MIL and her picnic hamster

[insancerre]

On a visit to MIL for her birthday
She told us SIL has bought BIL a picnic hamster as a present
After several silent moments during which DH and I tried desperately hard to contain ourselves and not look at each other, she finally announced it was in fact, a picnic hamper
DH calmly said " a hamster is a small, furry creature"

It's comedy gold here
Any good MILisms where you are?

When I was about eleven, a friend told me her mum worked for MFI. I said “Blimey; are you sure you’re allowed to tell me that?”. She looked baffled. I realized I was thinking of MI5.

I really thought that your MIL had a pet hamster who was treated to a rare day out of the cage when they went for a picnic 😂

Anyway, DH’s nan asked bold as brass if a store had any Playboys in stock for her grandson. She meant Gameboys 😂

When I was younger we found tampons in a girl’s desk at school. I went home to my mum and told her that we’d found condoms. Thus ensued a detailed conversation about how they’re not “the same sort of thing” 😂

Elderly relative who, when out for lunch got a bit muddled and asked for ‘stiffy cocky pudding’ 😀

My mum (late 60s) is always talking about "jizzing things up" to make them more interesting or exciting. I cringe every time

"stiffy cocky pudding"

Brilliant!

"The guy had a Harvey Nicholson which he kept in his hall, that we had to squeeze past, why can't he keep it outside?"

Said SIL (who loves shopping , but bikers not so much)

Si We are down in the middle of the 80s when my grandmother starts showing off in the hairdressers saying her grandniece got the latest fad for Christmas, the Erotic Barbie, none the less! So difficult to find and her GD she was so happy with it, she just wouldn’t put it down.

While I was just there trying to muster the courage to whisper “aerobic, band aerobic!!!”

A few months after his death, I mentioned to MIL that I liked Alan Rickman. She responded that she thought he was a very egotistical man for fathering so many children. On further questioning it transpired mil was adamant that Alan rickman was a prolific sperm donor who had fathered over 200 children. No level of protests from us (when we could speak through the laughter) would convince her she was wrong and she kept on insisting that, as well as being an actor, Alan Rickman would fly round the world mastrabating into cups. She would not be told otherwise.
After quite a lot of googling we found an artical on line about a man online who was the UKs most prolific sperm donor. He was not Alan Rickman, but the article had been published on the same day Alan Rickman died. My MIL must have been listening to an obituary on the radio and not realised when they changed subject

Band= Nan, blanevthe autocorrect!

My DM called a taxi to take us home from the hospital where we had been visiting DF, 'the taxi driver is called Enrote he drove me yesterday' she said. I looked at the text from the taxi company it said 'Your taxi driver is enroute' .

I was told that my Mam has her circumcision scar near her belly button the other day. Luckily she realised what she said but through the laughter couldn't figure out what she really meant. I realised she meant sterilised rather than circumcised.

I was going on holiday to Thailand. My grandmother refused to tell anyone precisely where I was going as she thought Phuket was too rude to say. 😂

My 4yo DS has been singing about Humpy Dumpy today - DH and I have been in fits of laughter!

I was 10 years old. Went on a residential trip with the school.
Saw a meditating Buddha, I wanted to buy my mum it but cost too much. When I got home I told my Mum I was going to het her a masturbating Buddha.
My poor Mum, I am 32 years old and am not allowed to even say fart in front of her! When her face was a mix with horror and trying not to laugh, I couldn't understand why! I don't know where that word came from!

I have a lovely friend who told me about a meal out at a posh restaurant where she had "dolphin nose potatoes"

Oh and another...
My DD is academically really clever however common sense was lost on her!
She asked me (baring in mind her Nan is from Scotland) asked what a Scotsman was. I replied 'a man from Scotland'
She said 'oh where they do Irish Dancing'

A work colleague once announced she was going on the Venice-Simpleton Orient Express.

My mum was once decorating and told not to touch the 'dildo rail ' as she had just stained it. I went to my friends house and she asked me what my mum was up to so I boldly stated ... 'oh she's obsessing over her Dildo rail, you know what she's like' 😳

We were in a wildlife park somewhere forrin..hot,humid, birds with exotic vivid colours, a group of Nordic girls in front of us, all long-limbed and flowing blonde hair..
Mum says she's never seen such gorgeous birds.
Dad smirks and agrees.
Mum.."I didn't mean that sort of bird! I meant the four legged ones!"

FIl once asked DH if he had a middle name

He also when talking to me (for the millionth time) about me being adopted and my family tree etc turned to DH and asked him who his dad was!!!

Also when talking about (deceased) BIL he will say ‘you know, my son x’ as though we’ve never met him and he isn’t DHs brother!

When DD was a toddler she used to call popcorn ‘cockporn’ which was very embarrassing at the cinema!!

"dolphin nose potatoes"

Aww,bless..

Aww shit! I've just read about the Prolific Sperm Donor.

Gonna give reading this thread a miss for a bit.
that's really set me off

@AviatorShades
That took me a few more seconds to work out what was funny about that than I would have liked!

Elderly relative informed me she was off to the garden centre for a nice clitoris

She wanted to train it to climb up the side of her shed

^ now that would have been a very impressive feat! But damn! The splinters!

Not my MIL but my nana- who once offered us cretins with our soup.