If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

[orangeisthenewlemon]

I had a toxic mum - 'you are an ugly whore, I hate you, I wish you weren't born, you were a mistake'. blah foxing blah.

I now have wonderful DD aged 5 and DS aged 2.6. DS is happy but DD needs a lot of love.

Please tell me about your loving mums, what do they do to make you feel LOVED. Truly loved? I give my DC attention, listen to them, cuddle them, smile, play. What else made you know you were special?

Id love to hear your perspective.

OP, I wonder why you are asking this question. It seems calculated to make you feel far worse than you already do by presenting an image of 'perfect families' by which yours stands as a sad foil.

My mother was awful to me growing up. I was the family scapegoat, and on the end of some very extreme emotional and physical abuse, which frankly makes most of the posts on here about problem mothers look like nothing at all. She still loves me, just in a really weird and abusive kind of a way. And I love her and even understand that she did what she did because of trauma and damage in her own past. It has only been by forgiving her and letting go of the anger I felt for many years about her parenting, without expecting anything to change, that I have really been able to be whole again. I think letting go of being her 'victim' was a huge part of that.

My mom wasn't overly affectionate most of the time but those moments of snuggling up on the sofa and stroking my hair I'll never forget. Nursing me when I was hungover or ill. Making our favourite dishes when we came home. Listening to my plans for world domination - however many times they changed. Always ready to put me straight. My dad is more affectionate and they both always helped us out whenever they could. It's hard to put my finger on it but it's like a blanket of warmth.

I had a dysfunctional family and a mum who didn't make me feel loved, and I take the OP at face value - for me it's a great thread and something I really need, to hear from people about what a good mum feels like. I try very hard, I am affectionate with my DC and we talk a lot and I try to listen to them, and I think and hope I am a better mum than my mum was.

But I struggle with bad behaviour, especially with my DD, because I do think it's important to have firm boundaries and call DC out on bad behaviour, but then when I say things like "it's not OK to hit" or "yes I am cross because of XYZ" - even though I generally manage to stay calm and consistent and reassure her that I do still love her - I think "am I just criticising her, am I making her feel she's not good enough?"

These stories don't make me feel jealous or lacking, they are really helpful. Also it's interesting that many people say their mum was not perfect, but they still felt loved.

My DM is not what you call demonstrative but I knew she loved (loves) me because she would brag about me to other people when she thought I wasn't listening. LOL!!

I think it's about acceptance: accepting and loving your child as they are, not expecting them to be 'better'

I agree with this...I had this from my mum (and still do); my dad on the other hand, well, he does love me in his way, but I know I am a huge disappointment to him and he thinks there's something wrong with me. He is also quite emotionally manipulative - I'm currently upset and reeling from an email I got from him several days ago that made me feel like a teenager again, standing there while he ranted at me, filled up with rage and humiliation that I absolutely could not express because it'd only make him worse

My mum, though, I don't feel judged by her, and though we aren't demonstrative, I know she's there for me and would help if I needed it. I could tell her pretty much anything.

My mum was generous with her time. My mum and dad always put each other first and there happiness gave me security. Mum never judged and made me feel loved by reading an cooking with me when I was small. As I got older and moved away she said don't worry about visiting on birthdays an Christmas it's far better to turn up out of the blue because you miss each other and that is something I pass on to my kids. That they are not expected to be around on birthdays etc just to spend time with us because they want to. Worked a bit too well can't bloody get rid of them now ?

The thing I loved most about my Mum growing up was when she got all indignant on my behalf when a teacher upset me. She ALWAYS believed me. I felt really supported. As a result, I ended up confiding in her a lot about school stuff as I knew she was a sympathetic ear.

Its lovely being defended.

It's interesting to try and analyse why I know my mum loves me, because I just know she does. She is the one person in the world who is always behind me, always excited to hear my news, listens to my (sometimes boring) stories and so on. She's not perfect though, she's a human being, sometimes she's quite judgy (in a quiet way) and has also made a couple of corkingly bad man related decisions.

You say your dd 'needs a lot of love'. I have one child like that, the other more self-contained. I don't know what you can do, other than give what you can offer. Sometimes I don't feel like cuddling endlessly, or stopping what I'm doing and going to watch what my clingier child wants. So, I don't think endlessly giving and giving works, it's more about trying to create a more permanent sense to being loved. If you genuinely love her, and do things with her and are mostly in her corner, then that will be enough.

My mother is a very kind person and I think this is at the root of feeling loved. Knowing that your mother is always there for you and always have your best interests at heart.

That's not the same as always agreeing with you or indeed always supporting your choices - which may be objectively bad choices. But just always on your team FOR you, whether you can see it or not.

That's the basis of it but then with my mother there are lots of add ons - like always physically affectionate and ready with hug even at my advanced age, still now always read to cook, make me a cup of tea and physically look after me, always there to listen no matter how long and rambling my whinging is and so on and so on.

But those practical manifestations of love aren't really what matters - the most important thing is the underlying feelings of affection, kindness and support that emanate from a mother.

I'm very very lucky to have such great parents.

I felt totally unloved by my mother and a total disappointment. Although she was a SAHM, I can never remember her playing with me, or her cuddling me, or showing any affection. I have cuddled my own children as much as possible, made playing a priority over housework while they were preschoolers - just enjoyed them and their company. They grow up so quickly, a hug is more important than having shiny taps/clean doorstep etc.

Annarose - I remember a girl at school who got into trouble somehow and her mum came in ranting and raving at the teachers. I knew that it probably wasn't great having her as a mum, she was pretty unhinged, but in one way I was quite jealous that she was ready to defend her daughter like that. My mother was always primed to believe the worst of me.

She was always there for us. Never did I feel that we were anything other than her first priority, although I didn't realise it. Lots of little things, like if she had been in to town, she'd buy us a M&S trifle each. But mainly just always being there, physically and mentally.

I totally get where you're coming from OP! I had (have) a difficult mother who has never showed love, or praised, or cuddled. Very good at showing criticism and disappointment though and falling out with everyone, including her siblings. I had PND after the birth of DC2, rooted in the belief that all siblings hated each other and their mothers.
Consequently, I constantly check myself to see if I'm doing the right things with my DC. I ask myself in many situations 'what would DM do' and then do the opposite. I tell my DC I love them every day, cuddle them, chat to them at the same time as giving them space. I have no idea if I'm right, but all 3 are very loving, affectionate and open. I feel v lucky every day that I have them. And I often feel sad too that I did not have this my my birth family.
It sounds like you're doing well, OP!

My Mum is and always has been, the only person in the world who has unfailingly always been there for me and who always has my best interests at heart. She raised me to be very independent and to make my own decisions and she has never tried to pressure or influence me to be anything I don't want to be; as long as I am happy she is happy, that's all that really matters to her. She has always believed in me and in my capability to make the right decisions (with her advice if I need it) and in turn that instilled a sense of self belief and self worth in me which has been immeasurably valuable.

One thing that is really important to me is that she is always honest with me; she has never just agreed with me blindly or just said what I want to hear. I can tell or ask her anything, and trust everything she says because she loves me enough never to bullshit me or fob me off. She is the one person I trust to always be absolutely straight with me and that means the world - if I'm being an unreasonable dickwad she'll tell me that I'm being an unreasonable dickwad, but that she loves me I know that when the chips are down she is always on my side though and would fight my corner to the death, as I would for her. She has always told me that I am the most important person in her life and always will be, and that she will always be there for me, no matter what, and I just know it's true.

We actually don't see each other much, we live in different countries, so we certainly don't live in each other's pockets, but I carry that security that she is always there if I need her. I can't really describe how I feel about her, 'love' almost doesn't really cover it. It's a deep, primal kind of bond that is unconditional and unbreakable, I can't even think about losing her. I am heart-sorry for anyone who has lost their much loved Mum, or who did/does not have the relationship with theirs that they deserve.

Another one from a dysfunctional family here. I have no memories of being hugged, or told I was loved as a child. Plenty of traumatic memories and I always felt alone within my family. I still do feel very alone and unloved. Apart from by my children that is.

I was also conscious of doing things differently with my DC & I mostly do. So thanks for this thread OP.

I am always amazed at how much DD1 leads the way sometimes. She is such a loving, tactile naturally parent loving child, she astonishes me. In so many ways she has taught me how to love her and her sister.

I feel very teary thinking maybe I was like that as a child with my parents but got knocked back enough to knock it out of me? I don't know - I have such few memories of that time.

With my DD's I just try to be there, to listen, we have lots of hugs and cuddles and tell each other we love them daily.

My mum loved us as children and loves us now - we know because she tells us, and shows us all the time. I've known since I was small that my mum loves my sister and I more than anything else in the world, and its what I tell my dc now. She has always, always had our back, held our hands, let us go, welcomed us home. I remember her cuddles, I still get them now too. She has a special "there there" cuddle which is a rhythmic pat/rub on the back, and with both my dc I find myself doing it to them automatically.

You sound like your doing a great job OP. you love your children, how we all show it differs, but if its there, they will feel it.

This is a lovely thread. Can it be "discussion of the day"?

My mum could be quite difficult in many ways, but I ALWAYS felt loved. She did all the 101 things that a good mother does for her children, found our strengths and provided us with opportunities to develop them, defended us against the world, but when you actually boil down what made me feel loved, it was simply that she cuddled me when I felt sad. I think that's the key to it - be there when they need you.

My mum passed on 10 years ago. She never told me she she loved me but I know she did. However, as somebody said upthread, I didn't truly appreciate it until I was grown up and had children of my own. As a child growing up, you don't judge your parents' parenting skills (unless they are downright awful) - you just presume that this is how parents and children relate to each other. Had I been asked the question as a boy, I probably would have wondered at times whether she did love me because we were taught right from wrong and that sometimes involved tough lessons. However, I am SO grateful that we had a disciplined upbringing and that my brother and I have manners (I believe!) so that we know how to behave in most social situations and have been able to pass that on to our respective children.

As an outsider, my wife has helped me to see perhaps why my mum never verbalised her love for us. She was one of four children and had a fairly impoverished upbringing. Her parents died young shortly after the war. Her only brother (whom she very much looked up to) was killed in the war and her younger sister died of a brain haemorrage also shortly after the war. My wife theorised that perhaps losing so many loved ones in so short a period when she herself was only in her early 20's made it difficult for her to love so completely, although she clearly did.

My mum was positively hard on me and my sister growing up. She treated my two brothers like kings - everyone around us could tell the difference she made. There were many difficult times and arguments because of it. In spite of it however, she always made sure we were safe, so while she wasn't lovey dovey, she set boundaries that even then, I knew were for my safety- eg sending my dad to collect me as a teenager from my shift at the local restaurant even though it was only 5 min away. She also did so many things that I overlooked as a child like warm my bed with a hot water bottle, warm my pants on the radiator before school, buy me peanut butter which no one else was allowed to touch. Heck, she even sat up with me until 6am on the last night of my A level exams while I studied, making me cups of tea and making sure I didn't fall asleep. She would tell me (without saying 'I love you') that your mother is your best friend, and to this day, has grown softer and softer with age and is the best granny ever.

My mum is complex at times but if there's one thing I've learned from her, it's that none of us are perfect, none of us are infallible- parents included. Both my mum and my dad have made some quite monumental mistake when it came down to parenting, but in the grand scheme of it all, we still love them. Truly love them.

That's the other thing, don't feel just because your mother wasn't a good mother doesn't mean you can't be - my mum never felt loved by her own mum, but still managed to do a marvellous job for us!

OP it sounds like you are the mum you want to be.

I was a loved child although my parents divorced. Mum never ever let us down. We were and are her absolute priority and we knew that, even when things were hard.

She says now that she didn't make time to have fun with us but we disagree. We didn't have all that much fun together just because she was working and raising three children and managing elderly parents alone. But when we look back we remember a rock solid foundation. I have been very fortunate. But it wasn't about special songs or Disney days. We just knew that we were her world. Thanks mum.

Hmm. Interesting question. I never felt unloved, but struggle to identify anything specific that positively made be feel LOVED.

Gosh, this thread is actually so lovely and is helping me to remember so many other things that helped me know my mum loved me.

• she got me out of bed to get me up for my part time job as a teenager, at 6am. This was when all her kids had glen the nest and she was well entitled to a rest!

• my mum used to take it really bad if any of us were sick as kids and you could see it in her eyes. She used to phone into her work immediately to take the day off. It meant she didn't get paid and it was a shitty factory job, so she paid a big price for one kid us having a tummy bug.

• she scrimped and saved to buy me a prom dress ( as they are called now- we called it an 'end of year dance') and even paid for a hairdresser to come to the house). She had to fight with my dad to allow for those kind of expenses.

• she wouldn't allow me and my sister the same freedom as my brothers growing up but when she finally relented, used to make us repeat mantras before we went out about 'respecting ourselves' and that we were 'ladies'. Stuff that would make us cringe at the time but in her own limited way, was how she conveyed her feelings about not letting ourselves be taken and advantage of.

Aww, my mum. ??

It's hard, isn't it? My mom was never cruel to me but I never felt she enjoyed me, if you know what I mean. I knew she loved me but I never felt it.

I try to think of my DC (and to be totally honest, with DS it's bloody hard sometimes) as people I am in a relationship with forever, not little problems to be managed.

DH and I are much more physically affectionate with our DC than our parents ever were. I don't remembery parents ever saying they loved me (though I know they do) and we say it all the time. And besides my wedding or someone dying, I don't remember being huffed or kissed by them past the age of six or so.