If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

[orangeisthenewlemon]

I had a toxic mum - 'you are an ugly whore, I hate you, I wish you weren't born, you were a mistake'. blah foxing blah.

I now have wonderful DD aged 5 and DS aged 2.6. DS is happy but DD needs a lot of love.

Please tell me about your loving mums, what do they do to make you feel LOVED. Truly loved? I give my DC attention, listen to them, cuddle them, smile, play. What else made you know you were special?

Id love to hear your perspective.

Thank you MrsDeVere I think it's so important for a child's home to feel safe and calm to them. and for them to have parents who behave in a calm and reassuring manner around them.

Smurf, recently my 40 year old dd told me that she never really appreciated me until she had her own dc. Similarly I didn't really understand my mum until I had children of my own. She gave me such a gift of love and I have strived to be as good a mother and grandma as she was. I still miss her 22 years (on Friday) since she died.

Tears falling down my cheeks reading these. My mum loves me but is rubbish at showing it - she is very achievement driven and as an adult I have felt I have failed her.

My dad however, was a strong parent and was amazing at showing love - I still remember and appreciate how we would sit for hours talking and telling stories in the evening. He had a really big career so must have been exhausted - but he still always made an effort for me. I now do the same for both my children and will do it until they don't want it anymore.

Definitely just being there. And she was, and still is interested in me and what's important to me.
Dm is now terminally ill and living with me and I try to make sure she knows she is loved by putting a hot water bottle in her bed etc.

I think it sounds OP like you're doing everything right.
My mum used to say " don't worry, everything will be alright and I'm ALWAYS here to look after you"
I found that calming, reassuring and just the best thing ever. Quite simple be effective.

This thread has made me happy and sad.I really hope I'm creating a safe, loving home for my children. I love some of the ideas and stories on here and do think I do a reasonable job of it. I love the poster who mentioned eyes lighting up at the sight of your kids

Its all a bit bittersweet. Threads like this point out things I hadn't even realised were lacking. I had a v difficult childhood and that's affected me so much in my adulthood. I feel cross that in my 30s I'm still being held back but threads like this show what a huge difference at your fundamental core it is if you know you're loved.

If I ring my mum it goes "hello" (cheery voice). I say, "hi mum,it's me." And then hee voice changes to a flat "oh."

She's had her struggles in life but since having my kids I feel angry on my own behalf at how unloving my parents can be/are.

I've had an operation recently and yes she did text a few days later to see if it went ok she's not even been to visit. Never mind help. She lives 10mins away.

Often as a chikd I didn't feel safe. I often cries myself to sleep or felt seer panic or overwhwlmed by sadness. I never felt there was anyone on my side...

I'm feeling sad just thinking about it asita not something you can ever get back, and I really envy the support others still fret from their mums. Its hard to just "get over it" when it affects your core being.

On the other hand I delight in being aroundfor my children. It uinfluenced my desire to stay home, I love hearing them read, making cakes with them, being interested in them.... They make me so happy :)

I wish I could turn the clock back and be a better mother to my DD. Her brother was born when she was still a toddler. He has required hands on 24/7 care because of severe medical problems. It was like a bombshell hitting our family. His needs were so great , I could not bear to put him in an institution. He took so much of my attention I do believe my DD did miss out. I had chronic sleep deprivation and was barely functioning at times. I did try my best but I don't think it was good enough because DD has low self confidence. I love DD , the day she was born was the happiest of my life I just hope that when she has her own children she can understand . Reading this thread has encouraged me to try harder

I do think telling your DCs what they mean to you is important. Of course we might all say "Love you" as a matter of course but I don't mean that. I mean taking something that one of them has done and specifically saying how proud you are and how much they mean to you. At times I just need to tell my DCs how proud I am of them, my chest is bursting with pride and it has to come out!

Growing up and not actually knowing what your parents think of you is horrible. I honestly thought mine at best didn;t like me or even hated me and I puzzled and puzzled over it as a child, forever trying to make them like me. It was nothing I could put my finger on, it wasn't an awful childhood, but their lives seemed focused on their business, their friends, their holidays, they never seemed to have any time for me at all, I felt like an inconvenience.
That's why I have always felt what is important is giving time to your children, not material things - that's not what matters.

I just knew deep down that nearly everything she did was for the benefit of me and my siblings. She put us first. Actions speak much louder than words.

Will have to come back to this thread, it's making me cry at work. My own mum was so loving, and I miss her so much.

This is such a lovely thread. So sorry you had such a hard time OP. MY m&d were pretty poor and stressed when we were young so there was shouting and tension, and like rousette I kinda thought it was about me. My parents never said 'I love you' but I never thought about it. In the 70s we weren't all so in touch with our emotions. But we did lovely (free) things as a family, always had a kiss and cuddle before bed, spent time with grandparents, wider family, so I knew I belonged. I think to make you children feel loved, you just need to spend loving time with them, cuddling watching tv or reading a book, smile at them, and listen to them. Everyone has their own style of showing emotion (i find it excruciating if my mum tells me she loves me :() you don't have to be over the top, just remember what they like, let them know you value their opinions and what they bring to the world. Not everyone is pretty and perky and fun, if you're not it's important to know that you are valued for your sense of humour, analytical mind, kindness. One other thing, I remember every negative thing that has been said about me (whether said jokingly or seriously), but hardly any of the positive, so try to make your language as positive as possible.

I also think, you should try to get some counselling if you can? It's a massive thing that you are living with, and some tangible support is always good if you can get it.

My mum was a fantastic, patient listener.

Not verbally demonstrative or cuddly but very giving of her time and energy - when I went home after the first term of uni she had baked all my favourite stuff. Like some of the other mums mentioned on this thread she did the hot water bottle and pants, mittens etc on the radiator

Mostly she was very supportive and interested; pleased for me when things were going well and disappointed when things weren't. No agenda of her own.

My mum used to remind me to "Walk tall" which irritated me at the time - I took it as a loving reminder that I deserved to be confident, but also an uncomfortable reminder that I wasn't confident - there's no pleasing teenagers is there? Now I look back and think it's great advice.

She could be critical though. No one's perfect.

I think it's important for a child to feel a bit cossetted sometimes. When DD is ill I make a bit of a fuss of her and bring her fresh fruit juice and toast in bed.

After her bath I will happily sit brushing DD's hair and plaitting it because she loves having her hair played with. It's a quiet bonding time for us where we chat about our day and she tells me the school gossip. She's a teen now so isn't as cuddly anymore but when she's really tired she'll still nestle next to me on the sofa and slip her hand into mine. It just melts me every time.

I am so lucky that I get to share my life with her.

Well.
I read this thread yesterday and could not post through the tears

What lovely stories - and such harrowing, sad ones too. I admire the strength and insight with which so many of you with difficult and damaging childhoods have written about what you are doing to not let history repeat itself

I never considered my childhood in any way privileged until I started working and had more and more contact with people (adults and children) in very difficult circumstances.

That helped me realise how golden my upbringing had been.

I was never in any doubt that both my parents loved me - in my first language (German) 'I love you' is really only used in the romantic sense and a somewhat different phrase is used between parents ('Ich hab Dich lieb'). That was said from time to time, but I don't think that the verbal expression is in any way crucial.
It was feeling valued, having my opinions listened to (as I grew older, lively debate was encouraged around the dinner table), consistency (there were rules and there were consequences if they were broken, but things were fair), encouragement and lots of laughter and fun.

Of course my mother was/is not perfect. Just like I am not. And like my darling offspring are not perfect. Or 'special' - they are The Most Special Thing to me, but it is very important to me to install a sense of 'greater good' and general kindness particularly towards those 'weaker' than them (the 'weakness' could be physical or emotional or social or whatever).

OP, you will be just fine. Your DCs are lucky to have you as their mother

Glittoris - what a wonderful thing to say that you feel so lucky to share your life with your DD. That's how I feel about mine too - it's an absolute privilege to be part of their lives.

I do have to keep thinking that times were very different when growing up - my DPs had a very victorian upbringing (I'm old and so were they!) and I think how they were brought up affected how they were with me. However, I used to have this resentment and think "well, I broke the cycle, why couldn't they?" but therein lies the path to madness! There was some peace for me a day before my Mum passed away when I held her and I did feel she wanted me to be there and it was such a charged moment that made up for a lot.

And I love cossetting my grown up DC's and most of the time they love it, especially the eldest who reverts back to a bit of a baby and wants me to stroke her ear as it's what I used to do when she was lickle

Thank you Rousette. I really do feel lucky to have her in my life. She's far from perfect and we have the normal teen sulks and bickering occasionally. But she is smart and warm and very funny and just makes my day feel more sunny. She knows that I really like her as a person as well as loving her as my daughter.

If I ring my mum it goes "hello" (cheery voice). I say, "hi mum,it's me." And then hee voice changes to a flat "oh."

My experience is the exact opposite with both parents - my mother always is pleased to hear from me but especially my father. My father is always excited and pleased to see me. He loves it when I am visiting and I am in my 30!! I worry about him dying not least because I know I will never have anyone who is always as pleased to see me again in my life. No one ever loves you like your parents do. It's so unconditional.

What empathy CatKitten.

wow

I have tried and deleted a few attempts at explaining how great and supportive my parents are, I can't begin to explain how much they do for me without going on for ages but I know they love me, I have always known.

Naively when I was younger I assumed everyone's parents were like mine, that was until I met my husband. His mum just isn't interested in him, never has been. It is heartbreaking seeing him at 36 still searching/hoping for some vague flicker of interest but nothing.

If I can be anywhere near as good a parent to my 3 as mine are to me I will be happy.

Exactly ANewMein, I felt like this too. Alone, exposed and very unsafe.

"Often as a child I didn't feel safe. I often cried myself to sleep or felt seer panic or overwhelmed by sadness. I never felt there was anyone on my side"

Err, Catkitten I think you forgot the bit where you say how privaledged / lucky / appreciative that you 'have the exact opposite experience with both your parents'?

Maybe you got caught up in the post but it sounds rather unpleasant to ignore what that means for the person you've compared yourself to?! So glad you've had 'the exact opposite' experience but spare a thought for those who haven't?

Especially as you end it by saying "No one ever loves you like your parents do. It's so unconditional."

You sound at best glib and unfeeling, at worst callous and gloating in the context of this thread - and I'm hoping that's not what you meant at all?!

Surely, what you mean is 'no one ever loved you like your parents do. For you it's so unconditional.'

The whole point of this thread is that for many people, their parents did not love them as they should, and it wasnt unconditional. And they are dealing with the fallout of that every moment of their lives.

Unconditional love is amazing, but it's only children who should take it for granted. To grow up believing that it's just how life is, to believe that being loved unconditionally is as normal as having air to breathe, and food to eat... Well that is a precious and beautiful thing. And how life should be, for children.

As an adult, to appreciate the beauty and strength of a parents love, is great. But you must understand how devastating it is not to have that, not to have grown up like that... And if you didn't reach that idea by yourself, reading this thread should have helped you understand it surely? Not to crash on at page 7 with ignorance still blissfully in tact?

Baffling and I hope it was an unfortuneately post that you didn't mean to come across like that...