Mumsnet shit tips of the day - come add yours

[whomovedmychocolatecookie]

Have your children delivered by caesarian on 29th February to save on children's birthday parties later on.

When your toddler upends their cup or bottle over the carpet or furniture, chuck your cup of tea or coffee over as well! Then you'll have an entire suite of matching mottled chairs and flooring that people will think you paid £££'s for!

If you have taken the net curtains down from the bedroom window to wash them, close the other curtains at night if you are in the habit of waking up, arching your back and giving your foof a good scratch when the alarm goes off. Because it is the windowcleaner's day to show up...

save on washing.buy new-works for clothing,bedding,towels etc and crockery.

oh and to save buying new toys and books,just put some in a box in the garage for 6 months,wait till the dc have forgotten then regive.

insist that Grandma calls your DC by the (hated) shortened version of the name you chose and feeds them E-nimber filled treats, so saving time on arguing about it.

Also throw wet towels and dirty undies on the bathroom floor and smear make up on ALL clean towels, saving your teenaged daughters the time-consuming and wearying effort of saying, "I can't be bothered".

learn you child every swear word you know then let them swear at randoms in the street

pmsl SGB

if you use disposable nappies, put one in the washing machine and do a huge amount of laundry...it is such fun picking off all the little gel balls that expand with liquid and explode, covering all your clothes with sticky plastic...

Cut out the middle-man, express milk directly onto all items of LOs clothing, then transfer straight to laundry massive pile bin.

Same technique may also be applied with your own clothes, but it's hugely important to forget this has been done. Exciting new fashion statements can be made every time you leave the house!

Set several alarm clocks to go off at intervals throughout the night to save your DC's the bother of waking you!

Men! Wee directly on the loo seat/bathroom floor! Don't even try to get it DOWN the toilet, your lovely lady will really enjoy wiping up your stale urine!

To save time when ironing shorts iron only the sleeves - the rest gets creased when sitting down anyway.

Don't forget to thank your friends for tagging you on the most unflattering photos on facebook.

Why bother spending time putting pictures up of you looking like an uber cool earth mother only for your friends to post her pesky hen night shots of you moffed out of your brain in a pink tiara - and then tag you in them.

D'oh! I meant shirts not shorts

New parents! It is essential to take no less than 150 photographs per week of your first child.

It is important that they do not grow a new eyelash or step in a puddle without a photographic record of the event.

Your subsequent children will never notice the discrepancy between the number of their baby photos and that of your eldest. They will never hold it against you and certainly never accuse you of having a favourite.

Ask your teenager to write down a long list of all the many and varied ways in which you are rubbish, lame and embaressing. It means that when you wake up you can simply glace through it rather than requiring him to drip feed them to you all day.
And aide memoire of crapness

Give all your children the same first name. It will give everyone the impression that you are an uber mum who never muddles your childrens names up.

wrap your handbag in clingfilm and then when you get home, simply peel off the clingfilm and you don't need to worry about spreading germs onto kitchen work surfaces

Now the weather has turned cold it's time for buying gloves for the children!

Save everyone's time by winding down the car windows and throwing the gloves out into hedges, ditches and - tricky this one! - gateposts on the way home from the shops.

To save time when serving your young DS spag bol just tip the contents onto the floor/highchair/walls & place the empty bowl upside down on your DSs head

If you and your other half want to have a private conversation in the car without the dcs listening in, loudly mention sex, and they will instantly plug in their mp3s and turn the volume up to maximum. Then you can discuss whatever you want.

Buy lots of lovely fresh fruit, because you are a good mother, then lob it straight into the bin, to save it having to sit in the fruit bowl and go off for a week, because you are a realistic mother and know that the dcs aren't going to touch it.

Resign yourself to the fact that, if you do this, at least one of the dcs will come and whinge at you because there's no fruit.

Invest in pieces of plastic fruit to send to school in the dcs' lunchboxes. This way, instead of an apple or banana travelling to school each day, being ignored at lunchtime and brought home again, to go back in tomorrow's lunchbox, until it is too battered to be used again, your dcs will always have a fresh and crisp looking piece of fruit in their lunchboxes. You'll save money on fruit, too.

When your ds brings home his PE kit at the end of term, do not even think about opening the bag. Send it straight to either the MOD to aid in the development of biological warfare, or to a local pharmaceutical company, for the purposes of research into new and unusual bacteria.

By pagwatch Mon 09-Nov-09 10:14:10
when your son introduces you to his girlfriend just imediately slap her. It will cut to the chase. She's going to hate you anyway whatever you do so you might as well get a free hit in.

I mean to put "I love this one" before I C&P'd pag's tip

rofl MamaG at son's girlfriend tip

ROFL pagwatch, I should say!