to kill all the spiders?

[bessarabiantiger]

We live in the country, we're very lucky with our house and we've been here two years. There's a lake on the property and with lakes come mosquito hoardes (fine, live and let live, we knew about this when ee took the place, and with mosquito hoardes come spiders.

I am alright with most types of spider, I allow Huntsman (? Spindly legged) in every room as they're no bother and keep the mossies down when we have the windows open. Brown recluse get ejected with a glass & cardboard or eaten by the cat.

This year we have a problem with false widows and a kind we've never seen before. They are awful. Striped and with extra long front legs, they shamble across the ceiling as if they're drunk & often fall in your drink/dinner/hair.

We now have around 80 of the fuckers in the kitchen. They are making nests. For many people this wouldn't even be an issue. But me being me I've said to myself, well the windows are open, they aren't scaring me on purpose (even after the night I walked into the kitchen without turning the lights on and had one who was making a web land on my face. ARGH!) Etc. Etc.

We've used every natural repellant going. From plug-in spider scarers (knew they were bullshit but was at wits end last sept) to conkers, peppermint oil, spider hoover, removing them all outside (shudder. That was a horrible day) only to find a new gang there in the morning.

After me and DH being bitten this week (him on the neck, me on the hand WHILST ASLEEP IN BED! Hand swelled up for the next 24 hours, yes, it was a spider, found it crawling down my leg) I have finally and very reluctantly bought spider poison.

I am hoping someone can offer a better solution before I have to use it. DS has mild asthma and am worried about the effect on him (we will evacuate for the day after use) and it's an aersol as well as a poison. It sounds silly, but I've only ever used aerosol twice- the ozone layer was so drummed into me at school it feels akin to pooping straight down a whales blow hole!

AIBU to kill the spiders so they stop biting us? Has anyone got any other solution?

We break webs and remove visible offenders bi-daily BTW.

Tell us Thumb!

OK, but you can't blame me for any injuries you might sustain

I was in this lovely homewares warehouse type shop, with DS1 when he was about 3 or 4. He was being pretty good, not touching stuff or anything, but suddenly I realised I was being tailed by the owner, and I was about to get all offended, because I was looking after DS1 and making sure he wasn't touching - when the bloke said "um, just stand still for a sec would you?" so I did, and he knocked my shoulder - or rather he knocked the huntsman that was sitting on the back of my shoulder onto the floor, and then swept it up with the dustpan he was holding and chucked it outside (presumably before his terrier tried to eat it).

I was a bit shell-shocked - obviously hadn't known spidey was there (had a jacket on) - but more OMFG, where did it come from?? Had it been on me in the car? Had it been in my car and climbed on me when I got out? Had I picked it up as we walked into the shop?! Who knows!

That was my closest encounter. I've had a few others but that was the only actual physical contact one.

It's a relief to be amongst people that understand
Daren't even tell dsis, she'd probably report me to the RSPCA ('A' for arachnids obv)

The very few people I've shared with have been horrified and start spouting the 'glass and paper' nonsense at me whilst treating me like Hannibal Lecter Cos you have those to grab at lightening speed hand in every room don't you

Yep Thumb, just as I thought

I think I would have wanted to burn my jacket...

Don't wish to alarm anyone (although frankly I feel we are all past that)

This time of year i check my towels actually I do it all year but that may appear obsessive I discovered one year after taking a lovely warm fluffy towel from the airing cupboard, ready for my exit from the shower, that the gallopy fuckers rather like a warm towel.

It crawled out as I wrapped the towel around me clearly pissed off at being woken, cue me sprinting and shrieking out of the bathroom naked

I don't think I have passed my fear onto my children. When DD was two, bless her, another of the gallopy fuckers crawled out the sleeve of her cardigan. She came toddling up to me all innocent with the evil monster sat on her shoulder like a parrot "no like mummy, no like" (seriously they must love soft cosy fabric to sleep in). I absolutely did not drag the cardy off her, throw it on the floor and jump up and down on it like a lunatic, no not me.

Ahh - children.

DS1 - had no fear at all of anything much in the animal world, until he went to school and his bezzie decided to confer her fear of spiders onto him. He then got all hysterical about spiders of any size or shape, including completely harmless garden ones (amazingly, we have those too! ) which bored the tits off me, especially since Ds2 was just coming up to understanding this sort of thing.

So, Ds2 - started being scared of spiders (thanks DS1 and bezzie! ) BUT it also extended to other bugs, especially cockroaches. The worst screaming I've ever heard from him, honestly thought he'd lost a limb or something, was when he was cornered by a cockroach. I thought he was getting over it but the other day I was on the loo (typical!) and heard him kicking off - again, thought he'd seriously hurt himself but no! Luckily Ds1 was around, and saw that it was an assassin bug (also fairly unpleasant if they attack, but they rarely do) so squished it for me.

I admit I have a general loathing of cockroaches, but not to the extent of screaming when I see one, so I guess DS2 has acquired that one all by himself...

I got both of them over their spider ishoos by buying a toy Hallowe'en spider, that is at least 16" in diameter, and letting them play with it. It even has furry legs.

Last year I was driving into town when a fucking huge bastard appeared from the dash and started to walk towards me!!!!
I screamed but managed to continue to drive until I could safely pull over and get out to run away.
Dd1 came with me also shrieking, dd2 was strapped into the carseat so just sat there looking decidedly bemused.
A passing man offered his assistance obviously presuming there was a serial killer in the back seat.
When he realised the problem he walked away looking at us as if we were insane.
I stuffed the dash with scarves and anything I could find to drive dd to her dance class.
I then called DH and demanded he bring his car to me (3miles away) and swap.
I had him Hoover it out thoroughly and even check the engine
I had no choice but to tentatively carry on drivjng the infested vw though.
A few months later I found the fucker in the back footwell attempting to eat a discarded piece of Aldi cereal bar!!
He must have been starving.
I made dh take him down to the end of the road just in case he was a homing spider.

I've just had to explain to my children that no, I'm not crying because I'm sad but because I'm reading something funny. This was tricky given that I had to choose to either talk or breathe whilst laughing!

This is fantastic! I used to be fearless around spiders until a small one had a very decent try at biting me as I was taking him outside (had 2 small dents in my little finger), been a bit more cautious since then!

I try and leave mine alone unless they cross the line of being
a) clearly too big a spider to live in a human house
b) dropping from their web to RightInFrontOfMyFace
or
c) running actually at me or defiantly trying to stare me down in my own hallway (I heard the western film stand-off music for a second, and then realised he could get lost as I was a million times bigger than him and it was my house. Points for courage though.)

I don't understand why I'm phobic towards any arachnid over the size of a 10p piece but can happily handle cockroaches, massive beetles on holiday (we don't have any here), wasps, moths... anything else really. It pains me to see others harm them but there's nothing I won't do to a spider to kill it at long range.

Just to let you know I haven't been eaten by spiders. But am ver busy & have snuck out to post this...

There have been developments.

Ooh, really?

Was this you, OP?

Fuck me!!! Imagine getting that through your letterbox!!

Arrrrggghhhh!! I'M in Bristol!

Isembard! Did I get Wonky's address wrong? Bugger.

bess

slowly catching up on thread

This is a candle-powered Moomin go-round (it has a proper name). It performs the dual function of filling me with utter joy and delineating the start and end of dinner. If the candle is lit & Moomins are a'rotatin then no, you may not leave table. Unless you need a poo.

So here I am, and we've had an interesting eviction, but more on that later, let's talk about you:

Bumbledum - which book were they in? Enquiring minds need to know.

Piecesofcake - we have one of those {for shame} but have discovered a very interesting side-effect. Only Hipsters can hear them. DD'd Father is a designer with a huge beard who works in Shoreditch, whenever we have it on (it regulates on a frequency only those who crave artisan cheeses can hear apparently) he asks what the bloody noise is. Spiders love the fucking thing though.

Lily Shall I send you a Blunderbuss filled with magic earth?

Blahblah which book?

Coescomehome So many questions. Why were you having a shower at 2.30am? Why did I read it as 'CLIT BANG' and spend a good ten minutes trying to figure out what that was?

Dementedma Lovely description (I did actually check online as to who might want a spider up their fanjo and would highly recommend that you don't ever look) and, to clear it up, a Gallopus Fuckeris is exactly the same as an Isembard, science isn't an exact science you know.

Enb I demand YMCA spiders this instant. If they lived here we wouldn't be having this problem, I would have built a very fashionable discotheque out of a shoebox and would be spending my evenings twirling a discoball for them. (ooooh, remind me to tell you about the funnelweb/discoball horror). I feel your pain on geese. Ours have evolved to knocking on the door and demanding food with menaces.

married I have nothing witty to add to your tale. You are quite witty enough without me, that made me laugh that did.

Thumb WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK? (Huntsman jacket)

Married - I am currently designing a range of spider removing equipment emblazoned with the legend Embrace your inner Thumbwitch. For Every room.

Cockbollocks I changed all the linens today. I absolutely jumped all over everything that came out of the linen cupboard because Fuck That.

Ledkr I would have done the same. Frankly, stealing the cereal bar may have tipped me over the edge into setting fire to the car (I like food).

Hippy Hello! tell them it's happy crying. Then show them all the pictures. That'll shut em up...

Storm I haven't forgotten you, but your tale features havily in my news...watch this space.

Lily You are both sane and sensible. I can deal with whip scorpions, Barracuda, snakes and insane dogs. Show me a spider moving at speed and I become both irrational and strangely violent.

So now I've said Hello, I'm going to put DS to bed, and return with the tale of...

THE EVICTION

I NEED a Moomin-go-round! I love the Moomins.

havily. It's a proper grown-up word and nobody can tell me otherwise. Similar to "Heavily" but much more Sloaney.

As eviction day dawned, I had a feeling that my Husband (I'm trying very hard to get on with the DH/DD/Dsil etc abbreviations but am finding that I'm failing, I feel a bit odd using them because I wouldn't usually, so am reverting to my comfort zone.) may not be entirely up for moving all of the furniture, pulling out books and wearing full suits of armour. Having convinced him via the cunning mediums of appearing sulky and slightly afraid whilst promising possible reward-sex that this was a brilliant idea, we sallied forth into the downstairs of the house.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

So for everyone reading this who thinks they don't have any spiders I have some new science for you:

Whilst the Bess Tiger APB scale allows for visible arachnids, it is only when you actually start looking for the blighters that the true scale of the horror becomes apparent. For example, in rooms where we had a zero apb reading, further investigation revealed a whole fucking world of pain that frankly I'd rather not have known about.

In the kitchen, my Husband decided (and there was no way I was fucking arguing) that before he allowed me to go completely postal and annihilate everything that he would remove as many Stripus Bastardicus as he could by hand and put them on the bird table. This way we felt everyone had a sporting chance. We encountered several hiccups with this plan. The first being that he decided to group the spiders in the same jar...

After his first foray he returned grim-faced and said with solemnity "I cannot, for ethical reasons, remove any more Charlottes with another kind of spider".

Me: She fucking ate them didn't she?

Husband: Yes. She was surprisingly fast.

I didn't laugh.

Not within earshot anyway.

God love him he carried on (he has only adopted card & glass since finally believing me learning that many UK spiders can deliver a nasty bite) and on his second round of evictions, decided to only collect Stripus Bastardicus together. Because what could possibly go wrong there Gentle reader?

Husband: talking sternly to jar full of angry spiders Will you all please stop fighting?

me: Did you put them all in the same jar again?

Husband: Open the door! (To spiders in Liverpudlian accent) Alright! Caaaalm down!.

Turns out there was a Kestrel on the bird table (just a note for new readers - precisely none of our wildlife behaves itself properly) eating a sausage (now I just feel like I need to explain that statement. I'm not going to, but suffice to say I'll feel guilty about that for a while) and we felt too awed to interrupt. So we stood stock still holding a jar of angry spiders and watched a Kestrel eat a sausage.

I am so happy I got to write those words before I die. so damned happy.

And now I'm worried that Mumsnet has a word-limiet per-post so am going to go and have a break before returning for Part 2. In which Husband brings out his ^worst swear*.

Pmsl. What happened next?

Actually sitting here laughing my head off. That Charlotte's a bit of a dark horse. I thought she was dust for sure when she shared a jar.

Having evicted everyone visible from the kitchen bar one Charlotte, we moved on to the living room. Clearing this involved moving the piano (urgh) and uttering the words "Fucking hell, they've shit on the big Buddha".

Husband may or may not have appreciated how dire my need for assistance was once he moved the woodbasket to reveal a 'THE BEAST' and a whole graveyard of Elephants (hungry fuckers they are) behind it. Which elicited our favourite swear, PG version "Joseph Crabbington Christopher on a Crab-bike".

We then found a Funnel-web (Thumbwitch if I've got that wrong, forgive me My Love, if I look-up another spider today I may shit my pants) in a hitherto unsuspected crevice above the window behind the disco ball.

Yes, I have a disco ball by my window, it makes nice sparkles on the walls at dawn. I refuse to confirm or deny that I am running any kind of spider speakeasy in my house...

Husband then started checking which spiders were to be evicted and which were to be left.

Husband: This one? points

Me: No, that's Little Thumbwitch.

Husband: This one?

Me: No! That's Baby Jorah!

Husband: This one?

Me: THAT'S A FUCKING ISEMBARD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!

Husband:...

Anyway, Baby Jorah and Little Thumbwitch were held (in separate jars) whilst we attacked webs with gusto, vigour, and a brush. Both have now been repatriated and are looking very pleased with themselves.

Settling down after dinner, I noticed a little tiny spider who had obviously been displaced by the day's upheaval. I wouldn't have thought to look closely as it was sooooooooo tiny, but The Boy had found one in his room earlier and I didn't get a good look before it vanished out the window (with me encouraging it enthusiastically). It is tiny - so tiny I can't get my phone to focus, am charging up 'the good camera' - and has a dark brown front & burnt red bottom.

I have caught & detained, and surrounded it with Magic Dinosaur Earth for tonight. Tomorrow I am putting it in a police line-up.

The tiny red ones! That's what we have. I don't know if it's our house, but they seem to die really quickly. I've got one on my ceiling at the moment that's on its last legs.