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to kill all the spiders?

997 replies

bessarabiantiger · 29/08/2015 16:17

We live in the country, we're very lucky with our house and we've been here two years. There's a lake on the property and with lakes come mosquito hoardes (fine, live and let live, we knew about this when ee took the place, and with mosquito hoardes come spiders.

I am alright with most types of spider, I allow Huntsman (? Spindly legged) in every room as they're no bother and keep the mossies down when we have the windows open. Brown recluse get ejected with a glass & cardboard or eaten by the cat.

This year we have a problem with false widows and a kind we've never seen before. They are awful. Striped and with extra long front legs, they shamble across the ceiling as if they're drunk & often fall in your drink/dinner/hair.

We now have around 80 of the fuckers in the kitchen. They are making nests. For many people this wouldn't even be an issue. But me being me I've said to myself, well the windows are open, they aren't scaring me on purpose (even after the night I walked into the kitchen without turning the lights on and had one who was making a web land on my face. ARGH!) Etc. Etc.

We've used every natural repellant going. From plug-in spider scarers (knew they were bullshit but was at wits end last sept) to conkers, peppermint oil, spider hoover, removing them all outside (shudder. That was a horrible day) only to find a new gang there in the morning.

After me and DH being bitten this week (him on the neck, me on the hand WHILST ASLEEP IN BED! Hand swelled up for the next 24 hours, yes, it was a spider, found it crawling down my leg) I have finally and very reluctantly bought spider poison.

I am hoping someone can offer a better solution before I have to use it. DS has mild asthma and am worried about the effect on him (we will evacuate for the day after use) and it's an aersol as well as a poison. It sounds silly, but I've only ever used aerosol twice- the ozone layer was so drummed into me at school it feels akin to pooping straight down a whales blow hole!

AIBU to kill the spiders so they stop biting us? Has anyone got any other solution?

We break webs and remove visible offenders bi-daily BTW.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Stormtreader · 07/09/2015 14:02

My friend had a Charlotte that used to live above her shower, actually over the head of anyone using it. I called it the Spider of Damocles because I was very aware it could drop on me while I was defenceless at any point. Showers at her house weren't very relaxing!

dementedma · 07/09/2015 14:15

Spider of Damocles lol
Ooh, can't wait for the next stories Bess

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/09/2015 14:20

Also waiting for the next instalments of the Sussex Spider Chronicles... Grin

bessarabiantiger · 07/09/2015 14:56

Just as a placeholder reply, my Husband just caught this for me. It was about to land on my head as I put the washing out. He was naked (Husband...well...and spider now I come to think about it), which I will also explain later.

It's approximately the size of the sun.

to kill all the spiders?
OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/09/2015 15:24

Aww, it's only a little garden spider! Now if you really want to see one the size of the sun...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/09/2015 15:27

Let's just say it's called the Giant Golden Orb spider (see, size of the sun! Grin).

DO NOT GOOGLE IT. ESPECIALLY NOT THE IMAGES.

bessarabiantiger · 07/09/2015 15:27

Go on Thumb, we all know you're dying to get your Huntsman out!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/09/2015 15:33

Ha, xposted. Not the Huntsman, not this time. Grin

ThePigeonBroadband · 07/09/2015 16:05

Have just read this entire thread with a mixture of amusement and horror at bess's creature infested house. I would have burned the house down the minute I realised there was more than one spider in my house! This post isn't a shameless placemarking attempt, oh no...

bessarabiantiger · 07/09/2015 21:10

Just to creep everyone the fuck out even more: If you think your house is spider-free then check behind your wall clocks...

You're welcome.

So here is part one of a seemingly infinite series of spider encounters in which Bess loses her shit on the motorway:

My car is ooooollllld. It's a million years old and I love it very much, even when the indicators switch the headlights on and essential services such as windscreen wipers seem to be dictated entirely by whatever fucking mood the car is in that minute. It's a restoration project, it currently leaks, and is a home for spiders (occasionally), the cat (if she fancies a jaunt), and a particularly fearless robin who likes to pop in through the window when I leave it open (or when it won't shut because the car is in a mood and shit on my dashboard.

I use it very rarely to go very short distances, in daylight, when it isn't raining.

Today I was using it for a short jaunt down 'the fasty road' to Sainsburys because my Husband was coming home after a rare weekend away working also The Boy and I had eaten all the food after building a fort in the living room & watching cartoons all Saturday and I thought I'd stock up.

Having settled into my usual routine of bellowing 'Shake it off', I have no radio in my car, and dancing like nobody was watching (everybody was watching, there was traffic coming to the roundabout) I hit the last fast section before turning off and whilst busting a particularly spectacular move, I noticed a spider on the window from the corner of my eye. This story would read better if I was doing that move where you dust your shoulders off and the spider was on my shoulder, but spiders have no comedic timing.

Thinking it was outside the window, I glanced again to make sure.

It was in the car. It was MAHOOSIVE. And it was agitated.

I have dubbed it Stripus Bastardicus Clarkson, a huge, black version of Stripus Bastardicus with highlighted knees (I'm really hoping Thumbwitch gets out her pedantry thesaurus and tells me they're actually called 'death hinges' or something) and a passion for cars. There was nowhere safe to pull off and call an airstrike until the supermarket, so with one eye on the road, one eye on the spider, I tried not to put my foot down, shit my pants, or veer into a hedge before the turn off.

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR.....

Mirror. Signal. Manoeuvre.

....RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Pulled into carpark, parked magnificently under the circumstances, fell out of the passenger door, ran around and flung open the driver's door and then proceeded to attack my car with a towel whilst shouting "MOTHERFUCKER! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US BOTH!" (even the carwash people were steering clear of me, sensibly). Note the towel. Even in the midst of pure fear-rage, I was still trying my best to flick the bastard thing onto the floor.

I then lost the spider, threw in the towel (literally), composed myself and went shopping. Only to return to part 2...

OP posts:
hudyerwheesht · 07/09/2015 21:24
Shock Grin Grin
bessarabiantiger · 07/09/2015 21:49

Part two requires some backstory, so if you're just here for the spider-thrills then I shall put an alert in CAPS SHOUTY FONT when they appear.

My Husband and I could best be described as "Eccentric". Other descriptions include "Batshit crazy" and "Oh fucking hell, not them.".

We are a bit shambolic, and tend to make our money following the time-honoured feast or famine model. We also have astonishing luck (both good and bad - Husband often says if he hadn't actually been there to witness the things that happen to me he would call me a liar. Luckily, he is usually there, so we can say to each other 'Did that just happen?') and are generally happy and we have lovely friends who completely forgive us for our...oddities.

Anyway, one of my peculiarities is a weird kind of hoarding. I hide money in things to find later, always have (top tip: when you get vouchers for Christmas, put them in the box with the decorations, then come December, you have a really nice surprise.) and with my brilliant Dory-like memory for where I have put said money, we often end up with people opening books and finding £200, or once the freezer: "I was making garlic bread and then suddenly there was a load of cash". It's a hark back to the days when I didn't know if next week was going to be good or bad.

SPIDERY BIT

Whilst chasing a particularly tricksy Isembard through 'the crap room' (a room I moved a load of stuff to, including all my admin, whilst I redecorated another room) I remembered learning that Isembards like a cardboard box, so began peeling off lids and shouting "AHAAAAAA!" like a demented Alan Partridge, whilst holding a shoe.

I didn't find the Isembard, but I did find a letter in one of the boxes that I hadn't opened. Turns out that last year I invested some of the squirrel money and had completely forgotten about it.

I did give up Isembard-hunting after that, and am now worried the spiders are actually trying to help us.

Spiders aside, why was your Husband naked?

Going back to 'eccentric'....

As mentioned previously, Husband has been away working, and in public, which means he had to put some damned pants on. Our work is such that we don't have to get dressed if we don't feel like it, and Husband detests wearing any more clothes than necessary at any given moment. So having returned from and entire weekend having to get dressed every morning, he came home and immediately took all his clothes off, then spent the rest of the day enjoying the sunshine as nature intended (we have no neighbours except swans). I'm beyond arguing with it now. Sample conversation:

Me: We need to go and do XYZ thing.

Husband: But it's a lovely day, there are only so many lovely days left in the world.

Me: Put some damned trousers on.

Husband (with arms folded and giving me proper side-eye): Shan't.

I then either have to chase him, or go and do the thing myself. Guess which is quicker?

In his defence....actually I don't need to defend him, he's great the way he is.

OP posts:
BoreOfWhabylon · 08/09/2015 08:11

I am hoping that you are a very very tiny miniature-type person Bess.

Because I want to keep you in my pocket and carry you around all day and keep bringing you out to make me laugh Grin

Moregravyplease · 08/09/2015 08:34

Late to the feast as usual but reading this has made me glad we decided not to buy a house that backed on to a lake. It was lovely but my Mother was convinced we would get lots of rats due to water and I was worried about mozzies.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/09/2015 08:59

I don't know which one it is from your description Bess - but if you look at this link, at the bottom of the page are pictures of the 10 most common spiders in the UK. I'm kind of tempted by the idea that it might be a black lace weaver spider but it doesn't seem to have particularly highlighted knees, just shiny ones (which might give the appearance of highlighting).

The only truly highlighted knees spiders I know of* are the bird-eating spiders and if you had one of THOSE in your car then a) someone is missing their pet and b) chances are you actually died of fright and this is your ghost posting on your behalf. Grin

Spiders in cars are not good. But the most scared I got was when one suddenly splatted on the driver's window while I was going round a bend - I jumped a mile, but luckily it was on the outside of the car (Aus).
The wasp that killed itself on my windscreen then somersaulted in through the open sun-roof onto my lap caused far bigger conniptions though...(UK)

I am not claiming to be some super-arachnologist, btw. Just trying to live up to my totally undeserved rep as given by Bess*. Wink

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/09/2015 08:59

Forgot the link!
www.bbc.co.uk/nature/23898679 - scroll down to the bottom. :)

bessarabiantiger · 08/09/2015 09:18

bore I shall work on a small version of myself which plays sample phrases when squeezed. Like a sweary Barbie.

more rats aren't too bad, the cat helpfully points them out when she sees them whilst doing absolutely nothing about it. The mossies are a bugger. Not in and of themselves, but for sheer spider attracting properties.

May I also thank whoever told me to order a proper spider brush, I spent yesterday merrily dispatching webs from ceilings for all but my very favourite Charlottes, from the happy position of nearly 8' away!

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bessarabiantiger · 08/09/2015 09:22

Thumb we have nearly all of those. And Stripus Bastardicus sure looks like a Cardinal. Bum.

I particularly like the section where it tells you how to identify a spider by looking at the genitals. Which are on its face.

brb. Bleaching my eyes

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ClearBlueWater · 08/09/2015 09:54

OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh. Fuck.

I just watched the vid from page 2 where the bloke tries to catch the big spider on the ceiling.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

TheTravellingLemon · 08/09/2015 10:00

Can you identify the bastard in my bedroom? I appreciate the image is a tad on the blurry side, but I wasn't going to risk getting any closer. It was giving off an evil vibe.

to kill all the spiders?
bessarabiantiger · 08/09/2015 10:04

That's definitely a spider.

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hudyerwheesht · 08/09/2015 10:08

Argh, these links! Why do I keep clicking on them?!

Although - "jumping spider" that "is known to change its behaviour when watched by humans" made me Grin.

Large House Spider is not nearly as much fun as The Beast or Holy Mutherfucking Shitballs. I prefer Bess's descriptions, by far.

I also would like to put my order in for a small Sweary Bess Doll.

hudyerwheesht · 08/09/2015 10:16

clearbluewater I haven't yet worked up the courage to watch that one. Thank you for confirming I need to continue to avoid it.

"giving off an evil vibe" Grin

ClearBlueWater · 08/09/2015 10:22

hudyer - be warned....

small sweet child's voice saying: 'be careful, Daddy...'

v pleasant chap at bottom of stepladder approaching what looks like not tooooo big a spider.

sudden closeup (just about okay)

then pic of chap UP ladder right under FUCKING MAHOOSIVE SPIDER.

Spider lands on blokes head. He falls off ladder. Small sweet child (off camera): 'I told you to be careful, Daddy'

I live in a biggish old house with LOTS of gaps in skirting, panelling etc.
It is very untidy but not dirty.
I have a big basement and lots of chimneys.
I HATE this time of year

TheTravellingLemon · 08/09/2015 10:24

Thanks bess.

I have observed that it appears to be voice activated. Whenever I speak it chases me. Also, it doesn't like the hairdryer. New sub-species?