If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

[orangeisthenewlemon]

I had a toxic mum - 'you are an ugly whore, I hate you, I wish you weren't born, you were a mistake'. blah foxing blah.

I now have wonderful DD aged 5 and DS aged 2.6. DS is happy but DD needs a lot of love.

Please tell me about your loving mums, what do they do to make you feel LOVED. Truly loved? I give my DC attention, listen to them, cuddle them, smile, play. What else made you know you were special?

Id love to hear your perspective.

Hello all,
as per the many requests, we have moved this deeply, deeply lovely thread to Classics. Thanks, Orange, for posting your OP, we think you're gonna be Just Fine.

What a lovely thread! Like a lot of other posters, I had a secure childhood but it's hard to put your finger on what exactly made it so. One of the things with my mum (well, parents, really) was that they wanted to spend time with us. So, if my mum was popping out for something, she'd canvass the kids till she found someone who wanted to go with her. She visibly enjoyed our company. She has never understood why people want to go on long holidays without their children when the children are small - we'd sometimes go and stay with our grandparents overnight/for the weekend so mum and dad could have a night out, but it was never for longer than that. Don't get me wrong, if we wanted to go on longer school trips or visits to the grandparents, we could but mum and dad never went on long holidays without us.

She can talk the hindleg off a donkey and loves nothing better than a good long chat with one of her children. DH laughs about our phone bills - the top number is always my mum, closely followed by my sisters. She encouraged us to try different things - I did a maths course at our local university aimed at high school children because mum said 'Why not?' and happily turned over 8 weeks of Saturday mornings dropping me off/collecting me from it (and my grandad cheerfully told all his mates that his DGD was at uni at the age of 14 ).

And when you were ill, there was no-one better. There's some old photos from a family party when my brother was about 4 and he had a bad cold, and in every one, he's sitting cuddled on my mother's knee - she clearly did nothing else other than cuddle him all day.

Even now, she will drop everything for us. When I was admitted to hospital when pregnant with DD2, I called my mum from the hospital. When she heard my voice she said 'What's wrong?' immediately. When I told her, she said 'Do you want me to come down?' She got off the phone and called me back in less than an hour to say her flights were booked for the following day, and she'd stay till I didn't need her anymore. Thanks to her, I got out of hospital quicker, as there was someone to look after me at home (DH was working) and she coddled me and cared for me (and toddler DD1!) until I was back on my feet.

She and my dad would do anything for us. They're getting on now, and I so wish I was closer to home so I could do more for them, pay back in some small way everything they have done for me in my life.

I think the key is knowing that your mother's love is unconditional.

A small thing. DD is 13 now and I always look up and smile at her when she comes into the room. You can visibly see the effect this has on her. Even though she's a sulky and withdrawn teenager, a genuine smile from me seems to make so much difference to her. It's lovely to see and even lovelier to be able to give her that smile and make her feel like that.

All I would say is be there no matter what, I've been going through depression for the past 2 years and, my mother seemed to see it as a chance to manipulate me into getting what she wanted, while also denying depression even existed (I'm just a selfish drama queen you see) But obviously that all backfired and my whole family have completely disowned me. It's taught me that I never want my son to feel what I'm feeling. I will give advice, but I won't hold it against him if he doesn't take it, I will tell him he can do anything he wants and I will support him no matter what. I want him to understand that people make mistakes, and that's how we learn, I I want him to know that he can talk to me about how he's feeling, even if it might seem like the wrong way to be feeling, and if he needs my help and support he will get it. So I guess just be approachable, be honest, show respect, never judge and tell them you love them every day. But the fact you're already worrying about it makes it very obvious you're doing a great job already :) xxx

Oh I must read this! I have DD 6.5 and DS3 and just the same as the OP. DD still clingy and needs love, DS very happy. I didn;t have a toxic mother but a narcissistic mother - very uninterested in me once she realised I wasn't going to bend to her will, so largely ignored (occasional slapping and shouting) once I reached puberty.
She died 2 yrs ago from a heart attack at 66. I hadn't seen her for months, had never left her alone with the DC as I didn't trust her and I am so cross at her - I really really miss having a mum but I don;t miss my mum IYSWIM

I now wrack my brains every day and re-check myself as I don't want to become my mum and I have no clue if I am being loving enough, firm enough, soft enough etc etc for DD.

You sound like you are doing a great job, OP - and I know how hard it can be to be a parent without any good role models.

Both my parents were feckless, irresponsible drunks. My dad was a wife- and child-beater and my mother was an enabler. They are both now dead. I have no good feelings about my late dad, but I do about my mum, even though in practical terms she utterly failed to protect us, or put us first.

But she loved us, I have no doubt, and we loved her in return. I went back to my family home - a place of horror and despair for me - when she was ill, to look after her until she died, because I loved her. She was always ready with a hug and a cuddle, and I think she knew all too well that the happy family life she had hoped to provide for us was a mirage, hence the drinking.

For my own DS, much older than yours, I try to do the same - listen, pay attention, show affection, and hope I am doing a slightly better job than my own poor mum managed.

Some terrific posts on here! I just wanted to make one point about the need many people seem to have these days to make their kid/s feel they're 'special' (partly because the last sentence of the OP kept ringing in my ears).

Personally, I think this rather recent idea creates egotistical monsters out of quite a few of us & our kids. Very few of the responses to this thread mention this sort of 'specialising' thing as a necessity; they're much more about the basics of safety, security, unconditional love (whether one is behaving like a 'special' person or just a run-of-the-mill mucky child!) The rock beneath your feet is so steady you don't even think about it being there, as a loved kid.

My Mum never told me she loved me, but I knew she did; very few hugs - probably only about 3 after the age of toddlerhood. She has behaved abysmally over the years, due to my disagreement with the religion in which she raised me, yet still I know she loves me. It's a really hard thing to define, and when you feel you haven't had it as a child OP, I can completely understand that you constantly wonder if you're doing it right with your children. If you do genuinely love them, I think they will know without you needlessly angsting over whether you're 'doing it right'. Love is a many splendoured thing - as others have said, sometimes one only realises it in hindsight, and it is such a personal thing within families each of us do it differently.

'Follow your heart' is such a great piece of advice.

My Mum was far from perfect, she was an alcoholic when I was a child though she managed to recover.

Her five children are all very different, she loved us all differently but equally.
She was very strict at times but as we grew older she was very accepting of us, she loved us unconditionally and was always there for us, and her grandchildren, that's what makes you feel special.

When she knew she was dying we were all she thought of and what would become of us.

I miss her every day and still reach for the phone at times of joy or sorrow, thinking "I'll just tell Mum". I know she would have listened.

I'm sure you'll do a great job Orange if you just love your children as they are.

No hugs and cuddles in my family (except maybe in really exterme family crisis), no saying "I love you", that was not the way they do things, but they were always a hundred percent involved in everything I did, and that was how they showed me the most important thing, which was that they believed in me.

Every school project, every play, every dance recital, every debate, they didn't just attend, they were the scenery people, the costumers, the drivers, the backstage hands, the fund raisers, the audience at every rehearsal. They ran the school PTA for years. Before any important exams my mother spent hours hearing me talk about the subject, asking me questions, going over answers. Before any exam always weeks of special food, supplements, glucose tablets on the day...

They were not perfect parents by any means, but I felt very important and special.

My mum never did anything our of the ordinary. She took care of us, talked to us, played with us ... just those consistent little things that felt so safe. No grand gestures or fancy words.
As I grew up it changed to shopping and sharing books etc but the listening and kindness remains.

OP sounds like you've got the right idea.

Strangely when i think back to my childhood what made me feel loved was her firmness. She gave thought to her rules and explained them to us. We knew (we didnt always like it) but we knew it was for our own good that she was saying no to something. She took time to make sure that we understood why we couldnt do X,Y or Z and that it wasnt because she was a horrible mother who hated us. i would have liked her to have had a bit more patience and made the time to sit down and interact with us. I dont ever remember her doing that (but my dad did so we did have it) and its something i struggle to do with my DCs so i make the extra effort to force myself even if i'd rather clean the kitchen.

Oh and as an adult we holidayed together and she beat me at both tennis AND drinking cocktails every day. On the Gatwick express on the way home she shed a tear as she said growing up in a busy sibling family (including twins) it's always been hard to have enough 1-1 time with each kid and she loved a whole week with me.
I was the least demanding child in terms of attention and she worried about me. She never said it as a child but nudged me towards hobbies and books so I wouldn't feel left behind my louder/sportier siblings.

This has made me bawl. My mum died when I was 14 and I don't have many strong memories, however I do know she loved me. Someone saying about their child lighting up when they see them, I still feel that way about my Dad and think he is the same with me, whenever I see him the world is right and he has my back if I need him. He always told me the world was my oyster and has supported me whenever I needed him to, never questioned my choices. I have also been exceptionally lucky with my MIL who treats me like a daughter and who I know loves me as much as one of her own. Although she is very verbal about this in a way my Dad is not. If I have been cross with my DS and yelled I always make sure I tell him I love him after (once we've both calmed down). As I have said to my DH there can be times when you don't like someone very much but you will always love them.

I just really loved my mum and I knew without ever thinking about it that she loved me, totally and utterly.

I looked after her after my dad died, for years, our roles were reversed.

But she was always my mum, even when I was being hers.

One thing from many memories stands out, a few weeks before she died I took her out in the car to get her out the house, I'd put her coat on and tie a warm scarf around her neck, and put her handbag across her shoulders. Then help her into the the car as she leaned on me and buckled her in. We'd then go to the local shops and I'd help her into a wheelchair and wrap a rug around her legs so she wouldn't be cold. Then I'd get her a bag of chips from a chippy she liked and you know what, she always offered me her first chip, straight out the bag, with her wee old hands with gnarled fingers. She always gave it to me. And being a mum, I would do the same for my kids, but I know theres no one else on earth apart from your mum who would always offer you the first chip.

God I miss her so much, more than words could say.

I also dont remember my mum telling me she loved me but she wrote it (still does) in every single card she has ever given me. Not just "love mum" it is always "mum and dad love you very much and are very proud of you" tbh i struggle to write it in her cards, not sure if i ever have. I think because it wasnt a thing we ever said out loud to each other. My dcs i tell them several times a day and they do to me.

and now my mum and dad are both gone from this world, my safety and security has gone too, and I dont know how to get it back.

My mum, my lovely lovely mum.

Affection came utterly naturally to her. Hugs, kisses, holding hands. When we were poorly, she would sit on my bed, stroking my hair and telling me stories or, and what I really loved, she would tell me the story line to films that I wasn't allowed to watch because they were 18s!

She thought we were the most wonderful creatures on earth. She genuinely thought we were marvellous. That feeling, the feeling that someone thinks you are bloody amazing, gives one amazing self confidence.

She had our backs. Her stance was always, always, to be on our side against the world.

She was wonderfully organised and an amazing housewife. All our physical needs were met. We were fed wonderfully, clean clothes, clean bedding, a beautifully tidy house.

She was shockingly, almost over the top generous.

I just loved her so much. I remember going away on holiday after a levels with friends, and I cried in the airport toilets, because all I wanted was my mum. I wanted to be going on holiday with my mum.

She died, a few years back. She would have been the most incredible grandmother.

dawnz I know what you mean and I don't think it's particularly good for DC when parents try to insist to everyone else that their child is special, gifted, better than other children etc or to push that. It is important to help your children to learn to deal with not always being the winner.

But maybe the distinction is that a loving parent/mum lets the child know they are special to them - that they are the child that parent will always stick up for and love and support, whoever they happen to be.

I remember that being what I didn't get. My dad would point at other kids in the playground and say "why can't you do that" and even "I wish that [child over there doing something impressive] was my kid". (I was a chubby and physically uncoordinated child...) When I did do well, academically, my mum would explicitly tell me she wasn't proud of me because my achievements were "nothing to do with her". Well, technically they weren't I suppose but with a good mother-child bond you want your mum to be happy and proud and engaged in what you do, just because you are hers, because you are her beloved child. For my narcissistic mum, if it wasn't her own personal glory, it held no interest for her. She couldn't be happy for me.

I don't tell my DC they are better than everyone else - but that they are my favourites, that I love them more than anything else.

Madder, that is so profoundly disturbing. How awful that must have been for you.

...now I've got a baby my mum often tells me she's bonny and a happy little thing because of how well I look after her and it makes my heart swell a little every time.

Enjoying, thank you. The funny thing is, as others have said about not fully understanding the love you had until you can look back on it later, the same goes for my experiences in a way, because I didn't know any different. I've only understood as an adult how damaging it was. At the time it was just my life, home and family, and it was relatively subtle - there was no alcoholism, extreme violence or gross neglect, and I thought we were normal. Although I can remember so many of the hurtful things so clearly, that they must have had a big impact.

But still I love reading about the lovely mothers on here and I am so glad so many of you had and have them. because it is, now, about what kind of a mother I can try to be.

Oh sad, it isn't gone, really. You've just misplaced it. Love never really goes away, it's just that the sadness of losing them makes it hard to find.

My dad has been gone for 15 years, Mum has dementia. When her mind started to go I sort of felt as you do because I feel I can no longer talk to her about my problems, it just worries her too much. So there was a time I felt that my 'safety net' was gone. But I've realized that it's still there, it's just inside me now. That that's part of the gift they gave me, the big lesson they taught me; the security of knowing that I can handle what life throws at me. You'll get there. And remember there's nothing wrong with asking for help if you need it!

To all of us, we ALL have so much to be proud of. Our ability to love and rise above is amazing! We truly are our mothers' legacies.

Respect. She always believed me, always took me seriously, and took time to see things from my point of view. I was listened to, and as a child, you're often not listened to by so many adults! It taught me that my opinion is valid, I do have a voice, something interesting to say, and also taught me to value what other say, too. I was also less inclined to lie to sensationalise things.

My parents had enough belief in the courage of my convictions for Dad to give me his vote in a general election, when I was only 16. I felt so strongly that he just offered to go down and vote on my behalf, even though he felt strongly too, and would not have voted for the same party as me. He trusted me to do my research, take my time, and come to a conclusion that I could back up.

should not have read this thread at my desk. Blimey.

I am another who has rarely felt much love, if any, from my mother. I think she does love me but I can't say for sure. She wasn't terribly well mentally a lot when I was younger and she said some terrible things and also allowed some very dreadful things to happen to me.

I never felt protected or cared for, really. I was always lonely and afraid.

My greatest fear is that my darling DD will feel about me the way I feel about my mother. As DD grows - she's still only just 4 - the way my mother treated, and treats, me, the less I can understand it.

I always thought I didn't want children because I didn't know how to love them, but my best friend (who I met as an adult) has helped - though she doesn't really know this! - as she's got a great relationship with her mum and it showed me that a wonderful mum/daughter relationship is possible.

I love this thread as it's genuinely helps me (and I should think others too) learn. Some things are instinctive but I do worry a lot about how I'm parenting and how DD feels so I need some guidance from time to time.

Thanks all.

Finding it really difficult to read this thread. My mum died when I was 5 and I try not to think about what I missed out on (me and my sister were brought up by loving grandparents but it's not the same). My own little girl is 4 now. It's hard sometimes when she asks questions like 'why did your mummy die?' 'did you love her?' etc.