Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

[MmeLindor]

Reading this this blog today and thinking that I would have included Donna Moss.

Donna could have done with realising that she was more than just a secretary, or admin assistant. By the end of Season 7, she'd escaped Josh's office and snagged herself a fab job, but wish it hadn't taken so long! Typical scene - in the CJ interview, where she says 'oh, but what do I know', I wanted to give her a good shake.

Who would you include?

[AstrantiaMajor]

Mr Bennet you have FIVE daughters not TWO.
Stop constantly criticising the other 3 or you will find yourself on the toxic parent thread.

[madein1995]

Jack Taylor. For goodness sake, pull yourself together and don't act all broody and do things purely to piss off your ex boss. Be nice to those that like you.

Janice from Benidorm. Stop indulging your mother, dump your stupid man child of a husband and do what makes you happy.

Bridget Jones - you don't need a man for goodness sake so stop wallowing in 10 tonne of ice cream. And stop moaning you're fat. And give your creepy old uncle a good slap around the chops.

Cathy in Wuthering Heights. Stop letting your heart rule everything you do, and stop putting up with Heathcliff and the other one's shit.

Rory Gilmore. Oh where do I begin? You're not the centre of the universe, you're not all that, you're certainly not an angel and despite being obviously intellectually endowed you are not that clever. You have done nothing really constructive to get out of your current unemployment prediciment - instead, you are virtually homeless and 'working' unpaid on a newspaper while aiming for ridiculously high powered jobs. Even a job in Doose's Stores would be better! As for selling your mums story and then throwing a childlike strop, when she protested, well!

Lorelai Gilmore. You're not 'quirky' you are annoying. You change your mind over silly things, do ridiculous things and speak to your mum like dirt. You didn't have the perfect childhood, no one did. Your parents only crime was trying to care for you which while stifling was NOT cause to take your small child and live in a shed (Social Services anyone) and then for years using it as an excuse for how much you loved your kid, that you would do that. No, love would have been swallowing your pride and staying in bloody Hartford!

Stacey West/Shipman. You're spoilt, and like an overgrown toddler in many respects. As for trying to get pregnant without telling your husband, I think you need to take a good look in the mirror.

Edina from Ab Fab. Absolutely crap, neglectful and abusive mother who acts more teenager like than her own daughter, and who needs to bloody check herself. Stop hanging round with the twattish blonde one, deal with your problems and if you can't do that give Saffy to your own mum so the poor kid has some chance of a life!

Reg in Rock and Chips. Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there, fuck off some more.

Tracey Beaker. Yes you've had a hard life, but try not to be such a brat to Cam.

Cam in Tracey Beaker. FFS woman, put some boundaries and consequences in place not just smile and say Oh Tracey. And STOP sending her back to the dumping ground when you're pissed off/had enough. She's been abandoned once by her mother, the last thing she needs is you doing the same thing, especially as that's NOT what most parents would do. You're using the care system as a punishment. Instead of acting so cruelly and ineffectually and being scared of a child, I suggest you put some real rules and consequences in place and stick to them. She will respond!

[HolisticAssassin]

Clara Hutt India Knight Stop mentioning the Connaught for the love of God. Do you get a discount per mention per book
Donna from Pulling Let Karl move on, ya selfish cah

I assume I am the only illiterate one who sees the fictional Holden Caulfield and gets mixed up with actor Maxwell Caulfield (from such greats as Grease 2, the Colbys and Empire records)

[Lara2]

Fanny Price - stop with the social intercourse and getting knocked up!

Lucie Manette - you are a spoilt precious little brat and probably need a good slap!

[annandale]

Oh, I'll talk to Ginty Marlow and Patrick Merrick [rubs hands]

Ginty, just because Patrick is the only man you're not related to that you have ever met, FGS get shot of that crush. He's a priggish creep who will insist on a full conversion and you having 15 children, all of which will have to go to private school according to him, so you will be too broke to do anything but grub turnips like your mother, only worse. You are actually pretty hot; go and get a job in Carnaby Street and have a good time.

Patrick Merrick - you steaming hypocrite - it's not OK to snog the au pair and think it doesn't count because she's a servant. Just promise me you will never become a priest as you are fantastically screwed up. And obviously don't marry Ginty as you have precisely nothing in common, and leave Nicola alone as she is worth ten of you. Go and see a bit of life and if you have to, join Opus Dei aged about 60, except you might have found a more humane path by then.

[annandale]

Flora Poste: you're in the future, stop wasting water with seven baths a week and have a shower.

Tess Durbeyfield: be honest, you preferred farm labour on the farm with the machines, didn't you? You may have been less in tune with nature, but oddly, you were substantially less knackered.

Abigail Parris - did you miss the commandment about not bearing false witness?

[SoulAccount]

Susan, this is your adventure too! Leadership is one thing, stepping into an adult construct and re-inventing yourself as Mother is simply not required. You are older, experienced and wise. Use your power for good, capturing the Amazon. You won't catch Nany Blackett peeling potatoes and worrying about whether everyone has dry socks!

[Thegiantofillinois]

I used to think Jo March married a much, much older man. I married a man 10 years older than me, who now sports a beard. I think I was unduly influenced.

Lennie: he's behind you.


Willy: you're a shit salesman; go and build a farm.

[SoulAccount]

Mummy, you have had a tough day. A wild beast broke in, you've had no water in the taps, this 'Daddy's beer' thing is crap! You need a stiff vodka and tonic , not a cup of tea with your sausages and chips in the cafe.

[Thegiantofillinois]

Gobbling, your mother was a witches cat. Sparks fly from your whiskers. Stop fucking about with the locals and embrace your destiny. It's all a bit walking dead: " found a home, yay!.......Have to leave again. Sad face."

[HulaMelody]

Stevens from Remains of the Day. For gods sake man stop being a toady. Irritated me no end.