to kill all the spiders?

[bessarabiantiger]

We live in the country, we're very lucky with our house and we've been here two years. There's a lake on the property and with lakes come mosquito hoardes (fine, live and let live, we knew about this when ee took the place, and with mosquito hoardes come spiders.

I am alright with most types of spider, I allow Huntsman (? Spindly legged) in every room as they're no bother and keep the mossies down when we have the windows open. Brown recluse get ejected with a glass & cardboard or eaten by the cat.

This year we have a problem with false widows and a kind we've never seen before. They are awful. Striped and with extra long front legs, they shamble across the ceiling as if they're drunk & often fall in your drink/dinner/hair.

We now have around 80 of the fuckers in the kitchen. They are making nests. For many people this wouldn't even be an issue. But me being me I've said to myself, well the windows are open, they aren't scaring me on purpose (even after the night I walked into the kitchen without turning the lights on and had one who was making a web land on my face. ARGH!) Etc. Etc.

We've used every natural repellant going. From plug-in spider scarers (knew they were bullshit but was at wits end last sept) to conkers, peppermint oil, spider hoover, removing them all outside (shudder. That was a horrible day) only to find a new gang there in the morning.

After me and DH being bitten this week (him on the neck, me on the hand WHILST ASLEEP IN BED! Hand swelled up for the next 24 hours, yes, it was a spider, found it crawling down my leg) I have finally and very reluctantly bought spider poison.

I am hoping someone can offer a better solution before I have to use it. DS has mild asthma and am worried about the effect on him (we will evacuate for the day after use) and it's an aersol as well as a poison. It sounds silly, but I've only ever used aerosol twice- the ozone layer was so drummed into me at school it feels akin to pooping straight down a whales blow hole!

AIBU to kill the spiders so they stop biting us? Has anyone got any other solution?

We break webs and remove visible offenders bi-daily BTW.

Day 4 of fat Albert watch
Still no giant spider in the bathroom but a much smaller one - Mini Albert? - was having fun clamouring all over Miniwonkas high chair at dinner.

The childrens vocabulary has now been expanded exponentially.

On a slightly different note, the day we found a leg and some green goo under notsosnacksizedwonkas pillow was interesting, but at least we knew where the missing stick insect had gone

I am delurking after having chortled along since the beginning. Spiders in this house are called Mr Spider (said in a very strained, tense voice) as I pretend to myself that I am not freaked the fuck out as I have no-one but the cats (and they are lazy bastards) to get rid of them for me.
I was watching the news this morning when they were again talking about the influx of spiders that is due in the next couple of weeks. They showed a picture and I said in a very knowledgeable voice 'Stripus Bastardus.'

at Discocism.

I have a genuine spider mystery. About 15 pages back I mentioned that I had named a spider Boris which had resided in the same spot on my kitchen ceiling for ages (I was allowing this as it was comfortably within my size tolerance). In the last week or so however, possibly longer, it hadn't moved an inch and I was so convinced it had snuffed it I was starting to worry that I might end up with a spider corpse on me when cooking. Therefore, I was happy to notice yesterday that it had gone and my DD informed me that Daddy had removed it because it was indeed dead. I made a point of confirming that it was already dead, knowing my DH's annoying and frankly selfish refusal to kill spiders.

So, imagine when my surprise when I go in the kitchen tonight and it's back.

Exactly the same spider. In exactly the same place.

I called to DD and confirmed once again that DH had removed it and it was definitely dead - yesterday.

Ok, so the dead part might be a mistake (or not - the ghost of Boris?) but she was adamant it was removed to the garden so wtf?

And Thumbwich - I'm not falling for it this time, I will not open that link. Well not this late when I'm alone, anyway.

My spiders have gone into hiding. Something isnt right here. I cleared out my under stairs cupboard... Not a spider to be seen. It's usually full of gallopy fuckers

They are giving me a false sense of security arent they? They know I've been reading this and are preparing to pounce when I least expect it.

jelly it is my earnest desire that people all over the World are now using their new-found scientific knowledge to correctly identify Charlottes and stripus bastardicus, and to pass that knowledge on. Possibly after hitting said arachnid with a mallet.

Am slightly concerned you report more arriving in the next fortnight. I accept that Fat Albert is probably riding over here on a tiny Harley Davidson to murder me in my bed. I am curious however to what the ever-loving fuck I should be preparing for now.

hudyer, you've got vampire spiders. We have them in the car.

fatty they're all hiding from whatever jelly saw on the news...

More Stripus Bastardicus? Is that what I'm reading?

fills paddling pool with magic earth, sits in it, refuses to move until after Christmas.

The spiders can all fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

Must explain

A GALLOPY FUCKER RAN OUT FROM UNDER MY COUCH AND OVER MY BARE FOOT!

I don't know where it is

This sneaky cunt has just appeared like a silent assassin. It wasnt there and then it was! Just out of nowhere!

Ah Fatty - I could just about live with that. What I can't live with is when a cockroach does the same, in the dark, and I put my hand down to brush whatever it is away and it WEES on me. FECKING WEES ON MY FOOT. (although they might not be able to wee so it might be something else, I don't like to think too hard about it...)

Bess - your mission to improve the worldwide knowledge of spider classification is honourable indeed.

fatty RUN FOR IT!

bess sorry for the lack of solidarity but I certainly hope you're right about fat Albert although there are no harley Davidsons around here.
Maybe a bad boy moped

Am wondering if it wouldn't be possible to microchip the gallopy fuckers to facilitate some sort of tracking system.

Getting the chip into them would be tricky, admittedly - but if there were two of you it would be possible to take an end each, and if you're heavy enough you might even get it to stop...

[developing this system as I go]

...or at least slow it down enough to tether it to a piece of heavy furniture (a piano would be ideal) while you apply the chip.

Haven't thought how you'd release it though - that might be the most dangerous bit. Possibly some sort of long acting sedative so you can be out of the house when it wakes up.

fluffy I like your thinking.

But am now imagining sitting in the dark with my Fluffometer (patent pending) which tracks the buggers and gives an accurate APB rating, then discovering I was surrounded. Like hearing the satellite phone in Jurassic park 3.

Bess I think the spiders may be worse than the spinosaurus

I'm also not sure how many spiders I want tied to the piano. Have become so used to measuring them in bugles.

Have only read the OPost sorry. DH and DS1 have been asthmatic all their lives. Every couple of years I use Dethlac around all windows, doors, fireplaces and loft hatches. It has never had an adverse effect on their asthma though I spray first thing in the morning and ventilate the house well. I also spray round any places where pipes come into the house. I get a spider free autumn and then only a couple the following year then i play it by ear for the third year so it's doing the job.
I don't kill any outside the house though.

fatty your spider is...waving

curtains dethlac? That sounds like Darth Vader's pomade. 'Helmet hair begone with new firm-hold Dethlac!'

Welcome and thankyou.

Well that's me humming the march from Star Wars all day now

Does showing the middle finger count aswaving?

There are no pictures of massive spiders riding motorbikes on the net. True fact.

Also penguins have knees

Penguins have knees?!

There are also no fun pictures on the internet of vampire spiders - I was sure there would be, but alas only an actual species of spider named as such.

Don't google it - it's hideous.

I suppose tethering them to something might be a step further than necessary, just giving them a bit of weight to drag about and prevent them from climbing (up a wall/brush shaft/leg) would suffice. Slow then down a bit too. Could add a bell to the ensemble to give an audible warning of their approach.

gallop now you fucker