BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

Ah @Christmastits I was gonna day the toothpaste one!! That was absolutely hilarious, imagine being given one of those after a dinner party. Mmm this mint tastes like... Colgate. It's Colgate, Keith, lets go home.

I was so shocked when I discovered Terry was a cheating scumbag who'd just come out of prison for GBH. I wish I'd listened to my mate Carly who was friends with his brother but he was the love of my life. He bought me flowers and took me to Nandos on our first date where we realised we both had the same favourite food- chicken with peri peri drizzle. After he shared his chips and a kiss with me, I knew the rumours couldn't be true.

DD and I used to buy The National Enquirer for long car trips. Oh the fun we had.

I’ll never admit to that IRL.

Good lord, so many uses for sanitary towels.

I may or may not have bought a load of these on my way home from work....

You lot are wasted on here - you should be writing for TAB!

My sister bonked my husband so i bonked hers. Now it's all fine again.

I have found my people! I love these.

It’s the timelines that get me. Every time. You look at these long life stories with multiple partners, marriages, moving in with partners, several children, affairs, pregnancies.....more than some people can fit in a lifetime and the age at the end is something like 21....

I may get one of these on my way home!

i introduced my Austrian SIL to the Scandal Rags. She is absolutely obsessed with them and every time she visits the Uk she buys all of them 😂 all tongue in cheek, she says it’s improved her vernacular English no end

Also my guilty pleasure is punning headlines. I hate the gutter press but man, they know how to do a headline.

TRAPPED in my OWN BED!
It was Thursday evening and my hubby was working away again. "I know," I thought "instead of putting my kids to bed separately I'll snuggle up with both them in my Ikea Superkingsize bed! That'll get the job done in half the time and I'll be relaxing with a cuppa and a biccy before I know it."
Smoothing out the designer duvet cover I'd picked up in Next ten years earlier I.congratulated myself on my brainwave.
But little did I.know my plan would soon backfire when NEITHER child would nod off, leaving me TRAPPED! I lay there parched, my stomach.growling as I thought longingly about the half empty packet of Wagon Wheels on my kitchen worktop.
In time, the tots fell asleep and I.made my escape - but next time, I'll be bringing the biccies with me!
True story.

Take a break... Readers Tips. Deodorant tops for egg cups. I kid you not.

Thanks to this thread, DH picked up a copy for me on his way home. Sitting here giggling like a loon at article on p6 "Are you DYING or LYING?" Guess what, he was lying!!!!

@PicklingGherkins I shit you not that is our actual window cleaner. Where the fuck is that picture from??

The best tip I ever read was "to stop an egg rolling off your worktop simply pop it on a plate - hey presto, it can't roll away!"

I'm not even joking.

The way that when anyone dies it gives their age after in it's own sentence. Like this :

"Three days later he finally drew his last breath. He was 42"

"I sat with her and watched her leave this world. She was 25".

Also I think the front page title was once something like "18 hours of labour and I burst into flames". Turned out she got a temperature.

You'll wonder how you coped before without the Top Tips in your mag bella

if you struggle to buy the right size t shirt, cut out a template of one at home using a binliner. Pop it in your bag and you can hold it against the ones in the shop

..you could just try it on though Barbara from Sunderland you crazy woman.

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned Love It! yet, which I believe sells itself as the slightly more upmarket, millennial TAB.

I can't get over the layout of the front cover.

"MURDERED by her HUNKY POSTMAN"
"My vagina ROTTED AWAY"
"TRAGEDY in the BINGO HALL"

And splodged right over these tales of woe, a big cheery

"Love It!"

Case in point

‘Mortified by my fishy fanjo’

My hairdresser used to have a stack of "Take a Break: Psychic" - Imagine the usual TAB headlines but with ghosts and premonitions and poltergeists

So it wouldn't be Bob down the road getting you pregnant, it'd be Bob's dead grandad.

Great thread. I love that the people always stop tucking into curries and pies, opting instead for salads. In time, the weight falls off and they catch the eye of dodgy Dave at number 22..

Also morbidly fascinated that there is no suspense at all on the illness ones. No matter if it's a slight cold or full on myocardial infarction they always die - always.

My favourite headline was one Vanessa Feltz's weight gain - "friends fear she's drinking custard again" 😂😂😂

I used to love magazines of that ilk but then one of them went a bit far with an incest story between a mother and son and that ended my love affair of them. Just yuk.

Hunky Holiday Fling Was a LOVE RAT ROTTER, part 2.

The next morning, bleary-eyes but glowing from last night's antics, I shuffled sheepishly down to the pool. Aslam had slipped out early to start his breakfast shift, leaving the sheets tangled and the air thick with our love-making.

Sandra peered at me over her sunglasses. 'Good night?', she asked me knowingly.

'Oh Sandra!' I beamed. 'I haven't felt this young in years!'

'You ought to be careful Dawn', she chided. 'You'll end up one of them stories in Take a Break, after he's taken you for all your savings!' Take a Break was our favourite mag, and we poured over the stories every week with a cuppa and biccies.

Still, I wasn't about to end up as a headline!

I think you're jealous Sandra! You always get like this. You can't stand it when gorgeous men ogle me and not you!' I raged. Besides, I had to get ready. Aslam had invited me to visit his family in the mountains! It was going to be a wonderful romantic getaway!

Stomping away from Sandra's sour mood, I spied Aslam clearing away the last of the sausages.

'My love!' He cried, planting a smacker on my ready lips. ' I have problem. The car I borrow to take us to mountain, is broken. Without car I cannot present you to my family. It is their custom' the poor lad looked mortified.

I didn't hesitate. Poor Aslam, working away to make his family proud. 'I'll draw out some cash darling' I purred. 'We can hire a car'

'My sweet woman! You are so kind. I think of you and our breasts all the morning, it makes me hot inside when I serve the fried eggs'

I swooned. I'd fallen for him! I walked on a cloud to the hotel cash point, smiling from ear to ear.