009 20:40

eeeuuuw ShutUpandDrinkYourGin - really?

If she is on the train tomorrow and produces a Ped egg I would move seats

PacificDogwood · 11/11/2009 21:08

Don't like cleaning kitchen surfaces? - Ensure they are as cluttered as possible to make wiping impossible.

StarlightMcKenzie · 11/11/2009 21:15

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StarlightMcKenzie · 11/11/2009 21:16

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questioneverything · 11/11/2009 21:57

SMAKAPACKA - we actually have this, and she cleans up, kid sick, cat sick and occasionally eats radom cat poos off the lawn.

Job Done

PerArduaAdNauseum · 12/11/2009 11:23

My cut and paste isn't workings - gah!

But I'd like to nominate Knottylocks for Top Tip

And I may adopt hoochie's leg bone trick

smackapacka · 12/11/2009 13:22

Question - so do we. It's disgusting but saves me getting up to do it.

AbricotsSecs · 12/11/2009 14:17

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lambanana · 12/11/2009 14:30

Impress your friends at christmas.

Dont dust from now until then and everyone will marvel at the layer of fake snow covering every surface in your house.

soozeedol · 12/11/2009 15:04

hahahahahahaha schiaparellipink ...oh you have sooooo made me laugh ... I have this vision of used tampons rolled in glitter as christmas decs in your house laugh out loud .... great

LaineyW · 12/11/2009 15:36

Beef up your low fat yoghurts by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

(copyright Viz, circa 1990...)

StealthPolarBear · 12/11/2009 17:08

PMSL at the findus crispy pancakes and the bread facewipes!

weegiemum · 12/11/2009 23:55

Do you have a very annoying talking Barbie-type doll?

Let your smallest (around 5 year old) dd play with it in the bath.

This will short circit the mechanics inside the doll.

Then .. let your frustrated dh throw it into the back garden, where its accelerated calls of "toto, we're not in Kansas any more" and "There's nowhere like home" can wake up the whole street!!!

Hoooray!

TeamEdward · 13/11/2009 00:27

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fanjolina · 13/11/2009 08:51

Thankyou Team Edward. I was feeling guilty about taking 3 chocolate digestives out of the packet to eat for breakfast (been awake all night breastfeeding and need a pick me up).
So I broke them in two, and now I am guilt-free as the calories dispersed

TeamEdward · 13/11/2009 12:31

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ILoveDolly · 13/11/2009 15:55

Kill two birds with one stone by using antibacterial floor wipes for - nappy changes - face cleaning - until less short-sighted wife screams 'what?! are you wiping her face with those??!!'
Thank you Mr Dolly

ILoveDolly · 13/11/2009 15:57

Hmm I love 'I have a bone in my leg'. I find being heavily pregnant now excludes me from any on the floor games such as jigsaw puzzles as I have convinced dd that I can't actually bend/sit down on floor at all.

FossilMum · 14/11/2009 16:16

When you have distant relatives round for tea, save your 2 yr-old son from having to overcome his natural shyness by suddenly exclaiming on his behalf: "Mummy don't have willy. Me, Daddy do. Ha!"

And when you're seated near the toilets at a restaurant, you can preempt any unnecessarily embarrassing speculation by loudly saying "That lady probably go do poo AND pee" before he asks which you think is the most likely.

AbricotsSecs · 15/11/2009 21:02

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