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to kill all the spiders?

997 replies

bessarabiantiger · 29/08/2015 16:17

We live in the country, we're very lucky with our house and we've been here two years. There's a lake on the property and with lakes come mosquito hoardes (fine, live and let live, we knew about this when ee took the place, and with mosquito hoardes come spiders.

I am alright with most types of spider, I allow Huntsman (? Spindly legged) in every room as they're no bother and keep the mossies down when we have the windows open. Brown recluse get ejected with a glass & cardboard or eaten by the cat.

This year we have a problem with false widows and a kind we've never seen before. They are awful. Striped and with extra long front legs, they shamble across the ceiling as if they're drunk & often fall in your drink/dinner/hair.

We now have around 80 of the fuckers in the kitchen. They are making nests. For many people this wouldn't even be an issue. But me being me I've said to myself, well the windows are open, they aren't scaring me on purpose (even after the night I walked into the kitchen without turning the lights on and had one who was making a web land on my face. ARGH!) Etc. Etc.

We've used every natural repellant going. From plug-in spider scarers (knew they were bullshit but was at wits end last sept) to conkers, peppermint oil, spider hoover, removing them all outside (shudder. That was a horrible day) only to find a new gang there in the morning.

After me and DH being bitten this week (him on the neck, me on the hand WHILST ASLEEP IN BED! Hand swelled up for the next 24 hours, yes, it was a spider, found it crawling down my leg) I have finally and very reluctantly bought spider poison.

I am hoping someone can offer a better solution before I have to use it. DS has mild asthma and am worried about the effect on him (we will evacuate for the day after use) and it's an aersol as well as a poison. It sounds silly, but I've only ever used aerosol twice- the ozone layer was so drummed into me at school it feels akin to pooping straight down a whales blow hole!

AIBU to kill the spiders so they stop biting us? Has anyone got any other solution?

We break webs and remove visible offenders bi-daily BTW.

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bessarabiantiger · 18/09/2015 15:44

Or I could teach them piano.

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Fluffy24 · 18/09/2015 16:07

For an inexplicable reason I now think of a gallopy playing Eric Satie's gymnopedie whilst another pours you a glass of wine.

bessarabiantiger · 18/09/2015 16:10

And the canapés. Don't forget the canapés.

Am now designing spider chariot and appropriately scary bra to wear whilst driving it. I shall be the envy of the town.

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FattyNinjaOwl · 18/09/2015 16:45

perfect bra for spider chariot

bessarabiantiger · 18/09/2015 16:56

Beautiful. But a liability over speed bumps.

Needs more...armour. Option on shoulder cannon.

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bessarabiantiger · 18/09/2015 18:06

s119.photobucket.com/user/Thurizdan/media/SpiderChariot01.png.html

That's more like it....

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bessarabiantiger · 18/09/2015 18:26

There is now another annoyed swan stomping round the garden covered in mud. Am attempting to load pic.

Will feed and water it, and if it doesn't bugger off I shall don my armoured bra, swan towel and visor and attempt to capture it and put it in the swan bathroom. Hopefully it will decimate spiders overnight.

to kill all the spiders?
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FattyNinjaOwl · 18/09/2015 18:27

That swan looks very pissed off!

bessarabiantiger · 18/09/2015 18:30

It keeps walking past me as if waiting for me to help. I have lived here long enough to know better.

One day I will tell you all about the swan who ruined Christmas.

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FattyNinjaOwl · 18/09/2015 18:31

Oh please do! Did it break into your home and drop a dead spider into your dinner?

bessarabiantiger · 18/09/2015 18:36

It (indirectly) caused over £10,000 of uninsured damage (you try getting cover for 'act of swan'). And saw me spend Christmas eve weeping and trying to repair everything.

My Mother saved Christmas that year by arriving with a musical biscuit box and can-do attitude.

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FattyNinjaOwl · 18/09/2015 18:58

My God! Poor you. I hope you ate the fucker! I won't tell her Maj Wink

WhoTheFIsJeff · 18/09/2015 20:41

Dh has just squashed one hiding down the side of the sofa.

tomatodizzymum · 18/09/2015 20:54

Dh has just squashed one hiding down the side of the sofa. I assume you mean spider, not swan! Grin

tomatodizzymum · 18/09/2015 20:57

That swan looks very pissed off!...indeed, because swans usually look happy and full of the joys of spring! I think "pissed off" is a swans resting face, in fact I bet the vicious feckers look pissed off when they are ecstatic!

bessarabiantiger · 18/09/2015 21:02

tomato speaking as a woman who has precisely no swans stuffed down the side of her sofa (test me on that - I dare you), I can testify that no swan in the fekkin WORLD compares to a deranged Kingfisher.

I have fought off both, and lived to tell the tale .

In other news - I kneel to thee in awe of your fighting of the Camel (clearly made-up, see page ten onwards) spider. Thou art a bit fucking Ard love.

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WhoTheFIsJeff · 18/09/2015 21:09

I don't think it was a swan. I'm pretty sure he's never squashed a swan.

I got bitten by a duck once though.

tomatodizzymum · 18/09/2015 21:20

Thou art a bit fucking Ard love. I am such a wimp..you have no idea. But in this place you either shape up or get bitten/eaten. Cats here have seven lives rather than nine, two they lose just by being born here!

Not to put any of you off tourism but people think Brazil is full of crime, our small town rarely sees crime, if you leave your front door open, chances are your television will be intact but there will be half a dozen venomous creatures watching it Grin

dementedma · 18/09/2015 21:27

I have never squished a swan but am proud to claim another gallopy fucker tonight. Wearing my trainers with pjs has been a good move.

tomatodizzymum · 18/09/2015 21:28

bessarabiantiger please do tell the story of both the swan I so hope you ate it for xmas dinner and the Kingfisher you are too funny!

bessarabiantiger · 18/09/2015 21:32

jeff I need details. STAT!

tomato we will come back to 'this place' I have stories.

ma I like to think you Karate kidded everything in a five metre radius.

But jeff about this duck...

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familygermsareok · 18/09/2015 21:38

Hi, I am delurking after RFT over several days and snorting my coffee at the best bits Grin Brilliant thread!
But I don't quite know how to say this ........
I am familygerms and I am a Spider Lover Shock

Well, not literally, but I do find them fascinating and am not scared at all. I happily scoop them up in bare hands to put outside (I used to house share perfectly happily but DS1 doesn't like them) . I've never been bitten, but I might use glass and paper now for the bigger ones as I don't want to be. Am in UK of course, with cuddly non venomous spiders. I don't have a death wish!
I would be the target market for that bag Wink

I am Sad at the spider-murderers here but I do have some sympathy. If a wasp comes within 20 feet I'm a flapping shrieking wreck while everyone else raises their eyebrows and condescendingly tells me that if I only stay still it will leave me alone. But that is a big LIE. All wasps must DIE

WhoTheFIsJeff · 18/09/2015 21:45

bess I wish it was an exciting story, but I think I might disappoint.

I was a child and in the park. I was feeding the ducks and thought it would be a good idea to actually let the duck take the bread out my fingers. Turns out this wasn't the best plan I'd had as the duck took the bread and almost took my fingers with it. It hurt! Ducks have a strong bite. Don't try this at home folks.

bessarabiantiger · 18/09/2015 21:59

Ducks have serrated death-maws. I get you Jeff.

familygerms, I think everyone has a wildlife that makes them utterly lose their shit. Mine is Bjork (singular) or any spider with striped, juice-filled or speedy legs (plural).

I do admire wasps for being tiny creatures who can make Humans dance...

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derxa · 18/09/2015 22:12

,