to kill all the spiders?

[bessarabiantiger]

We live in the country, we're very lucky with our house and we've been here two years. There's a lake on the property and with lakes come mosquito hoardes (fine, live and let live, we knew about this when ee took the place, and with mosquito hoardes come spiders.

I am alright with most types of spider, I allow Huntsman (? Spindly legged) in every room as they're no bother and keep the mossies down when we have the windows open. Brown recluse get ejected with a glass & cardboard or eaten by the cat.

This year we have a problem with false widows and a kind we've never seen before. They are awful. Striped and with extra long front legs, they shamble across the ceiling as if they're drunk & often fall in your drink/dinner/hair.

We now have around 80 of the fuckers in the kitchen. They are making nests. For many people this wouldn't even be an issue. But me being me I've said to myself, well the windows are open, they aren't scaring me on purpose (even after the night I walked into the kitchen without turning the lights on and had one who was making a web land on my face. ARGH!) Etc. Etc.

We've used every natural repellant going. From plug-in spider scarers (knew they were bullshit but was at wits end last sept) to conkers, peppermint oil, spider hoover, removing them all outside (shudder. That was a horrible day) only to find a new gang there in the morning.

After me and DH being bitten this week (him on the neck, me on the hand WHILST ASLEEP IN BED! Hand swelled up for the next 24 hours, yes, it was a spider, found it crawling down my leg) I have finally and very reluctantly bought spider poison.

I am hoping someone can offer a better solution before I have to use it. DS has mild asthma and am worried about the effect on him (we will evacuate for the day after use) and it's an aersol as well as a poison. It sounds silly, but I've only ever used aerosol twice- the ozone layer was so drummed into me at school it feels akin to pooping straight down a whales blow hole!

AIBU to kill the spiders so they stop biting us? Has anyone got any other solution?

We break webs and remove visible offenders bi-daily BTW.

Today has not been a good day.
In a hurry this morning and a bit behind on laundry so when a medium gallopy fucker (are these Isembards?) wandered jauntily across the leg of my trousers as I ironed them, I had to hold back the reflex to squish/melt it for fear of having nothing to wear to work. I shook it onto the floor and it bolted so now I know it's there somewhere lurking...
And then this evening Chris Whatsit from the Really Wild Show is on tv with HUGE pictures of spiders making classical music or something.
Ugh.

And because none of our wildlife behaves
Properly when I cleaned the bathroom downstairs (usually reserved for angry swans or guitar players - long story) I found this chap amidst the remains of a candle-lit bath.

I usually wouldn't laugh at the demise of anything, however there is no denying that this Gentleman met his end looking for all the World as if he was relaxing in a tiny jacuzzi.

What the hell is that?

lemon do they look exactly like what I call money-spiders (what I call money spiders are not money spiders so you'll just have to use your imagination) but with a red bottom? Because we've suddenly gota lot of them. more later

airside I think we need a gallopy fucker scale. Working to a rough guide I have this:

• 'urgh!' = a brown spider on the carpet
• 'ARGH!' = a brown spider moving at speed who discernably has juicy legs.
• 'HOLY MUTHAFUCKIN SHITBALLS' = A REALLY BIG BROWN SPIDER MOVING AT SPEED.
• 'Gallopy fucker' = a big brown spider wherever a big brown spider oughtn't to be. Includes (but is not limited to) baths, clothes, the fucking hallway, running anywhere within eyeshot, in childrens' sleeves.

-Isembard = any and all of the above. Because when dealing with any/all of the above no sane person is asking you about size or speed.

Hope that clears it up.

dementedma That is a moth. Relaxing in a jacuzzi.

Or Beetlejuice. And we're about to be menaced by sandworms, nothing would surprise me here.

Amazing stories from Eviction Day. I think there is still some confusion about The Beast/gallopus fuckeris/isimbards though.

Are Beasts those massive house spiders that the Daily Mail keeps running hysterical stories about? Because they always run at me (and others apparently) so this might be where the confusion has arisen.

I also NEED to know why there was a kestrel eating a sausage.

And yes, that does indeed look like death by - or at least during - a candle jacuzzi, is it a moth??

Ah, cross post. Just seen the rough guide!

What kind of sausages do kestrels like?

An Isembard is whatever you want it to be. my gift to you all.

Had initially worried about my first pic of jacuzzi moth as I took it from his final resting place, which is (naturally, as I am keeping him) in front of the jar full of my Father-in-laws' ashes topped by a bunny, that lives in the kitchen.

Father-in-law is somewhat depleted as we drop handfuls off whenever we go somewhere nice. He was also front row at our wedding.

Spiders may be the least of our problems really.

Bess you make me laugh so much

Kestrels like a traditional pork & sage apparently.

We have a family of crows (because of course we do) which we leave meat for on the bird table is it's gone a bit whiffy. We also have the politest Gulls in all England who wait until we've left the decking area to attempt to snatch said turny-meat before the crows arrive.

Kestrel has been footling about with her family for a few weeks, have never seen her so close. But of course she waited until we had a jar full of angry spiders...

We have also had in recent weeks, geese knocking at the door, and Husband nearly getting blinded by an overenthusiastic kingfisher.

Bess, I have to say - it seems like all the bonkers wildlife in the South East has been making its way to your door!

You and your DH seem to be a magnet for unhinged creatures! With the exception of the polite gulls.

Spiders come in through the Bat Door (yes, we have a bat door). Get scared of the bats, move downstairs, scare us, we move outside.

It's like the Lion King, but with more horror.

I'm new here but maybe in the fullness of time I shall become bessie mates with posters I've never met. If one of them is bess, rest assured that I shall always have a really good reason to be unavailable for a do at her wildlife sanctuary home.

Love the thread :o We have millions of the big, brown bastards at the minute, charging at speed across the floor. DH refused to catch the one heading for our bedroom tonight so I caught it with a pint glass and a small chopping board. Then because DD heard my squeal of horror I had to pretend it was a small scream of joy and do a whole 'Wow! Look at the spider DD! Look at his legs! Look at his fucking horrendous eye-fang things. Isn't he lovely? Bye bye spider!'

Lily, never let it be said that we do not have 'astonishing' parties (because we do. who doesn't want to participate in boat-jousting?) But yeah, I understand that the demented wildlife can be a put-off.

Oddly, all of our friends have weird relationships with vicious creatures. Our lovely friend accidentally frightened a shark to death. Again, the story would be easier if I was making it up...

JORAH!

I did that on our first spider-season (also bought the book 'AAAARGH! SPIDER! which was very useful). I have also found that pointing to (whatever ridiculous animal is performing in the vicinity) a curious creature with an exclaimation of delight has not only increased my own appreciation and tolerance, but has gone a long way in delaying the thundering footsteps of tiny contraceptives when you're trying to have a nice shag.

I'm preening eversoslightly here at the fact that little thumbwitch got saved and a nice clean area to live in! AND that I now have potential fame on spider-removal kit

I found this today while looking at something completely different - those of you with severe spider issues might want to look through closed fingers or something as there is a photo of a monster Beast on the page home.bt.com/lifestyle/house-home/british-homes-are-being-invaded-by-giant-spiders-heres-how-to-get-rid-of-them-11363998533689
I hasten to add that the "how to get rid of them" is sorely lacking in usefulness as it involves only the glass-and-card trick, which, let's face it, all of us already know about and only some of us are able to employ!

And just to update on the white-tail that was living under the glass on the garden table - I decided I needed the glass back today so took it away to see if the damn thing had died yet and it bloody well hadn't! So I had to beat it to death with a plastic packet of something or other that was on the table (I hadn't prepared properly, shame on me!) and it took several goes to squish it effectively Done now though.

I don't know why this isn't in Classics yet. I shall put it forward again. It should be.

And am I the only one who wants to go and visit Bess's house now? The sausage-eating kestrel is wonderful! Although we have our own version of that - the bacon-eating kookaburras and grey butcher bird. This is the first winter I've been here that we haven't had a grey butcher bird come begging for food at our patio window - the first couple of years, it was so bold, it would knock on the window with its beak to get our attention, and we could almost hand feed it - until it mistook DS1's little finger for a piece of bacon and he got a fright!

And I have to thank you Bess for the link to the Moomin candle go round thingy - I'd seen those years ago and then forgotten about them, but Amazon have come up trumps and I have ordered one to be sent to my Dad's for pick up next time I'm there. Hurrah!

Not read whole thread but has anyone found a gallopy fucker in their wardrobe? I have a walk-in one with no cupboard doors so it's a free-for-all.

I had a creepy spindly one in the shower with me this morning. Why always my shower? He was ahem sadly drowned in the deluge of shampoo.

Woah!!

Leave those spindly ones where they are, webs and all.

This mornjng a big black fucker is caught in a web and the stringy one is eating it so thats not a myth after all!
I shall have to leave the house all webbed up until after spider season!

Argh, I clicked on that link - yep, that indeed is a Beast. And the article lies - it says they usually run away. Not the ones in my house, they head straight for me.

Agree with Ledkr that the spindly ones are our friends - they eat the others (as per Bess's tale of Eviction Day proved).

I was about to regale you with tales from my gym that everyone told me (it is impossible not to engage in conversation with someone wearing these trousers) but
There is now an injured swan on the lawn so I have to go and jump on it & wrestle it into a towel to transport to the bird sancuary.

never a dull moment...

Wasn't a spider eating spindly one. Just a galloping skinny creepy fecker. Vom.