Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

[MmeLindor]

Reading this this blog today and thinking that I would have included Donna Moss.

Donna could have done with realising that she was more than just a secretary, or admin assistant. By the end of Season 7, she'd escaped Josh's office and snagged herself a fab job, but wish it hadn't taken so long! Typical scene - in the CJ interview, where she says 'oh, but what do I know', I wanted to give her a good shake.

Who would you include?

Kate Archer. Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, go to the bottom of the garden and eat worms.

hygge I was just going to post this!

My namesake - Darrell, you have horrendous anger issues and really need to seek help with them. As annoying as Gwendoline Mary might be, slapping her so hard the slaps 'rang out around the pool' was a bit far. Stop having to be the best at everything, and don't be so po-faced when a new gel doesn't respect Mallory Towers as much as you do.

Tony Hill in the Val McDermid books. Stop mooning over Carol Jordan, pop a little blue pill ffs and go with the flow.

Carol, stay off the vino and follow your heart.

Marian of Knighton in the 2006 TV show. Be aware that hell hath no fury like a black leather -clad evil henchman scorned.

Catherine Earnshaw/Linton- yes, spoilt drama queen.
Jane Eyre, bit of a prude. Shouldve told St John Rivers to sod off, rather than wringing her hands and allowing herself to he guilt tripped.
I did find myself routing a bitfor Gwen in Mallory Towers, she was clearly a wrong un, but Darrell and Sally could be a bit po faced.

FFS, this is the second thread in a week where my marriage choice has been questioned.

Was coming on to say Jo March. ...but many of you got in there first

Brodie Farrell - stop being so bloody selfish and wake up to the fact that the world does not revolve around you. I'm not surprised John dumped you, if you treated him like you treat Daniel.

Jo March's Professor Bhaer: Jo's penny dreadfuls aren't damaging society; far from it, in fact, as they'll be actually promoting literacy, by virtue of being interesting.

Aragorn. Stop mooning over the drippy, whiny, annoying Arwen. Eowyn is amazing and much better for you.

Dr Lydgate in Middlemarch: stop fucking blaming your wife for being a real person rather than the projection you decided she was when you married her just because she's pretty. Don't complain that your wife isn't a proper companion for you when you married her because she was pretty.

Arcite and Palamon in the Knight's tale. FGS Emilie hasn't even met you, she doesn't even know you're alive and you're spending years of your lives feuding about her? Morons.

Bobby in St Clare's: FFS you are the Colin of the class. Practical jokes are a PITA and not funny, just annoying.

Elsa in Frozen. Just tell your sister why you can't touch her, instead of spending years making her feel rejected and desperate for love.

Lorraine and George McFly: really? You really didn't notice that your youngest kid grew up to be the spitting image of the mysterious young man you met in 1955, even though YOU ONLY WENT AND NAMED SAID KID AFTER HIM??

Hercule Poirot: sometimes things just are round, or messy, or natural. DEAL WITH IT

That bloody woman in Chesil Beach. stop being so bloody feeble.

Rinkrash

Hermione Granger: Just - Why Ron?
Dumbledore: Surely you didn't need to spread those memories out over the WHOLE year?
Neville's family: Really? You'd potentially kill him to check he is magical, rather than just wait til he is 11 and see if he gets a letter?

Leovinus: It's a space ship. You can't love a vehicle (I'd be impressed if anyone else got this one).

Random Dent: Don't blame Arthur. It's not his fault your mother was so neglectful. Blame her. Or Zaphod perhaps, for starting it...

There are more, but they've melted from my brain in the heat...

Fat Controller - Ditch the steamers and get some reliable trains. How the heck do you make enough money to keep such an unreliable railway running?
Laura Fairlie - Just follow your heart and stuff what your dead father guilted you into and social convention. You'll save yourself a lot of bother.
Ishmael - seriously, no one cares about the stupid ship, the stupid whale or any of the other over detailed boring crap you go on about. Go and have some actual fun and don't expect anyone to read about it.

Peter fucking rabbit.snidy little spoilt brat. I'm with Mr Macgregor.
The mother in Cat in the Hat. Ffs, you needed to go shopping that badly? There's a fucking psycho 6ft tall cat going to "Play" with your dc. Then he fucking comes back! (When you are forcing your kids to shovel a ridiculous amount of snow) Childline!!!

Yy to Angel Clare.

Also Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars I. Look, just take the kid's mother with you too, it's the decent thing to do and it'll save a lot of bother in the future.

at Cigars' rant about Ishmael. Quite right. Have you seen the digested digested read: "Man finds whale, man loses whale, whale finds man, the end".

Lady Marchmain. What a vile, vicious snob. Some snobs can be funny and charming because they know they are snobs but she has no self -awareness. There is a spectacularly nasty bit about how her brothers died in WW1 for the benefit of common people. And the prize remark about how she envies the poor because it's so much easier for them to find God's grace. Well give it away and join them.

Her children were bloody annoying too. Imagine having to spend any time in real life with any of them. And Charles Ryder is a besotted idiot.

Anna Karenina - basically the Russian Emma Bovary.

Lady Macbeth - perhaps focus on some self improvement rather than nagging your poor dh to provide more.

how about learning to drive?
Or counselling?

Oh My Godaskbasil those two idiots from The Knights Tale and the moronic king from A Winters Tale virtually made my A Level English lessons a hotbed of rage and frustration, only tempered by my contempt for Thomas Hardy and his horrible poems about his first wife ( until she died)

Tyrion Lannister, your Dad clearly despised you and your sister is shagging your brother, stop drinking and shagging and leave whilst you can...

JeanneDeMontbaston and Mardy am glad I am not alone with my Grandpa Joe campaign. That script is genius.

Edmund, there's no such thing as a box of Turkish Delight with no strings attached.

Fitz (Robin Hobb 'Assassins' series) - if there is a wrong decision to be made or an erroneous conclusion to be jumped to, he's your man. Most frustratingly own-worst-enemy protagonist ever.

The Giving Tree: it would be much better if you were to accidentally drop a branch early in the book and at least seriously injure the little boy so he stops coming to steal bits of you thereafter.

Merlin, King Arthur, Lancelot, etc: a bit more calm discussion and a bit less rushing about rashly without any planning or falling into obvious enchantress's traps (see turkish delight, above) would be much more sensible.