If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

[orangeisthenewlemon]

I had a toxic mum - 'you are an ugly whore, I hate you, I wish you weren't born, you were a mistake'. blah foxing blah.

I now have wonderful DD aged 5 and DS aged 2.6. DS is happy but DD needs a lot of love.

Please tell me about your loving mums, what do they do to make you feel LOVED. Truly loved? I give my DC attention, listen to them, cuddle them, smile, play. What else made you know you were special?

Id love to hear your perspective.

My mum and dad both loved me, and I came first, I never was exposed to the worry when times were hard, I always had enough to eat, And always had attention stories, games, walks etc.my mum had a difficult child hood and looking back I think she found it hard to be anormal mum as she was way over protective and seemed to have to demonstrate that she was a good mum.(I could have done with it that as it was suffocating) but I'm happy and well adjusted and so are my kids, as much as any one can be.
So basically don't worry if you treat your kids with care and humanity you'll muddle through

The moments I remember are the times I realised that she would be on my side no matter what. Also she was always willing to listen to me, even if what I was saying was a bit foolish, without making me feel like she was bored or had better things to do.

She was just always 'there' for me. She was never the lovey, cuddly type of mum, but I always knew she loved me. She taught me right from wrong, to love myself, and how to love others. She taught me, by example, how to be a mother and a wife. How to be my own woman. Sometimes she frustrated me, but I always knew, even when I disagreed with her, that what she was saying or doing, she was doing out of love and the belief that she was helping me. I was and am so lucky to have her.

Even now, in the midst of her dementia, she still tries to be there for me. She'll remind me to put on a jacket, even if it isn't cold outside. She'll ask me if I am taking vitamins (I always say 'yes' or she'll scold me). She'll tell me what a good cook I am, even if what I've brought her is store-bought. She reminds me to say my prayers and to be thankful for my lovely DH and my wonderful sons. She tells me that the day she and my dad got me (I'm adopted) and my brother (also adopted) were the two best days of their lives and that she thanks God every day that He brought us to her. Sometimes I think she isn't always sure exactly who I am, but the light in her eyes shows me that she always knows that I belong to her. I am truly blessed.

Just be there orange. That's all you need to do, really be there. And listen to your heart.

One of my first memories is being cuddled by my mother. Even my dd, looking at old photographs sees the love my mother had for us.

You sound like you're doing an amazing job.

In a way, I think a well-loved childhood is really only something you can truly appreciate and be grateful for in adulthood.

I assumed everyone had a childhood like mine, but it's only now as a grown-up that I realise, actually, I (and my brother) am/are probably in the minority.

Being well-loved as a child is not even realizing the extent to which the world is a bad place, and that awful things happen to children, and humans in general. It's about having this rock underneath you that you don't even realise is there, but which is unshiftable. It's a blind faith that everything's going to be OK.

Looking back I think it was simply knowing, without actually being aware that I knew, that my Mum and Dad had us as their absolute priority.

As others say, it's just being there for them, being kind to them, and basically just lots of cuddles.

Acrossthepond that is such a beautiful post and has brought a little tear to my eye.
It's not always easy to quantify love but you have done it so eloquently.
Relationships are not always straight forward and as humans we fail frequently so sometimes we need to look into the heart of others and just 'know' that they love us as we can't all be touchy freely or demonstrative in our actions.

She told me that she loved me all the time, even if we argued or she was cross with me (she was quite strict). She still says it regularly now. I had loads of hugs and kisses, I think physical affection is important and she has often told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her (despite my father leaving her when she was pregnant and her having to raise me single handedly).

She would tell me positive things about myself, particularly if I was down and although I had to spend a lot of time with childminders as she worked full time, I always felt like her priority.

My mum can difficult and she hasn't always been nice to me when going through rough patches in her own life but I did and do feel loved by her by the her interest in me and my achievements, her love for my children, the pleasure in her voice when I call. We don't always get on but I have never doubted she loves me. All you need to do is feel the way you already do about you kids and they will recognise it in the little nuance of your relationship with them.

She was physically affectionate - still is - and never left me in doubt about her love. She told me she loved me and more importantly, she acted like it. Encouraged me, supported me, was proud of me, let me make mistakes and helped me deal with the fallout.

I don't think an outsider would notice anything extraordinary about it, and I think being a great parent isn't necessarily showy. Good parenting is subtle and kind and supportive and warm. I bet you have all the elements there even if you don't see them.

I'm sorry for your own experience with your mother.

My mum , I think, was like yours op. I never felt loved; as an adult I don't either. I'm sure she does love me but .. ...

I adore dd. I tell her all the time. We have a joke now where I say to her that I want to tell her a secret and she now laughs and says if it's that I love her, it isn't a secret. She used to just say ' what secret ' and then I'd tell her I love her. I'm affectionate with her. I listen to all her waffle. I'm sure I read something that said you can't expect them to tell you the big stuff if you can't be bothered or Constantly tell them the small stuff isn't worth listening to. I enjoy her company, doing things together. I ask her opinion. I praise her and celebrate the things that others might not notice, I listen and try and help with her problems or worries. I let her be who she is. Not who I want her to be.

My mum wasn't nice to me.
I am not a natural mother. And found it hard work when they were small.

But my dcs are now teens and we have a great relationship. I am firm but fair, open with them...they know nothing they can tell me will shock me. I welcome their friends .
I genuinely enjoy their company.
But I give them lots of independence ..dd will be off to uni in September and I can't wait for her to go in the nicest way. I want them to go off and have fun.

I divorced recently ( yesterday) and once ds goes to uni, plan to move away and do what I want to do.

I think it's about acceptance: accepting and loving your child as they are, not expecting them to be 'better'.

I didn't realise this as a child, but worked it out as a parent. The times I felt most loved were the times I felt least criticised or judged.

I don't think parents realise that they're doing it. After all, loving parents want the best for their dc.

It's like, the first thing your dc should see when they come within sight of you, is your eyes lighting up with pleasure. Only after they understand that you are happy just to be with them, should you even begin to consider tucking their shirt in or asking about homework.

Sometimes my parents absolutely got it. Other times they were caught up in the stress of their lives (and the hangover of their tough childhoods), and it spilled over on to us.

But, because of the times they got it, totally got it, I knew and know that I am loved.

'It's like, the first thing your dc should see when they come within sight of you, is your eyes lighting up with pleasure.'

This. I always had this. I'm not sure I'm brilliant at it with ds . My mother wasn't verbal about loving me but she was quite tactile - most of all, if I wanted to lean on her or talk to her, she always had space for me.

What a hard question to answer. She was just kind, she always had a hug ready for me, she was always there and I could always talk to her. She was an old fashioned mum, I suppose frumpy and devoted to the family, she didn't go out much or have many friends so she was all mine, which I liked because I needed her (my dad was horrid)

She taught me to bake, she was my biggest fan when it came to my talent, she let me try things even if she knew it was a mistake (most of the time anyway) she forgave me when I messed up, she protected me against him, she would do anything for me.

When I was an embarrassing goth as a teen she would be seen with me. She let me do that stuff, didn't moan about what I wore or the Marilyn Manson I played really loud, or when I wrote words on my ceiling. She didn't take the piss when I told her that I was different and when I was older I wanted to run a vampire nightclub for people who might be vampires (cringe!) and it wasn't a phase and she couldn't talk me out of it.

She was just kind and soft and fiercely protective.

I think different people show their love in different ways so just find what works for you. Looking back, my grandad danced with me and would spend hours playing dress up or listening to music and telling stories, my nan wrote me special bedtime stories about a little girl who went on different adventures, my grandma was/is a bit more tough love but she used to buy special chocolate ice creams she knew I liked and had a special mug for me to use when i visited, my other grandad had dementia but used to collect up stamps and send them through to me, my dad took lots of photographs and videos and wanted to encourage me to learn about the world so introduced me to home made science experiments, helped me research school projects and would take us to museums or historical sites. My mum would always read at bedtime and sing songs to us and all we didn't have much money, tried to make life fun and exciting - long walks, different playgrounds, picnics in the garden, themed teas for special days like Halloween, Valentine's, easter, christmas, pancake day. She encouraged us to celebrate and enjoy life.

As I grew older, both mum and dad encouraged my independence - giving me control of my money, encouraging me to save and budget (I was responsible for buying my own clothes from 13), letting me go out with friends, insisting on buying me a phone so I could easily keep in touch and let them know where I was, fighting for dental treatment they knew I needed, helping me find a Saturday job, continuing to support my studies and encourage revision, but also encouraging me to go out and have fun.

It is difficult to quantify love, and I think if someone loves you it just shines through. I think they focus on you and your interests, make you feel special and encourage / celebrate your achievements and development. I included the tangible things above as these are some of the special things I look back and remember, but these only really mean something to me.

You sound like a very loving mum, and I am sure your DC will have similar memories with you.

Ps. They were tough too - I was a stubborn child and we had a lot of difficult life experiences, life could be very sad and difficult. Both my parents had fiery tempers and I pushed them to the limit. They would shout, send me to my room and smack me. They carried through threats and we're always consistent and clear about consequences of any naughtiness. But they always told me they loved me, never went to sleep on an argument and would let things move on / return to normal quickly once I had apologised or calmed down. (Hope this gives a fair balanced view, and doesn't sound too rose tinted!)

My Mum is a great Mum - even though I never remember her telling me she loved me! - I know she does.

I too was an embarrassing goth, and she never mentioned my hideous dress sense - she even bought me some skull buckled winkle pickers from carnaby st for my 17th birthday without a murmour. (and she doesn't bring it up ever)

She always has time for me, will always listen to me and never interferes with my parenting methods (she always says that no one interfered with her bringing us up so she justs lets us get on with it) She is very defensive of her Grandsons!

I know I can rely on her. If I need anything (or more importantly the DS's) she'll lend us money for it. When we were very cash strapped she paid half of the playgroup fees, bought a lot of clothes for the boys (and me!) and as they got older paid us half of their extra curricular activities. She's always offered and we've never had to ask - she just knows when we needed things!

Just be there and don't judge (out loud at least!)

Op I Know where you are coming from. My mum was incapable of love and she walked away when I was 3, so I didn't live with her. I saw her weekly but was afraid of her, I never felt loved.

I found it so difficult when I had my own 2dds. I remember thinking they couldn't possibly love me, because I never loved my own mum, I thought all children felt the same.
My DH helped a lot, let me talk, reassured me that I was a wonderful mum, mil and friends have been reassuring too.

You are already doing all the right things-unfortunaltely it's a long haul thing. You have to just keep going, loving them everyday and "being there".

Mine are now 24 and 21 and I feel so proud of the relationship we have. I know they love me, they choose to tell me all the time and they choose to spend time with me and DH, (despite living away at uni). Just keep doing what you are doing. And believe your dc love you more than anything.

My mum wasn't really demonstrative with love. But one thing I remember very clearly was that she would never let me go to sleep on an argument. If we'd had a row she would always make sure she came to me and we made up before bed. It gave me a lot of security to know she would always do that.

You don't have to be a perfect parent. You don't even have to be a good one. You just have to be good enough. Good enough to realise that perfectionism spoils things. That you'll only ever get it right some of the time. Bit at along as you recognise the times you go wrong, and accept and make up for them, your dc will have a parent who reflects reality, who is human, who presents an airable and attainable model, and who they know will make the effort for them.

Airable = admirable

My adoptive mother loved me.

What others say - she was there. Always willing to listen. Always protective, always caring. Kind, very kind. She made lovely food and she was ... the word that comes to mind is 'gracious'. Not an easy quality to describe but it seems the right one. I didn't realise at the time but she provided stability and love in bucketloads and kindness.

She could be strict but that's no bad thing - she was consistent with it. She had a hot temper! but she was forgiving and half an hour after shouting at each other I would be nestled on her lap. She could nag, I think that was the worst. But oh god, she loved me and I loved her.

I missed her bitterly, to the core, after she died. So so much and I still do. The love she gave me has carried me through though and I hope her love can pass on through me to my sons, to the best of my physically-limited ability.

I love her.

---

I also love my MIL who is golden hearted, endlessly giving, caring, accepting, interested. Not perfect, but a truly lovely woman. A super grandmother too.

I don't remember either of my parents being physically affectionate with me but I knew I was loved. I was a much wanted child and their only child.

They were always there for me, a bit too much sometimes but they were only protecting me.
I like chickens post. They were my rock before I knew I had one .
All my family were lovely. Aunts uncle's grandma.p.

I had a good childhood

Some lovely stories here. Everyone should save and email themselves or print out what they've written about their mums.

I know my parents love me, and I knew it as a child, but it IS hard to put a finger on how I knew. Lots of hugs and cuddles but I can't imagine saying 'I love you' to my mum or dad - I'd end a phone call or an email saying 'lots of love', but 'I love you' is a bit strong for our family.

But as an adult what I appreciate is how my parents had to fight against their own backgrounds and instincts when raising us. They were both raised in very academic families, with high expectations placed on them, and at least one parent was pushed into a career they didn't want to do.

Then with my sibling and me, they tried to give us more of a free rein about our futures, but I did still feel a certain amount of pressure to 'do well'. My older sibling was definitely pushed to do well at school more than I was and didn't like the pressure (although ironically has ended up being an academic). They backed off a bit with me, and I can't help thinking they are disappointed I didn't have a more fulfilling career, but they can see I'm happy and I know they're trying not to judge me the way their parents did to them.

Acrossthepond, your post also made me shed a little tear. Some really lovely stories here.

I'm not a mum yet, but I am desperate to be. If I can be half the mother mine is I'll be happy. She would do anything for us. She is fun, caring, clever, energetic, thoughtful, affectionate and just brilliant.

Her and my dad are the loves of my life (sorry DH :) ) I'll always be thankful I was lucky enough to get her as mum.

I'm sorry you didn't get that from your mum OP but you sound like you're a great mum.