If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

[orangeisthenewlemon]

I had a toxic mum - 'you are an ugly whore, I hate you, I wish you weren't born, you were a mistake'. blah foxing blah.

I now have wonderful DD aged 5 and DS aged 2.6. DS is happy but DD needs a lot of love.

Please tell me about your loving mums, what do they do to make you feel LOVED. Truly loved? I give my DC attention, listen to them, cuddle them, smile, play. What else made you know you were special?

Id love to hear your perspective.

What lovely lovely posts!

Particularly touching for me acrossthepond and annarose

acrossthepond although you're writing about your mothers love for you, I can feel your love for your mother palpably through the words.

annarose I comfort ds by saying 'was that a shock, poor love, you had a shock' but never thought of its socially protective meaning too - I'm going to adjust mine so it has that too, perfect!

I wonder if your mothers know what moments are written into your hearts?

Like others on here, I did not have that childhood, not quite, but yearn to hear about it, understand and join that type of motherhood - it's a beautiful thread, certainly not a slap in the face as someone thought it might be.

Beauty of life, these moments and memories :)

Oh, gosh, thank you to those who mentioned my post! I do love her dearly and treasure every day we have with her. She's 92 so we know how precious her days are.

I've noticed so many posts where, like mine, mums weren't the huggy, kissy type yet we knew we were loved. I think that was more common back when I was young. I think mums today (including me) are more physically affectionate than our mums were. But we don't love our children one jot more or less than we were loved. It's the foundation they gave us, I think, that let us know we were loved. Our little worlds were secure, nothing could touch us because mum (and dad) was there.

Those of you who feel your mums weren't all they should have been, I'm so sorry. Nothing can really make it up to you, but it's good to know that it doesn't have to define you.

When I think of our mums, those of us who were lucky, I think of the words in the Bible (paraphrased):

"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."

This is wonderful.

I often worry that I've not done a very good job of parenting. Mine are approaching adulthood and I often wish I could do it over again with the benefit of hindsight and more experience.

I hope they'll know they were fiercely loved and that I have done the very best I could.

Holger I think many of us parents feel the same as you do. We can only do our best, although that rarely seems enough most of the time. As humans we fail, we make mistakes but hopefully our children will grow into balanced enough adults to remember the good parts of growing up and strong enough to improve on our flaws, if or when, they become adults themselves.

I meant to say ..when they become parents not adults
So annoying when I hit the send key too early

My mum was very loving in all the ways above but I did really like that she never compared me to my sister academically. I always felt like I was loveable as i was. She also never criticised me and backed me on everything.

My mum was lovely but used to berate me for my lack of self confidence without actually helping me to gain any! With my DD I encourage her to enjoy clothes and feel good about her body (mum never even told me about periods). I encourage her to compete in a sport that gives her a lot of pleasure but - and I wish someone had done this for me- I teach her how to deal with stress and worry. I am fortunate in that she actually listens and follows my advice

I am also narky, lazy, can't be arsed baking, I do her homework for her if I can't be bothered explaining it to her. In other words, I'm a mummy not a saint.

My parents have never told me they loved me, and weren't physically affectionate, however with hindsight I just knew.

My mum put us first, all the time, was firm, fair, consistent, kind, supportive, compassionate, encouraging. Strict but of course with hindsight you realise it was for own good. Allowed us to make our own mistakes - gave us the freedom to make those mistakes. Encouraged us to spread our wings.

Taught us to run a house and expected us to share the chores from a pretty young age. At the time it seemed really unfair!

I think by encouraging us to go out into the world she was implicitly telling us she had confidence in our ability to succeed. At times she seemed a bit heartless actually, pushing us out of the door!

Other things - always made us cakes for our birthdays, sewed and knitted for us and our dolls, baked with us, read to us every day, worked hard to give us the best even when they hardly had any money (by going without themselves). Just gave us a really really solid consistant base. As adults we realise how lucky we were.

My mum and dad told me and my siblings that they loved us every day, we always had a bedtime kiss and hug, while being tucked up in bed they always said said 'night night, love you'. It's one of my earliest memories.
I suppose I felt loved because they always showed an interest in what I was doing, who my friends were and how I was getting on at school. My mum talked to me, listened to me moan and groan and occasionally put up with some awful teenage behaviour.

I just hope my two girls would say the same about me.

op.
My mum is an academic and had a ft job when i grew up. She wasn't very 'maternal' in the stereotypical sense, so she wasn't terribly cuddly, wasn't a dedicated cook etc. but I always have felt completely and utterly loved by her.

What she did / does is to accept me 100%. She has never ever put me down and has been rather accepting of all the quirky things I got up to as a teenager. However she didn't pretend to be my best mate, she was very much 'mother' but calm and accepting. And she listened always properly. Although she wasn't around as much as a sahm would have been, when she was with me, she paid proper attention, didn't belittle me or anything. I went through a period of having very low self esteem as I had terrible acne as a teenager and she was just by my slide, not making a drama out of it, telling me I was pretty and that it would pass. I don't know, I think the main things were total acceptance without ever wanting to 'correct' me, telling me I could achieve anything if I put my mind to it and worked hard (I wasn't very good /lazy in school but excelled at uni) and listening to me properly without imposing her own emotions, making a big thing out of things.

Come to think of it I think she was a better mother than I could ever be.....

My experience was generally good but a bit mixed.

My Mum is very loving and affectionate but we are very different. She always wanted me to be more outgoing which I will never be. She also tried to push me to do things I just didn't want to do. To a certain extent, i never felt I was good enough. I've carried doubt about myself all through my adult life. Both my Mum and Dad teased me a bit which i've now realised is a form of bullying...

I would say give them lots of love and affection. Tell them they are enough and support them in what they want to do. If they are quiet and introverted, encourage them but let them be who they are. To be the best you, you need to play to your strengths. It has taken me decades to learn this.

I'm blessed with amazing parents. They've done al the things you said you do OP + they always put me & my sister's needs above theirs, spent all their spare money on our educations & saving up for us to have deposits for homes. I think you'll be fine to be honest & sorry that your mum was so awful.

I would just love the Mum's of the wonderful posts on here could read what their DD's have said about them. If it's OK to do so, show your Mum what you have written about her.

fuzzy felt said this - I ask myself in many situations 'what would DM do' and then do the opposite. Sad, but true for me too. Deep down my Mum probably loved me but I really didn't know this. She didn't say it or show it, and I never felt good enough. Whatever she did in the way of parenting, I did different.

When I was growing up and grown up, the last people I would tell about any problem I had would be my parents. My DC's (now independent adults... just) - the first person they would tell about a problem they have is me. I know that without fail. For me, that sums it up.

When I was young I ached to be hugged and shown security and that I mattered and was loved. It certainly wasn't a bad or abusive childhood. It was just cold and emotionless and I spent night after night crying myself to sleep over all sorts of things... I was a sensitive child. I hid that but believe me, a child of mine wouldn't go one night crying themselves to sleep without me knowing about it. I am tuned into them, and their emotions and always have been.

Acrossthepond your post is so touching, it is wonderful and it gives me mixed feelings. I grieve for what I didn't have but on the either hand, I am beyond proud of what I've achieved with my DCs and I would hope to have just 10% of the love you show for your Mum.

Everyone out there, please tell your Mums how wonderful they are. Now my DCs are grown up, I do occasionally angst and doubt myself whether I've done a good enough job as a Mother. I try very very hard because I don't want my DCs to have the insecurities I had at their age from a lack of mothering. I think all is OK as they are wonderful, feisty, clever individuals who love coming home, and we talk almost daily but it's great to be told you've done a good job.

I can't remember my Mum hugging me, kissing me, saying I love you and I didn't have bedtime stories, and she was an indifferent cook! However, I always felt absolutely secure, accepted, respected, important, even admired.

I don't know how she did that. I think its more in the small things - always a smile in the morning, or at pick up time, lots of eye-contact, lots of talking me up. And in the things she didn't do: she didn't be-little me, humiliate me, or interrogate me, push me into directions I didn't want to go, or rely emotionally on me.

I know she took a lot of pride in everything I did. I knew I wasn't her world - this was the 70's! - but I had no doubt that I was a valuable person entitled to my own life, my own (often daft) opinions, and that I was loved.

My mum and dad are so loving, but its hard to describe. I think its just the fact that i know they would do anything for me.
They got the right balance between letting me be independent and making my own mistakes, but also guiding me in the right direction.

Things that stick in my mind -
Always saying 'night, love you' even when we had fallen out when i was a gobshite teenager

Being tactile, even now my parents will hug me/touch my arm/put an arm round me etc

Telling me i was beautiful/clever/that the world was my oyster. Making me believe i could do anything.

Still calling me and my brother (28 & 35) by our childhood nicknames. I will always be 'floss' or 'baby girl' and my db will always be 'sunshine'

Overall i just felt safe. My dad is the loveliest bloke ever, but hes built like a brick shithouse, and i know he would protect me, and my brother, from anyone and anything. They were, and will always be, my safety net. I know that i could ring them right now and they would come over/help me/put money in my bank/fix my car absolutely anything. But they also taught me to be a strong independent person and try to go it alone first. The motto in my family is "if at first you dont succeed, ring dad and he will sort it" :)

Im very lucky to have them both, and i dont tell them that often enough.

Time, acceptance of who i am (even though very different to her), freedom, non-judgemental.

Also, a point i have just realised from reading these posts. They never ever held a grudge. We have had some epic rows over the years, but when its done, its done. I know some other people got the silent treatment etc but we never did. We could scream and shout (mainly when i was an older teen) then when its done its over. A line was drawn, then we moved on.
I was never made to frel uncomfortable in my own home, there wasnt an atmosphere or anything. Yes we were put in our place sometimes but it was never personal.

I remember one time, as a teenager, I'd had my heart broken by a callous exchange student. (From Sweden- gorgeous and funny but utterly cold hearted.) I just lay in bed and cried.

My mom came up and sat by me and said "it's awful, isn't it?" It was one of the few times in my life (before becoming a mother myself) that I really felt understood by her.

And she said "I was driving to town this morning and saw him riding his bike...I wanted to bump him off the road." :)

It was a very small thing, but we didn't get along well and having the feeling that she got how hurt I was really made an impression on me.

I am always amazed at how much DD1 leads the way sometimes. She is such a loving, tactile naturally parent loving child, she astonishes me. In so many ways she has taught me how to love her and her sister

Becool this brought a tear to my eye. Children naturally trust and expect to be loved. How wonderful that she has made you the mother you are.

And hats off to all you ladies who didn't have the love you should have had as children but want to do things differently for your DCs. It sort of feels easy for me - as if I'm cheating - because I was loved and I'm confident I am a loving parent. I might be deluded but I feel pretty sure I'm doing it right! The bit you are missing is not the ability to be a loving mother but the confidence that you are a loving mother. to all the caring, thoughtful women on here trying to make a good life for their DCs.

The very best way to get over having a toxic mum is to be as kind and loving as possible to your own kids. When I wasn't sure how i ought to behave - because what my mother had done was so crap - I'd think; What would an instinctive animal mother do? So, for instance, I was very protective to my kids when they were tiny and as a result they've grown up confident and brave.

That's a great motto, WhatWouldBlairWaldorfDo

Your post made me a bit teary, my dad said to me just recently "If you ever need some moral support just ring up and I'll be on a train the same day." Meant such a lot to me as he's very busy and has a lot of responsibilities, so to actually hear that he would put everything on hold - not for an emergency, but just if I was feeling down or overwhelmed - made me feel so loved.

She encouraged interests, and spent one on one time with us.

My mum, both parents actually, Is so lovely for me and DB and I appreciate it every day of my life. Wierdly enough she has never been an overly physically affectionate person, but I just know she loves me IFYSWM.

We always did stuff together as a family. She was always there for me and in fact still is even now I'm in my forties! She never belittled me. I felt safe very day of my life as a child, we weren't swimming in money but always had a house, food, warmth, education, love and laughs. Mum was the main breadwinner and worked very hard as a teacher but never bought the stress home, she always protected us from bad things as much as she could.

She was and is a fabulously positive person even now, involved in tons of stuff in her community. She has provided me with a fab role model to parent my DD and is a very involved grandmother, such a lovely influence for her too.

I second that you sound like you are doing a fab job, the very fact that you are conscious that you should not parent like you were parented means a lot IMO.

orangeisthenewlemon - your thread is in classics :)