Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

[MmeLindor]

Reading this this blog today and thinking that I would have included Donna Moss.

Donna could have done with realising that she was more than just a secretary, or admin assistant. By the end of Season 7, she'd escaped Josh's office and snagged herself a fab job, but wish it hadn't taken so long! Typical scene - in the CJ interview, where she says 'oh, but what do I know', I wanted to give her a good shake.

Who would you include?

[HulaMelody]

Stevens from Remains of the Day. For gods sake man stop being a toady. Irritated me no end.

[Thegiantofillinois]

Gobbling, your mother was a witches cat. Sparks fly from your whiskers. Stop fucking about with the locals and embrace your destiny. It's all a bit walking dead: " found a home, yay!.......Have to leave again. Sad face."

[SoulAccount]

Mummy, you have had a tough day. A wild beast broke in, you've had no water in the taps, this 'Daddy's beer' thing is crap! You need a stiff vodka and tonic , not a cup of tea with your sausages and chips in the cafe.

[Thegiantofillinois]

I used to think Jo March married a much, much older man. I married a man 10 years older than me, who now sports a beard. I think I was unduly influenced.

Lennie: he's behind you.


Willy: you're a shit salesman; go and build a farm.

[SoulAccount]

Susan, this is your adventure too! Leadership is one thing, stepping into an adult construct and re-inventing yourself as Mother is simply not required. You are older, experienced and wise. Use your power for good, capturing the Amazon. You won't catch Nany Blackett peeling potatoes and worrying about whether everyone has dry socks!

[annandale]

Flora Poste: you're in the future, stop wasting water with seven baths a week and have a shower.

Tess Durbeyfield: be honest, you preferred farm labour on the farm with the machines, didn't you? You may have been less in tune with nature, but oddly, you were substantially less knackered.

Abigail Parris - did you miss the commandment about not bearing false witness?

[annandale]

Oh, I'll talk to Ginty Marlow and Patrick Merrick [rubs hands]

Ginty, just because Patrick is the only man you're not related to that you have ever met, FGS get shot of that crush. He's a priggish creep who will insist on a full conversion and you having 15 children, all of which will have to go to private school according to him, so you will be too broke to do anything but grub turnips like your mother, only worse. You are actually pretty hot; go and get a job in Carnaby Street and have a good time.

Patrick Merrick - you steaming hypocrite - it's not OK to snog the au pair and think it doesn't count because she's a servant. Just promise me you will never become a priest as you are fantastically screwed up. And obviously don't marry Ginty as you have precisely nothing in common, and leave Nicola alone as she is worth ten of you. Go and see a bit of life and if you have to, join Opus Dei aged about 60, except you might have found a more humane path by then.

[Lara2]

Fanny Price - stop with the social intercourse and getting knocked up!

Lucie Manette - you are a spoilt precious little brat and probably need a good slap!

[HolisticAssassin]

Clara Hutt India Knight Stop mentioning the Connaught for the love of God. Do you get a discount per mention per book
Donna from Pulling Let Karl move on, ya selfish cah

I assume I am the only illiterate one who sees the fictional Holden Caulfield and gets mixed up with actor Maxwell Caulfield (from such greats as Grease 2, the Colbys and Empire records)

[madein1995]

Jack Taylor. For goodness sake, pull yourself together and don't act all broody and do things purely to piss off your ex boss. Be nice to those that like you.

Janice from Benidorm. Stop indulging your mother, dump your stupid man child of a husband and do what makes you happy.

Bridget Jones - you don't need a man for goodness sake so stop wallowing in 10 tonne of ice cream. And stop moaning you're fat. And give your creepy old uncle a good slap around the chops.

Cathy in Wuthering Heights. Stop letting your heart rule everything you do, and stop putting up with Heathcliff and the other one's shit.

Rory Gilmore. Oh where do I begin? You're not the centre of the universe, you're not all that, you're certainly not an angel and despite being obviously intellectually endowed you are not that clever. You have done nothing really constructive to get out of your current unemployment prediciment - instead, you are virtually homeless and 'working' unpaid on a newspaper while aiming for ridiculously high powered jobs. Even a job in Doose's Stores would be better! As for selling your mums story and then throwing a childlike strop, when she protested, well!

Lorelai Gilmore. You're not 'quirky' you are annoying. You change your mind over silly things, do ridiculous things and speak to your mum like dirt. You didn't have the perfect childhood, no one did. Your parents only crime was trying to care for you which while stifling was NOT cause to take your small child and live in a shed (Social Services anyone) and then for years using it as an excuse for how much you loved your kid, that you would do that. No, love would have been swallowing your pride and staying in bloody Hartford!

Stacey West/Shipman. You're spoilt, and like an overgrown toddler in many respects. As for trying to get pregnant without telling your husband, I think you need to take a good look in the mirror.

Edina from Ab Fab. Absolutely crap, neglectful and abusive mother who acts more teenager like than her own daughter, and who needs to bloody check herself. Stop hanging round with the twattish blonde one, deal with your problems and if you can't do that give Saffy to your own mum so the poor kid has some chance of a life!

Reg in Rock and Chips. Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there, fuck off some more.

Tracey Beaker. Yes you've had a hard life, but try not to be such a brat to Cam.

Cam in Tracey Beaker. FFS woman, put some boundaries and consequences in place not just smile and say Oh Tracey. And STOP sending her back to the dumping ground when you're pissed off/had enough. She's been abandoned once by her mother, the last thing she needs is you doing the same thing, especially as that's NOT what most parents would do. You're using the care system as a punishment. Instead of acting so cruelly and ineffectually and being scared of a child, I suggest you put some real rules and consequences in place and stick to them. She will respond!

[AstrantiaMajor]

Mr Bennet you have FIVE daughters not TWO.
Stop constantly criticising the other 3 or you will find yourself on the toxic parent thread.

[Mrsemcgregor]

Gandalf, if you can command eagles why didn't you use them to fly Frodo and Sam to mount fucking doom to throw the ring in? Seriously what is wrong with you?

[Giggorata]

Tom Bombadil - no one wants to hear interminable rhyming and referring to yourself in the third person. Just. Shut. Up.
Hawkeye Pierce - stop being such a tart. Good grief.
Prospero, you're an elitist con artist - give Caliban back his island.
Penelope, you're not telling me it takes 10 years to sail back to Ithaca - and he's been shagging everything that moves on the way - ltb.

[EssentialHummus]

Vladimir and Estragon - he's not showing up. The rope's thataway -->

[QueenofQuirkiness]

Old thread but couldn't resist making some additions:

Veronica Sawyer from Heathers - your boyfriend is a murderer! Why didn't you go to the police immediately after the first murder, very likely you wouldn't have been charged and then you could have avoided all the problems that stemmed from it. Disrespectful to her parents, and faking your own suicide then joking about it in front of your mother is pretty horrible.

Grandpa Joe - the original benefits cheat!

Lots of the Harry Potter characters were problematic, especially Snape (creepy got) and Dumbledore (being unnecessarily mysterious and putting teenagers in life threatening situations?!)

[MaryConstanceMaynard]

I love this thread!

Len Maynard: just say "No" a few times, see how you like it. Of course, it won't work with darling Mamma, but Jack Lambert might back off a bit.

Hero Wantage: just because the tearaway you've had a crush on for years proposes to you doesn't actually mean he loves you. Especially when he tells you he's just proposed to someone else and she turned him down and now he's in a bad mood.

Elinor Dashwood: is there any chance at all that you might give up on Edward (you're dating beneath you there) and make a play for Colonel Brandon? Your sister will get over it - after all, she got over Willoughby, and look at how fixated she was on him.

[gabsdot45]

Ha! Re: Casualty. Don't know about you but I'm not sure I could fully trust the medical services of a hospital whose entire staff were unable to maintain a functional long term relationship.

Ditto Grey's Anatomy

[headinhands]

Ha! Re: Casualty. Don't know about you but I'm not sure I could fully trust the medical services of a hospital whose entire staff were unable to maintain a functional long term relationship.

[ancientbuchanan]

Holidays and homes.
Insisted on going to visit North Berwick as a result of reading a novel, by a 1930s to 50s writer called DE Stevenson, same family as RLS and the engineers. She also highlighted a lesser known area of a big city for me, which I discovered was pleasant and massively undervalued which is where I bought.

[ancientbuchanan]

Glad you liked it, Lass. It's a bit like Beckett. Drives me bonkers.

Godot is not coming. Watch my lips. Not now, not ever.

[KleineDracheKokosnuss]

Emma from SilverMoon Light. He's got to go back and rule his people in a year, and he's already told you that he'll be marrying someone else. Break it off love.

[LassUnparalleled]

Those three sisters. There are three of you, FGS. You won't get raped or lost. Most coaches will get you to Moscow. Book the tickets and JDI. Now.

And while you're at it, pass the word on: apples are a much hardier and more commercially successful crop than cherries

Brilliant. I will never sit through another Chekhov production.

[Tuskerfull]

Ana Steele - Let me introduce you to Women's Aid.

Ayla from Earth's Children - Jondalar is a cunt. Tell him to fuck off, and stay with your new family.

Aliena from Pillars of the Earth - You owe your brother NOTHING. Stop putting his needs before yours and bloody marry Jack.

Tom Builder from POTE - While we're at it, your son is as much of a cunt as Richard. Stop indulging him.

Tom Hanks - Don't do it, Wilson stood beside you through thick and thin

Mrs De Winter - She is your employee, FUCKING SACK HER!

[LurcioAgain]

The entire cast of Casualty: I know they didn't teach human reproduction at your medical school, but seriously, google contraception - and then use it. (NB may be out of date on plot lines here, but last time I watched every other plot twist seemed to involve characters having a torrid affair then the woman getting pregnant).

[gabsdot45]

Alicia Florrick: dump your loser DH, shag Will for a while then focus on work and avoid politics and drug dealers.

Sadly Will died. She missed her chance there