If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

[orangeisthenewlemon]

I had a toxic mum - 'you are an ugly whore, I hate you, I wish you weren't born, you were a mistake'. blah foxing blah.

I now have wonderful DD aged 5 and DS aged 2.6. DS is happy but DD needs a lot of love.

Please tell me about your loving mums, what do they do to make you feel LOVED. Truly loved? I give my DC attention, listen to them, cuddle them, smile, play. What else made you know you were special?

Id love to hear your perspective.

This is such a wonderful thread, I am going to pick up the phone now to call my own mother. She is always there she is super affectionate and supportive, we don't always see eye to eye (in fact I've banned any further discussions about my hair) but she is such a genuinely good egg, and random people are always telling me lovely things she has said or done (she is a teacher and is still teaching at 73).

Whenever life is difficult I think back on all those cuddles and just lying there with my head on her chest hearing her heart beating, feeling safe, smelling her lovely smell.

I always try to give my own DC special cuddles every day especially at bedtime as I really bonded with my own mother at bedtime, and it was a happy time when I fell asleep I always felt loved and secure.

I am loved by my mum and have been my whole life I'm sure. However I don't remember her ever saying so, she has very rarely complimented me on my physical appearance or told me I'm special or loved. Never said she is proud of me. (I still find it weird to listen to a mum tell her daughter she is beautiful). Only in a couple of crises /once leaving for a long trip have we hugged. Hardly remember her playing with us much.

But I know she loves me she's just quite a blunt person to speak to and not keen on emotional talking (my dad is slightly more so), when I think back to all the times she took me to different afterschool activities, she and my dad denied themselves things to pay for things for us. My mum was always there with food after school, interested in my school work, trying to protect me from being too independent as a teenager. Now I can see she was trying her best to give us a good diet, keep us active, limit TV, being strict about some things, made us brush our teeth. This sounds so weird when typed as it sounds like the bare minimum!

But what I am trying to say i think is I could tell she was usually giving it her all and was always working hard and for all of our benefit. She is kind to other people but even they don't sometimes know it! As she often makes it appear it is for her benefit, when really she is thinking of them, this includes making some tough decisions and not agreeing with people when she thinks it is important. She was always very consistent and was fair with my siblings and me. She would listen to us. I also really think she doesn't see the surface of people so much but instead looks at their actions. I was quite a vain and rebellious teenager and so we did have some fallings out but are pretty close now.

I am much more emotional with my children and I used to feel bad about it because I really wish sometimes I was more like my mum. However i have met more parents now and have seen there are all types who do it, I'm just not the same as her!

My mum just gets me. I'm the awkward middle child who always lurked at the edges. She always gave me (and still does) that little push and encouragement that I need to not stand on the outskirts and get involved.

She has always worked long hours as well as raising us all and taught me that I can be what I want, do what I want and regardless of what that is, she will be there to support me.

She is fiercely loyal, incredibly kind and a really good person. She always has our backs and I love the relationship she has with DDad.

She has had a really tough time in the last few years and I just really hope that she feels we have been there for her even a fraction of what she is for us.

So there was a time I felt that my 'safety net' was gone. But I've realized that it's still there, it's just inside me now. That that's part of the gift they gave me, the big lesson they taught me; the security of knowing that I can handle what life throws at me

Agree with this wholeheartedly. I still have my mum in mind and body. And I still call her to ask what to do in certain situations. She might not be right but I want to know what she thinks. But I also know that she's given me the strength and confidence to face the world and make decisions.

I have a friend with a very toxic mum and a weak dad who loves her but not enough to really protect her or do anything for her. She stayed with me for a week recently and she told me that it had been really interesting for her to watch me interacting with my children but also with my sisters, BILs, nephews and nieces. She said she didn't know this was how families worked as she had never been shown it . She's such a fantastic person who has overcome all the crap in her life - she won't now have children and I'm sad for her because I know she would have been great. Even though she was never shown, she has a true heart and she would have been able to show the love she was never shown.

I cried at your post enjoyingmycoffee coffee, I didn't and don't have a mothers love but you have reassured me as I am extremely affectionate towards my dd and she ALWAYS wants and misses and sleeps next to me!, as so one who suffered abandonment from my own mother who told me girls weren't loving, I've seem girls can be more loving and more close to their mums! Sorry for your loss and thanks for everybody's stories

Lots of reasons - cuddles, smiles and hugs - but most of all her spontaneous creative generous actions. Like - when we were small we didn't have much cash, but one day when we got home from school she had made for me and my sister each a dolls house out of cardboard boxes, all painted with flowers and decorated - it was a whimsical and exuberant thing and each was customised to just us. That was the kind of thjng she did.

I think the key is making sure our children feel we love and delight in them - that we adore their presence and see how unique they are.

I always knew my mum was with me and for me no matter what. We were a fairly poor family but I remember her pride in my every achievement. One lovely little memory is of the morning I got my 11+ results. Mum and I were eating breakfast by the fire (fried egg sandwiches and tea). It was 1955. Mum opened the letter and said,"You've passed my bonny bairn, you've passed!" That still brings tears to my eyes after 60 years.
I was always told how much I was loved. Let me share a picture with you:

Sorry it is the wrong way round I hope you can see it: me and my mum 1945 :)

My mom and I often clashed and squabbled, when I was young and especially when I was a teenager. I never ever doubted that she loved me, though, because whenever we did argue, she would seek me out after (usually in my room, where I'd be sulking) and want to talk it all through. She couldn't bear for things to be left angry and hurt between us. She'd listen to how I felt, she'd tell me how she felt, she'd apologise if she felt she'd been in the wrong, or even if not, she'd apologise for having lost her temper or shouted or whatever. If I ever had the good grace to apologise too, she'd thank me for it and it would never be brought up again. She was a great, great hugger, and these making-up chats always ended with teary hugs. She wasn't a pushover or a soft touch at all, she could apologise for shouting and still make it clear that she expected me to do as I'd been told.

It wasn't all arguments and high emotion. We had special places that only she and I went to (and she had different places she went to with my brother and sister) - restaurants and bookstores, that kind of thing. If I was ever away, for a sleepover or camp or whatever, there would be a little present, usually a book, on my bed when I got home. I always understood that it meant she missed me when I wasn't there and was looking forward to me being back in my own bed. Even after I went to college, whenever I came home there was a book or a CD or some little postcard to hang in my dorm or something, always on my bed waiting for me. When I achieved something - not big awards, but things like moving to the next level in swimming lessons or whatever - she'd buy a nice card and write something in it with the date, what I'd done, that she was proud of me for trying my best, etc. I still have all those cards.

My mom was fabulous, and I miss her like hell. OP, I'm sorry that you didn't have the benefit of a loving mother. You deserved to have that, and I'm glad for your children that they so clearly do.

I always felt loved. My childhood from an outsiders point of view probably wasn't idyllic but I have always felt that it was happy and I never doubted that I was loved and that is something that my family did right.

As for why - I felt (still do) that my mum always had my back. Even when it came to teachers in secondary school etc she would take my side. I also could tell them anything and they wouldn't freak out as both of my parents never pretended to be perfect and were/are pretty easy going. I felt safe and knew they wouldn't hurt me (physically/mentally!). I felt like they enjoyed spending time with me too and still do.

Now as a mother, I hope that I do the above, I can tell that DS feels loved at least. I haven't read the whole thread but I liked the early post about lighting up when you see them, I know that i do that. I also really enjoy his company and feel happiest when I am with him.

H! grey lady, that is lovely! Some super stories on here :)

My mum was caring to a fault- she put everyone else before herself. She's the same now although she has alzheimers. She has always been kind to me, she loves me, she worries when I'm ill and wants to hug me all the time. I worried her sick when I was a teenager but she never shouted, never made me feel guilty, even when I got excluded a couple of days before mothers day, which I still cringe at. She is gentle and loving and she always let me know she was there. I don't remember Her ever shouting at me, but I don't think it would have changed how Loved I feel because of the rest of how she was with me.
Sorry for the mixed up is/was thing. I still don't really know how to deal with who she is/was. But I still know she loves me unconditionally

Lovely photo greylady. How close you look..

My mum made me feel very loved.

I agree with the actions people have mentioned, but along with that I think words are also important:

I'm the middle of a teenage, blazing row, she'd say "it doesn't matter what you say to me, I will always love you." That made me feel very loved.

On the eve of various exam results: "it doesn't matter what the results are, I love you, no matter what."

She would tell me she was proud of me when I did or achieved things.

I really think that if you're at all anxious about whether your children know how much you love them, it can't hurt to tell them. I tell my DC "I love you when they go to bed. I hope they'll feel as loved as I did.

acrossthepond, I know what you mean about losing the safe feeling when your dad had died and your mum had dementia. I felt the same when my mum was housebound and frail and my dad was gone many years. But I still had my mum. Its a whole different feeling of loss since she died, the void is just too huge to fill. When mum was here I often felt lonely, as I cared for her myself. But since she has died, I feel completely alone within myself. I love my kids totally and utterly, but I'm their safety net. Dh is brilliant but hes not my parents.

Is so different when they're actually gone, to me anyway.

My Mum has never once told me she loves me. And I can't remember the last time she cuddled me though we do kiss on meeting and saying goodbye.

But I have always felt very loved by her because she demonstrates that love in 100 little ways. If I admit I am feeling unwell she immediately offers to come over and cook a meal or collect our DCs from school. When I was a new Mum and constantly exhausted she would tell me to go for a siesta and would take care of DCs for a few hours and I would usually wake up to a home cooked dinner.

She shows practical love not hearts and roses love.

I know she speaks very highly of me to other people because they have told me. She recently told me that I was the best mother she knew and that meant the world to me because she isn't the sort to compliment casually.

Like a previous poster I can only do the things that I strive for, that I think I may have missed out on growing up:

To be told you're loved no matter what
To be made proud of any achievement no matter how big or small
To apologise when you, the grown up, are in the wrong
Stick to your promises
To listen, really listen.
To laugh together and just accept, warts and all.

It's easy to say these things but in the day to day of life it can be hard. But sometimes, just sometimes, when me and DS are dancing and singing in the car to Bermuda triangle by Barry manilow I feel that we're doing okay. Long may it all continue. I'll certainly try my very best never to let him down.

"I agree with the actions people have mentioned, but along with that I think words are also important:

I'm the middle of a teenage, blazing row, she'd say "it doesn't matter what you say to me, I will always love you."

That's so true madamweasel. DD and I were arguing recently over usual teenage angst stuff and midway I just said to her 'You know, I don't know how to not love you' and it completely took the wind out of her sails (in a good way).

I had a truly terrible upbringing and becoming a parent to DD I often think how my parents could do that to 3 children. I can't stand either of them now, the need in me to break that cycle and provide DD with what a you've all experienced consumes me; she's our whole world.

Thank you all for sharing - it gives me, someone with no idea, the knowledge to do something better for my beautiful little girl

MrsDeVere your post really moved me. You sound like an amazing Mum.

With our DCs I always try to give them what they need, not just what they want. I try very hard to appear calm and reassuring to them even when I feel shaky and worried inside. I don't smother them but they know that I am always here for them and that I stand between them and a world that can sometimes seem a bit scary to a child.

I always try to look ahead and help make their lives a bit easier i.e. a few months before DD went up to secondary school I changed my hours at work so I could take her to a club where she would meet other girls who were going to the same school.

I listen out for the little things they say which seem unimportant to an adult but are really important to them. So when they mention that everyone else is using a ^^& book bag or school tights I get them for them. At their age it's so important to them to fit in and be like their friends. They can be independent free spirits when they're older.

I tell them every day that I love them and that they make me very happy

I lost my Mum 5 years ago when I was 30.
She was a great Mum and would go to the ends of the earth for me and my brother. But above all else the one thing that always stuck with me was her saying that I would never understand how much you could love somebody until you had kids. It made me feel like I was the most special person in her world, so safe and loved.

Nothing is they were not so great . My mum wasn't a very good mum to me and my sister, she met another man when I was 4 then despised my dad my sister and myself until he chucked her for good when I was 25. She didn't leave us for him until I was early 20s but I knew from very young 5/6 that she wasn't like other mums . I always felt sorry for her until I had my own children 4 years ago . Now as I have my own children I see how much she let us down . I live my life being the mother I wanted her to be .