to kill all the spiders?

[bessarabiantiger]

We live in the country, we're very lucky with our house and we've been here two years. There's a lake on the property and with lakes come mosquito hoardes (fine, live and let live, we knew about this when ee took the place, and with mosquito hoardes come spiders.

I am alright with most types of spider, I allow Huntsman (? Spindly legged) in every room as they're no bother and keep the mossies down when we have the windows open. Brown recluse get ejected with a glass & cardboard or eaten by the cat.

This year we have a problem with false widows and a kind we've never seen before. They are awful. Striped and with extra long front legs, they shamble across the ceiling as if they're drunk & often fall in your drink/dinner/hair.

We now have around 80 of the fuckers in the kitchen. They are making nests. For many people this wouldn't even be an issue. But me being me I've said to myself, well the windows are open, they aren't scaring me on purpose (even after the night I walked into the kitchen without turning the lights on and had one who was making a web land on my face. ARGH!) Etc. Etc.

We've used every natural repellant going. From plug-in spider scarers (knew they were bullshit but was at wits end last sept) to conkers, peppermint oil, spider hoover, removing them all outside (shudder. That was a horrible day) only to find a new gang there in the morning.

After me and DH being bitten this week (him on the neck, me on the hand WHILST ASLEEP IN BED! Hand swelled up for the next 24 hours, yes, it was a spider, found it crawling down my leg) I have finally and very reluctantly bought spider poison.

I am hoping someone can offer a better solution before I have to use it. DS has mild asthma and am worried about the effect on him (we will evacuate for the day after use) and it's an aersol as well as a poison. It sounds silly, but I've only ever used aerosol twice- the ozone layer was so drummed into me at school it feels akin to pooping straight down a whales blow hole!

AIBU to kill the spiders so they stop biting us? Has anyone got any other solution?

We break webs and remove visible offenders bi-daily BTW.

clearblue - even that was a bit terrifying to read.

On his HEAD. I'm not watching that, oh hell no. No amount of morbid curiosity will make me.

lemon - the massive house spiders (aka Beasts,etc) in my house are definitely voice-activated. Usually by my scream, which makes them run at me.

We got our new carpet fitted in the lounge yesterday and while everyone is enjoying the soft warmth and new carpet smell, I'm just happy to be able to watch TV without one eye on the gaps in the bare floorboards.

This might help

That's going on the fridge.

Maybe the sweary Barbie Bess (patent pending) can be used as a decoy for voice activated gallopy fuckers? Her first phrase (lifted from Wolf Hall and my All Time Favourite swear) is:

BY THE THRICE BESHITTEN SHROUD OF LAZARUS!

You then deploy your inner-Thumbwitch spider removal kit in the confusion. Or throw a shoe at it.

I just googled Huntsman spiders as they kept being mentioned and I know that was the star of that horror video and...

I found an image of one straddled across a toilet bowl.

I went through the back door to hang the washing up - walked through a spider web and had to brush a spider off my sleeve.

Opened the front door to the postman and a spider dropped onto my parcel.

I'm under siege!!!

My garden ones have found a new hiding place - inside clothes pegs!

Genius really - I go to peg something and the action of opening the clothes peg releases the hidden spider so it can run across my hand.

Fuckers.

Oh now why would you go and google huntsman spiders when you have arachnoissues? if you really want to give yourself a good scare google camel spiders, they're WAY worse

Also, I'm pretty sure some of them are digitally enhanced. Pretty sure, anyway.

Lemon - I wasn't sure how evil you were being with that pic, then I saw that it appears to be a screenshot. Not like this one then (DON'T CLICK ON IT, arachnophobes!)

My Aussie washing line is a hollow metal horizontalish frame thing with the lines strung between the frame, so lots of holes in the hollow metal frame thing then. Spiders love to hang out in those holes. And yes, run out at you when you're hanging the washing sometimes. Or just hide in the washing.

I tumble dry most things now...

I have festoon lights. Each and every bulb has a spider living on it.

Even without the APB scale that's prettt much a Fuck That.

Am currently mowing the lawn. Hundreds of thousands of tiny fuckers are scattering for their lives. Being me, I'm giving them allfair warning and shouting at them before I mow a segment.

I know, Thumbwich - curiosity got the better of me. I just wanted to know if it was the monster that I came across when I was in Australia - always wondered.

I can confirm it was.

When I found it, I recruited my Dad to remove it who picked up a whiskey glass, went to trap it and said "oh, the glass is far too small". My aunt who we were staying with just chuckled and said "yeah, you need an ice cream tub for those"

Ugh, spider season!

I never see spiders in my home, and then last night I saw three massive beasts marching across my sitting room floor. You could hear their stompy footsteps too if you listened closely enough. Huge fellas they were!

Sadly I only managed to kill one of them. I'm sure the other two have returned to Spider HQ and are now discussing a counter attack.

Bess its a good thing the swans are your only neighbours - I'm imagining you pushing a lawnmower whilst shouting at the grass.

I once nearly mowed a family of toads by accident. Imagine someone looking for all intents and purposes as if they were apologising to the grass.

squoosh you need a gun full of magic earth, and possibly a Cardinal. No time to explain. Run. RUN!

What a fantastic thread. I am delurking briefly to share this photo of a cuddly little fellow I found climbing our bedroom curtains one evening. (I do realize that I may be disqualified on the basis that it is not, actually, a spider.)

seadragon where in the world are you?

seadragon

First: Holy Motherfucking Shitballs

Second: Do you have a bugle? I would like to see where that figures on the Fuck That scale.

Bess I want to be your friend you're fucking hilarious! However I'm not moving

seadragon that picture is making me whimper.

Travelling Hopefully you will be relieved to know that we were in the Far East.

Bess No bugle was necessary for my eight-month-pregnant DW to express an absolute and unqualified Fuck That to sharing a bedroom with this or indeed any member of the genus Scolopendra. Unfortunately the first attempt at capture resulted in the disappearance of Scolly somewhere in the bedroom. DF, who was visiting, and I spent about two hours nervously shaking duvets, lifting mattresses and hunting through drawers before Scolly was discovered underneath a desk drawer and safely cornered in the container seen in the picture.

That sounds like such a busy evening.

I am now viewing this conversation as a game of crawly poker.

I see your Stripus Bastardicus and raise you one peruvian arsemuncher...

Then Thumbwitch is eventually going to slam down her Huntsman, shout "HA!" and we all have to take off our left shoe. That's how Poker works yes?

I'm guessing that Scolly is about 7-8" in length based on the Mont Blanc pen. Most bugles are around 11" in length (standard British military issue). I make that a way beyond the Fuck That scale you've been using on the arachnids Bess

I'm feeling very lucky we've not seen any of the giant 8 legged critters at home yet. Garden is full of the beautiful stripey garden ones and also the zebra ones that jump rather alarmingly (they also bite). I have something living in the car wing mirror though which is building some strange webs which I think might be a lace weaver.

I'm off to measure my bugle.

things I hadn't imagined saying when I woke up this morning.

My bugle is nineteen inches.

And it brings all the boys to the yard.

So a Scolly is about a half of a bugle in that case. I still think its way beyond the Fuck That scale though. I think it makes your friends look positively cuddly Bess