to kill all the spiders?

[bessarabiantiger]

We live in the country, we're very lucky with our house and we've been here two years. There's a lake on the property and with lakes come mosquito hoardes (fine, live and let live, we knew about this when ee took the place, and with mosquito hoardes come spiders.

I am alright with most types of spider, I allow Huntsman (? Spindly legged) in every room as they're no bother and keep the mossies down when we have the windows open. Brown recluse get ejected with a glass & cardboard or eaten by the cat.

This year we have a problem with false widows and a kind we've never seen before. They are awful. Striped and with extra long front legs, they shamble across the ceiling as if they're drunk & often fall in your drink/dinner/hair.

We now have around 80 of the fuckers in the kitchen. They are making nests. For many people this wouldn't even be an issue. But me being me I've said to myself, well the windows are open, they aren't scaring me on purpose (even after the night I walked into the kitchen without turning the lights on and had one who was making a web land on my face. ARGH!) Etc. Etc.

We've used every natural repellant going. From plug-in spider scarers (knew they were bullshit but was at wits end last sept) to conkers, peppermint oil, spider hoover, removing them all outside (shudder. That was a horrible day) only to find a new gang there in the morning.

After me and DH being bitten this week (him on the neck, me on the hand WHILST ASLEEP IN BED! Hand swelled up for the next 24 hours, yes, it was a spider, found it crawling down my leg) I have finally and very reluctantly bought spider poison.

I am hoping someone can offer a better solution before I have to use it. DS has mild asthma and am worried about the effect on him (we will evacuate for the day after use) and it's an aersol as well as a poison. It sounds silly, but I've only ever used aerosol twice- the ozone layer was so drummed into me at school it feels akin to pooping straight down a whales blow hole!

AIBU to kill the spiders so they stop biting us? Has anyone got any other solution?

We break webs and remove visible offenders bi-daily BTW.

Splaxon looks like a house spider but so does Isemburg! Or maybe a cardinal but cardinals can apparently grow to 14cm!!!!

Don't look at this link,unless you have a strong constitution....but it lists different species

Http:www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/10-common-spiders-found-around-4200933

I'm making my own list:

CHARLOTTES - lovely spindly tinkly spiders made of glass, excellent singers. Retain as they eat other spiders (a fact I found out on this thread!)

ISEMBARDS: Giant brown gallopy fuckers who steal all your coffee (for speed) and refuse to stay on the floor where they belong. Deploy cats or hairspray (more new facts!)

STRIPUS BASTARDICUS: Drunken zombie spiders who steal wine by dive-bombing from the ceiling into your glass. Should probably be shot as are bitey fekkers.

THOMAS ARAGOG VAN ANTLERS: Ginormous striped porch-dwellers, can be distinguished from stripus bastadicus by bringing over a Cardinal and seeing if he lifts his skirts and screams like a girl. No known cure. You just have to abandon the porch.

poo chute

Hahahaha...I'm lolling properly .

From your excellent diagram I have identified it as a Fuck That.

As in Fuck That for a game of soldiers, just kill it with fire.

Jorah that made me Mutley laugh and now I can't stop.

"From your excellent diagram I have identified it as a Fuck That.

As in Fuck That for a game of soldiers, just kill it with fire."

And squishing, don't forget the squishing, Jorah! Squish and burn!

Wow, this thread has moved on quite a bit since yesterday. Am worried about everyone's wine, beds and chocolately carpets. And appalled by Isembard - that spider is, as I am prone to saying, the size of a small horse.

Brian says no thanks ( we'll I'm speaking for him) as we have plenty already.

Welcome back twinjocks! Who would you bet against in a fight, a Falabella or Isembard?

Omg I'm going to have nightmares!
Why wouldn't you poison them? Ugh shudder at the thought of that many spiders! I Hoover them in my house. I'm so sorry for you!

That's fine Brian (puts Isembard in envelope & posts c/o wonkylegs towers), we understand...

Jw, I can't poison them now because poison will kill all the Charlottes (see my excellent scientific field-guide to spiders on this very page). So am evicting by hand once have finished dealing with not-poo carpet and posting Isembard to wonky's house

All caught up? Excellent.

I see..charlottes! No I don't think I even care about those! I can't get this thread out my mind! 80 spiders in the kitchen? When did you start realising this was a problem? that's an infestation isn't it? I couldn't even come to your house for a cup of tea!

This thread makes me think you should burn down your house. But then again I can't cope with one spider being in my house!

They all come in this time of year. I think they're early because of all the rain, then someone had babies, and then I became completely distracted by this thread I had to make a thermos of tea so you can have it sitting outside on the decking (although wouldn't recommend that at dusk because of low-flying bats. How are you with bats?) with a nice blanket and an umbrella. So now they all just live here, in my bed and I write about them on Mumsnet. Phew!

MY MAGIC EARTH HAS ARRIVED! I now just need it to stop raining for ten bloody minutes. I also need a spell to cast whilst scattering it.

I think your spider poo, spider poo song would do as a magic spell.
I googled that magic earth stuff and then was horrified that people eat it by the teaspoon to "detox". Yuk, yuk, yuk.

I've taped up the letterbox just in case Isembard makes it up north, Brian has plenty of friends to play without more arriving by post!

See? Another plus for slowing them down with hairspray... it should make a dandy flare up for an exit by fire.

Impressed with magic earth. I should cover my entire back garden with it. There are spiders everywhere back there. The dcs run around barefoot and just flick them off if they see one. When ds1 was almost 4, he caught one of those big fast dreadful spiders and gave it to me - "look what I found mummy!" Nearly had a heart attack. I had to take it from him and throw it outside.

Maybe they swallowed a spider (to catch the fly) airside?

DH has managed to train DS in spider removal in case he's not here. Yes, I am perfectly happy to allow a 6 year old to fight my battles thank you! If he brought one inside I would be having words.

Just caught up. Isimbard is huge!!

I think I have the same species of Stripus Bastardus as you, judging by your fabulous diagrams. I had one in the kitchen earlier (see, mine are evolving too - they know there will be wine in the kitchen when I'm cooking so have strolled in from the garden) - I was getting quite fond of it and had named it Boris but then DH decided to return it to the garden and now I'm thinking this is bad because Boris is now going to tell all his friends that there's wine to divebomb in my nice warm kitchen.

This thread is the funniest thing I've read in ages, how do I nominate for Classics, never done it before?

I have no idea!

perhaps if Boris returns you coukd invest in tiny paper cocktail umbrellas to protect your wine? Or a flame-thrower. That seems to be the consensus we've gathered here, not enough fire in the war on spiders apparently.

This thread is brilliant. You have such a way with words bess. Hope you manage to evict the spiders soon.

at Tiggy's pic!

Tiggy that's brilliant. And true in this house I warrant.

I have finally found one to name after Jorah. It's teeeeeeennny weeeeeenie. I keep looking at it and saying 'aaaaahhh. Baby Jorah' as if I were saying 'baby jesus'.

I need a lie down. Except then all the willie wiping and using my gob as a toilet begins afresh. I couldn't sleep anyway as DH is on a rant about Kanye West's arse and keeps following me about.