To be annoyed that no one has ever told me I look like an actual sea monster in real life?

[MaudBaileysGreenTurban]

I have just watched myself on a recorded Teams meeting.

Sweet fucking Jesus.

My face is basically a blancmange in a plastic bag with two googly Mr Potato Head eyes stuck on wonky. One is half-shut all the time.

When I talk, my mouth sort of does a collapsy thing.

Where is my chin? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY CHIN?

I can't believe I've actually been walking around, conversing with people, looking like this. For years.

Why did no one tell me I looked like this????

OMG OMG, people. I am with you, what on earth do I think I'm doing, walking with earthlings, thinking I'm one of them? Clearly, I'm a pale ghost with blood red blotches all over and what did I think I was doing with my hair? Everyone else should not worry, I never look at them, I'm so busy looking at myself to even see them, much less listen to them!

Also I work in a school and we take lots of photos for evidence of learning and I'm often in them or in the background, caught off guard, side profile, looking down, letting it all hang out, millions of chins.

It's not good for the old self esteem! I always just wonder if that's what I look like all the time when I am mingling amongst actual people? 😭

I have a crease in my forehead between my eyes that can be easily mistaken for butt cleavage 😩 and the sides of my mouth are falling away! I didn't realise I looked that old!

I've just got a delivery of collagen shots and definitely sorting Grand Canyon forehead out when the local medical doctor opens!

Im that annoying child who never stops moving. Touching stuff, shuffling about in my seat, twiddling the pen, hair up, hair down, move the curtain, pick stuff up off he floor. Stop fucking fidgeting. I get on my own nerves.

I’ve got a new found respect for my colleagues. How they get through a meeting with me in Real life without killing me I don’t know.

Wierdly I have a colleague who looks fairly average in real life, but manages to look like a 50s Hollywood film star on VC.

I’ve got that filter that makes me look like a Middle Aged woman who hasn’t slept for a week and hasn’t been to the hairdressers/eyebrow place for a month. Not sure how to turn it off.

@ErrolTheDragon
Not a typo.
I’m in my 50’s and generally refer to it as Doom because as soon as it’s connected, in my head I just want to go ‘blam, blam, blam’ at everyone on screen with my imaginary megablaster thingy.

Also, why does my sister who is 20 fucking years older (!!) look so much better than I do on screen? I have a cabbage head and she looks like Krystle Carrington.

@EveryThingChanges321
If your sister looks like Krystal Carrington she’s obviously gone and smeared Vaseline on the lense! I told you all it works!!!

I sort of feel for you, OP. But you haven't heard the sound of my fucking voice. 25+ years in the UK and I STILL sound like Janyce from Friends.

I sort of feel for you, OP. But you haven't heard the sound of my fucking voice. 25+ years in the UK and I STILL sound like Janyce from Friends.

Hahahahahaha (sorry, couldn't help myself )

I always knew I had a round face, but till webcam I never knew it looked like the actual moon.
Or that my voice makes me sound 12.
Or that I have no detectable jawline when I look down.

Sounds like we're all going to need self-esteem counselling by the time this is over. But not via Skype, obvs.

I hate myself on zoom. Tonight I looked so pale with fair hair, I was almost invisible against a white background. I need to move to a different wall so people actually know theres someone there. It's so weird.

This is everything! Been laughing so much at this, thank you 😁.

Thank you thank you! I had to record myself singing this week, turns out I am totally the wrong colour these days, hideous hideous hair and look like Ibe been wrestling small children all day (I had)
Then oh my God, listening back to an out of practice voice, I didn't know where to put myself. Then I had to send it to be put into one of those split screen videos choirs are doing. Which might God forbid go viral. Then I'm officially leaving planet earth.

I look so GAUNT on Teams. Like an old witch. I am 39 but look about 400.

@bringincrazyback

I can't even laugh out loud anymore because I irritate myself so intensely, thinking about the racket I emit.

I just woke DD up giggling out loud at the shaved mole comment on the first page 😂

During lockdown someone appears to have stolen my neck. My head goes straight down to join my shoulders with no visible neck in between. I'm sure I used to have a neck. I have lots of scarves. Where will I out them now I have no neck?!

I also seem to sound like a he's mistress from the chalet school. Jolly hockey sticks gals!!

games that should say 🙄

Craftycorvid

The really disconcerting one is where my voice comes back to me on a FaceTime call like a west country mouse on helium.

This ^^ Except Welsh. Andreallyreallyreallyfast.

I was so pleased one day when I walked in to hear my secretary transcribing some letters.
Huskily talking away was this smooth-talking, pre-USA Catherine Zeta Jones soundalike.

Then she explained that the only way she could understand me was to turn the speed down to its slowest.

And gave me a quick blast of what I really sound like

I'm considering looking into jobs (wo)manning a sex chat line for premature ejaculaters:
"I'mwearingblackundiesOhthat'sgoodBigBoymoremore... ohyoudonethen?"

Thinking about the high-enough-to-cause-vertigo earwax melting pitch of my voice, they may have to be masochists as well.

A specialist market, but one I think I could corner.

I was watching myself on Tik Tok with my daughter today... I literally look like a blancmange.

I feel your pain sister.

FFS. As previously posted, resemble my username but didn't realise. What effing fresh hell is this? I chaired a talk and I 'wobble' my head - WTF? I've had training [thousands of years ago] on how to present!!!

LaMarsch Staaap it!!! My hound is howling at me laughing and waking up the entire Crescent!!!

Why am I orange? Where have my eyes gone? Are my cheeks really that huge? I look like a hamster who is binge eating.

It's my voice that's the problem. I lwats imagined I had a strong, clear voice. I sound like your grans just sat on the cat, a sort of mixture of gran and cat.
It's not nice.

This is THE best thread to read when you are suffering Covid-Blues!