BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

Aliens turned my son into a stuffed olive!
Double decker London bus spotted at the North Pole!

A part of my job involves me having to spend some time in waiting rooms in GP or dentist practices, hospitals etc. Where there is poor or no phone signal. Yup, many otherwise boring minutes or sometimes hours have been spent reading TAB and PMU. And lots of giggles and rolled eyes might have happened too. Noticed "the slap up meals", "I came home from my job as a cleaner", "a blue eyed hunk with cheeky smile" ( well, not as much according to the photo), the infamous "romps" (that happen after "one thing led to another") and of course the "biccies".

Years ago I went through a stage of entering the TAB completions & I won a prize!
So in the style of TAB I'll tell you what I won

Tracy flicked her long blonde locks over her shoulder & pouted whilst she gazed at the competition page. Should she enter? Should she enter them all? "Well I've got nothing to lose but a stamp & I could win the holiday or trolley dash. Do they do trolley dashes around Sainsbury's?" she thought dreamily.
A few weeks later....... there was a knock at the door. It was the hunky Brad Pitt lookalike postman. He handed me his package & I licked my lips longingly as he winked at me. Overcome with lust/embarrassment I ran into the kitchen & grabbed a knife......... 5 mins later my mysterious parcel was........a smoke alarm.
I was not amused.
Photo of scowling Tracy Beaker, The Dumping Ground, BBCLand with smoke alarm.

"Holiday Romance Changed My Life"

I met Pedro in Lanzarote. His soft brown eyes and the tight trunks melted my defences on our second day and I succumbed to him right there, on the warm sand of the beach, with the silver light of the moon shining her blessing on the union of our bodies.
The rough grains of sand must have shredded the condom because I started feeling nauseous one month after my return from my dream holidays. I thought it was just the local chipper having problems with their hygiene again but when I fainted on the Brook Street, Brightpool and was brought to Boots by a kind shop assistant I knew it was a sign from fate. I bought a pregnancy test straight away and with my eyes closed and bated breath I waited for the result. I was pregnant!
Elated, I called Pedro on my Samsung and told him that he needs to come earlier than the already arranged 6 months during which he wanted to sell the lands he inherited from his uncle and buy the house of our dreams for us in England.
I thought his silence was just a delighted shock. Suddenly, the connection broke and when I tried calling back, the number was disconnected. So was his email that kept bouncing back and his Facebook profile disappeared.
I was sick with worry but had no chance to contact him. He disappeared from the surface of the earth and will never know that the little bundle of joy I pushed out has his brown eyes and olive complexion. I am looking at my little tot in her 4-pound unicorn top from Primark and can't stop thinking how beautiful our life could be with her handsome and charming Daddy. Sadly, I will only be able to afford another trip to Lanzarote in 6 years.

Chat magazine has paid £25 for a photo of a baby sleeping in a perfectly normal position for a baby and some women with their faces painted outside the Welsh rugby HQ.

Hardly photos of Elvia playing cards with Big Foot & Lord Lucan, is it?!

It's always locks,not hair.
Blooms,not flowers.
A meal is never just a meal,it's always a 'slap-up meal'.

Just grabbed a two week old copy of Chat. Some of the headlines on the cover:

My hubby became MY CHILD

SHE BIT OFF MY BITS for not wanting a three-in-a-bed-romp

HELP ME...My flesh is melting!

I'm PROUD I sleep with married men

And In next week's chat......

My mobile SAVED my life

MURDERED with a milkshake?

MORE STORIES!
MORE PUZZLES!
MORE PRIZES!

My mum and I used to read them together. I might have to buy one tomorrow for old times sake!

That was a cheery Christmas in Pick Me Up land

My sister was in TAB too.

I fucking love the top tips.

Can you imagine going to a house where someone used all the top tips? Those place mats with the deodorant egg cups, the cereal boxes on table corners, a half cut up chair so your gran can piss in a bucket, mum wearing fanny pads on her feet and poor old granddad is so cold that they've put the kettle on to make a new set of handwarmers for him after a cuppa.

Bloody hell.

And the No Shit Sherlock award goes to......

OMG! Slippers made out of sanitary towels! Place mats made from bottle lids! Priceless.

Another vote of appreciation here for Bob in his embellished mankini and the Gasping Narrator. Funniest thread I've read here for ages!

Seems that sanitary towels are the new must have multi use item.

My friends were in it.

All because one was super-competitive in the Mothers' race at sports day. One pushed the other out of her way to win and instead of a harmless stumble, the other friend dislocated her knee, had to be wheelchaired off the track and taken to A&E.

I think the money from the story helped soften the blow to the friendship.

I was in one of these mags. I got £300. I’d met the journalist and photographer at another, related, event, and she got in touch later to say she wanted to do a feature on my story. She was lovely! If liberal with the finer points of the truth (e.g. a grotty flat became a smart townhouse, etc).

me now photos

Photos of the woman looking out her net curtain at the house across the road. Her husband has now moved in over there with the new woman that moved on to the street. He hated her but helped her with a few odd jobs and now they have shacked up over the road.
The last photo always has ‘Me Now’ written on it.

I love Take A Break!!!

Have you been eavesdropping on my Writers Group?

I've read so
Many of these recently! The 'top tips' are hilarious! 'I use sanitary towels as slippers in the house.. just stick them to my feet! '

"Are you entertaining soon?!, do you have no money?! Just freeze little blobs of toothpaste as mints! Your guests will never know!"

Thank you for the Bob love

Gaz of the twinkling blye eyes and cheeky grin usually has at least three teeth missing .

'KILLED BY HER OWN CARDIGAN'

This made me really laugh!!

My favourite story EVER was the woman putting on moisturiser and the brushed her teeth. Her hands were slippyand she dropped the toothbrush down her throat and couldn’t grab it in time so swallowed the entire thing!!!
Off she went to bed.
Yes she did. She actually went to bed.
She woke up with stomach pains and only then thought about how the thing was going to exit.
It showed photos of the X-ray!
‘Me now’ was holding a toothbrush.