Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

[MmeLindor]

Reading this this blog today and thinking that I would have included Donna Moss.

Donna could have done with realising that she was more than just a secretary, or admin assistant. By the end of Season 7, she'd escaped Josh's office and snagged herself a fab job, but wish it hadn't taken so long! Typical scene - in the CJ interview, where she says 'oh, but what do I know', I wanted to give her a good shake.

Who would you include?

Also - this thread is excellent, thank you all so much!

Stephanie Plum. You have two hot guys available. Fucking choose one will you?

Antigone, seriously love just go and bury your brother. Your dad's a right cunt.

Ooh, we're on to Greek mythology are we? This could be epic
Citizens of Troy: step away from the horse, it's a trap.
Leda, that's really not a swan, and why would you take a swan into your bedroom anyway- their wings can break your arm, you know.
Phaedra, he's your DSS ffs, and Ariadne is not your friend.

Icarus, listen to your dad

FFS Pandora, bury that sodding box and forget about it

Medea, get therapy love.

If we're doing King Arthur:

Guinevere, while you were mooning over Lancelot, other women in this book have been inventing dildos and killing men who talk back to them. Seriously, there is a (twisted and dodgy) radfem paradise out there. Go get into it.

Gawain, please stop being such a giant, giant wuss. Just kiss the boys. It's fine. Or, alternatively, break with tradition and put some bloody clothes on when you know random women are going to come into your bedroom.

To everyone in One Hundred Years of Solitude: There are hundreds of names out there! Have some originality.

Creusa: run. He's not worth it, and he will abandon you because he is a patriarchial wassock.

Dido: ditto, but really, did you need to kill yourself over it?

Goethe's Werther: stop whining. It's just a fucking crush and two years from now you'll be laughing about it and obsessing over someone else. If you don't off yourself first, that is!

Romeo: You spent the entire first act blathering on about some other chick and now you're all suicidal about some girl you've known for less than a week? Seriously WTF?!?

Ned Stark: Pragmatism. Learn some! It's no good having principles if you're not going to be around in order to stick to them!

Heidi, seriously? How the fuck is your poor old toothless grandma supposed to eat months old rolls with the consistency of rocks?

Peter and Jane's parents, give that poor animal a proper name. Pat the dog wasn't even funny the first time.

Carrie Bradshaw. Just stop.

Truly wonderful thread. All my most loathed ones on here, Jude, Lear, Emmas Woodhouse and Bovary, Cathy, Dorothea.

Othello. He just needed to be told not to be so stupid.

Anne of Green Gables to stop pissing Gilbert, a nice if boring young man, around. And stop writing stupid whimsical poetry. Her awful twins. Just go away, please.

Lily Dale. Oh get over it.

Catullus, stop whinging. Your fault for writing erotic poetry about a VIP's daughter ( can't say who..)You were bloody lucky not to get the poisoned toga treatment.

Rabbit. Please please remember to take your Ritalin with your carrots.

Hamlet, you're too old for all this emo teenage angst. Show some consideration for A Level students and go out and get a job and stop all the soliloquising and dithering about. And while you're at it, dump Ophelia, before Horatio gets tired of waiting for you to realise who your true love is.

Harriet, I do agree. Btw, I don't find you v irritating. Ld Peter is much more so, save when he explains how awful he finds the world. Or is playing Bach or Scarlatti to himself.

Oedipus. Don't marry Jocasta. There will be a world of trouble and you'll get yourself a bad name. People will talk about you and your complex for years.

Lois Lane - look again. Imagine him without the glasses. Look familiar?

Little red riding hood - Granny is a werewolf, that's why she lives alone in the woods, visit anytime but not the full moon.

Pigs - get together and build a brick sty - you will be all the better for it, you can live a blissful and hippy communal vegan life

Rapunzel - cut your hair off, tie it around a bedpost and go get a life, stop waiting for some tosser with a hair fetish

Jar Jar Binks - step away from George Lucas now - you are the worst bit of the 3 other films that try to be Star Wars

Best. Thread. Ever.

Susan of Narnia: just for info, apparently you're going to go to Hell for wearing lipstick. On the plus side, it'll mean you don't spend eternity with aslan and your pious twat siblings...

Keep 'em coming, these are brilliant and I need my mind taken off more serious matters

One of my very favourite books, Cold Comfort Farm, was written as a pisstake of overwrought country dramas. The heroine spends the book doing exactly what this thread is doing, and telling all the doom-laden characters to get a grip and sort themselves out. It's fabulous.

Elizabeth Proctor: it is NOT your fault your husband cheated on you with the maid.

And John Proctor: She was a child, ffs! Precocious, yes, but still a child. And don't then blame her when it all goes sour.

And stockings, tea. Lipstick and stockings: get behind me, Satan!

Bone from Hangover Square - keep your money in your wallet! They aren't your friends and Netta is a dreadful alcoholic who's blatantly shagging Nazi Peter.

Rincewind - it's not all potatoes and running, you know?