Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

[FlybirdFly]

Will post a pic later but need to redact info first.

An A4 page complaining about rubbish outside my house, that they’ve been picking it up for months, I have a responsibility to secure my rubbish and I have two weeks to get 2/3 wheelie bins or “measures will be taken”

It’s actually quite polite tbf if you ignore the subtle threat

Only problem is....it isn’t my fucking rubbish! We locked the gate to the field a few months ago and everyone now flytips outside the farm instead (by everyone I mean a few wankers) usually black bags that have missed the bin men/women. They use to chuck them on our farm bonfire but as the gate is locked they throw them on the bondary of my property. My rubbish is kept on my property until bin day.

Unfortunately they’ve missed all the signs saying we have CCTV so I’ll be having a look to see if I can see any pitchforks and angry villagers when I get back from the school run

Thanks wowfudge and sassy. That'll save me making a mistake in biscuit etiquette!

Don't tell me fasinate is the local olde worlde spelling of vicinity?

Jam waterboarding, forced cake & pickle feeding sound reasonable measures to take
Sassy- been here a few years & I always thought was used for expressing the view that a poster was ,you know, being a bit ridiculous. Never knew the Gordon Brown connection! Have never offered MN biscuit before but here is (jammy dodgers) as my contribution to jamboarding// forcefeeding session. (Never made jam- does fruit puree count?)
Double slashes in the spirit of the thread.

This is like something from Midsummer Murder, just minus the murder part! If you know what I mean!

Just to say; in approx 2 weeks time when the measures come in...

You might have to fight an old lady

She’s in the WI so she’s trained in self defence. Don’t waste your 2 weeks looking at pine cones and cctv, veg training!

Get*

When are you going to see/speak to VillageLady next, Fly?

Scarlett fruit puree def counts

So who's going to play all the lead roles in the TV drama? I think Sheridan Smith would be good for FlyBird? Timothy Spall for Farm-Nan (yes it's Man but loving Tatty's typo)? Judy Dench for WI//TheVillagers//LetterWriter? RVM - Tom Hardy? JB - Olivia Colman? The NDN - Colin Firth? Dick - Brian Blessed? Helpful Villager - Amanda Abbington? Primetime slot obvs...9pm Sunday on BBC1 I reckon! Oh and we can all play ourselves...although being very drunk in The Slaughtered Lamb will take huge amounts of method acting on my part!

I think Julie Walters in her Mrs Overall alter ego would make a good WI//TheVillagers//LetterWriter! And Celia Imrie would be good as HelpfulVillageLady.

And the couple in the blue car who chuck their bag out of the window whist still in motion should be played by Harry Enfield and Kathy Burke in their Wayne & Waynetta Slob alter egos!!

Oooh good call on Celia Pan! And I can see completely see Julie Walters doing WI//TheVillagers//LetterWriter, but would love to see Judy Dench do scathing/self-righteous/batty-but-with-a-hint-menace!

I don't see Fly as a Sheridan Smith type. She's more of a Keeley Hawes.

Does WIW have local family? The fly-tipper is almost certainly her PFB mummy's boy. He'll mess up & throw something out with his name on. Perhaps he lives in a nearby area where they have fewer bin collections. WIW will slink off when it comes out that her DS was doing it. Don't expect an apology!

Judi Dench would be good as the crazed WI letter-writer/Victoria sponge wrangler. She was pretty damn chilling in Notes from a Scandal iirc

Food idea Assassin, we could all wear tea dressers and drink pints of Guinness.

We are very much in the 'FASCINATE' of needing a new thread (please?)

The WI are now surely honour bound to have an internal inquiry as to the appalling standard of intimidatory letter written by a soon to be ex-member. The horrible, horrible shame of having fun poked at such a fennerabel instant chushon by a member must be dealt with in the harshest manner. Outing of the offender and confiscation of all green pens, A4 pads and scruffy envelopes for starters.

Another small clue, I thought lane name was misspelled but VillageLady said it’s the olde worlde spelling of the lane.

Do you live here Op?
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gropecunt_Lane

Golly, just read it all, great thread, not sure how great it is to be living though?!

Utterly rubbish police... gives me the rage when police are so so ‘can’t be arsed’,., ffs.

PLEASE START A NEW THREAD IM GETTING ANXIOUS

This thread has been an excellent break from my essay writing, thanks fly

Just read from beginning to end, ignoring my 3yo and am now late for the school fete!!! Definitely worth it though

New thread please!

Is anyone else worried about furiosa? They haven't been heard back from since saying they were off to return rubbish to a flytipper.....

Something tells me, that with a NN of furiosa, she'd probably get the better of anyone!

@FlybirdFly Please start a new thread before this one gets full. Pretty please 🙏🏻