Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

[MmeLindor]

Reading this this blog today and thinking that I would have included Donna Moss.

Donna could have done with realising that she was more than just a secretary, or admin assistant. By the end of Season 7, she'd escaped Josh's office and snagged herself a fab job, but wish it hadn't taken so long! Typical scene - in the CJ interview, where she says 'oh, but what do I know', I wanted to give her a good shake.

Who would you include?

Indiana Jones, you are actually meant to meticulously record your archaeological fieldwork, not piss about with a whip.

Made it onto Classics, what an honour!
Cassandra, sweetheart, I understand that no one believes a word you are saying, and that makes you mad, but you really really need Agamemnon to take it on board that Clytemnestra does not have your best interests at heart. This could all end in tragedy if you don't find a way to get through to him.
Weasley twins- your parents have sacrificed a lot to ensure you and your siblings get a good education, so you could at least put your obvious intelligence to work at school, sit your finals, and then go into business.
Joe Gargery- being a blacksmith is hard work and an important skill. Stop putting yourself down, stand up to your EA wife and don't take shit from that pompous brat Pip.
Moreta- a few hours rest will not make a difference to the outcome of the vaccination programme, but could mean the difference between life and death for you. Don't ride someone else dragon when you are both so weary, it's not worth it. Go and have a few hours kip.

Gordon - just because you pull the Express doesn't give you the right to be so pompous to all the other engines.
Norman Price - try to get through one week without causing a crisis. You appear to be the main reason that the Pontypandy fire brigade exists.
Miss Rabbit - you need to get some good union representation, since you appear to do 90% of the work in Peppa Pig world.

Thanks to 2yo DS, these are my main cultural references.

I haven't watched Fireman Sam for a long time (DC bigger now) but I'm glad to hear that Norman Price is still keeping things lively in Pontypandy. :)

Francis Crawford of Lymond - It would take far too long to list all the ways in which you are a self absorbed, self indulgent little shit. Grow up and get over it.

Topsy and Tim- they come across as whiny and spoilt, ditto Cousin Chloe in Peppa Pig.
Indiana Jones though LineRunner could definitely do with a good talking to, I'll happily volunteer

But I love Lymond, though maybe not to live with, just a friend with benefits.

Gwendoline Harleth, you got what you asked for. Daniel Deronda, stop looking down in an existential crisis and do something.

Red Cross Knight , just stop. You have taken about five cantos to go nowhere. Please fade, stop, vamoos and get Spenser to get a nice blue pen and cross out most of it.

Mellors, DTD and leave, find a nice stable job with a normal employer where you can exercise your professional skills. The National Trust is looking for gardeners.

Eek, I adore CCF. Flora is a heroine. Her only failure is to get Adam to use the liddle mop.

Lymond's FWBs mostly seem to come to very nasty ends, Ancient. I think I'd rather go for Richard.

Eva: please don't have children with Franklin.

Just don't.

Thinking about Tess Derbyfield, I actually wanted to slap Tess's parents almost as much as Angel Clare.
They needed an SS intervention even more than the Malfoys.

True, Lottie... But Richard? Hmmmm.

Do we think Rochester was good in bed ?

Doreen... listen up: Esther Greenwood is a bad friend. I have no idea why you continue to be so kind to her. When you sought her out after she'd abandoned you to that predatory DJ who systematically got you pissed and incapable, she shut the door on you and left you outside in a pool of your own vomit, ffs. Stop with the bringing her soup and lending her dresses and the like - she's only interested in gazing at her own navel and thinks mean thoughts about you constantly.

Fadedred In fact, Moreta died on the fardling way back from the last holding. She could have rested so easily!

I think I may have shouted a bit at the book at that point.

Neville Longbottom's parents: constant vigilance! Voldemort may have mysteriously fallen at the Potters' House, but his followers are at large. Leave the country until the Lestranges and Crouch Junior have been arrested.

Your lovely son should not be brought up by your mother if you die.

Augusta Longbottom: if all goes to pot and your grandson is still orphaned, take him to Ollivanders for his own fucking wand before he goes to Hogwarts. Do not give him Frank's.

Anne from the Famous Five: when you know a secret, SHUT UP & don't blab it out to the grown ups at the first conversation with them!
Uncle Quentin: if you have a secret paper that is nationally important & took you 3 years to write, lock it in the frigging safe! If you haven't a safe, buy one!
Aunt Fanny: Quentin's a grumpy, selfish git. LTB.

Catherine from Northanger Abbey: Get.A.Grip.

Ann, from Persuasion: ditto!

I've never read On Chesil Beach & don't plan to, but I can join in the Ian McEwan hate too...Henry from 'Saturday', no one cares about your special fancy fish soup, and you do NOT need a car to go from Fitzroy Square to your squash game somewhere near Gower St, you can walk it in about 10 mins lazy get

Miss Hale in North and South: just tell Mrs Thornton that you were with your brother when she comes round to upbraid you for your behaviour. And then tell the presumptuous woman to fuck off.

And really? Mr Thornton? Are you sure?

By the egg of Farenth, you're right HRH - but delighted Nerilka got her feet under the table. Good for you N - that showed your awful father and his little ladyfriend that there was more to you than your looks!
Oh and HRH Neville isn't an orphan, you know, his parents are in St Mungo's with permanent disabilities. But what you said still holds true.

I have no idea what drugs I'm on. Why did I say orphan?!?!?!?! He isn't.

Good save there!

I'll have what HRH's on ^

Wendy from The Shining was great in the book but terrible and snivelly in the film and someone needed to hand her a grip! Though I read this was because the director deliberately picked on the actress and terrorised her until her hair fell out and she authentically looked scared and as if she'd had a stressful time (good one mate.)

Katy Carr- you can get out of bed without drippy old Cousin Helen who has never done it herself anyway helping you, you've got much more gumption than her.

Brave New World's John the Savage needed to be handed a grip. You fancied Lenina and she was going to hand it all to you on a plate and you turned her down then did all that whipping and consternation in front of everyone only to kill yourself anyway???? There were enough drugs and medical advancements in that society to have prevented a psychotic break.

Well, if we're talking about Richard Crawford - stop jumping to conclusions and automatically thinking the worst of your brother. He does quite often have good reasons for doing the things he does, even if you're too dim to work out not aware of what they are.

And John and Susan Walker - you're teenagers, you're allowed to rebel occasionally. You've got the rest of your lives to be responsible. Go wild now and again. Live a little.

1944girl yes I'm still hurt on behalf of poor Sonya about how she was treated. Always the bridesmaid, etc.

Briony Tallis, just tell the fucking truth!