If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

[orangeisthenewlemon]

I had a toxic mum - 'you are an ugly whore, I hate you, I wish you weren't born, you were a mistake'. blah foxing blah.

I now have wonderful DD aged 5 and DS aged 2.6. DS is happy but DD needs a lot of love.

Please tell me about your loving mums, what do they do to make you feel LOVED. Truly loved? I give my DC attention, listen to them, cuddle them, smile, play. What else made you know you were special?

Id love to hear your perspective.

Hugged!

sounds silly but the first thing that comes to mind is my mum always used to put our coats on the radiator every single morning when it was cold so we would be nice and warm on the walk to school. Underwear would be on there too. Plus breakfast would all be set out and ready. I cant explain why that made me feel so loved but it did. It was little things that made me feel like I was in a nice, safe bubble.

Even today she will buy me little things like gluten free porridge when she sees it on offer and it just makes me feel fuzzy and warm knowing she thinks of me.

I do the coat thing with my DC now...and pyjamas on radiators ready for after their bath

One small stupid thing sticks out when I think back. You know when you're around 8 or 9 and don't want to be seen to be babyish? But you fall over and graze your knee and you burst into tears anyway? And a part of you is mortified but you can't stop sobbing?

She would cuddle me and tell me "Its just the shock" about my tears. And if there was anyone else around, like a neighbour or (worse) one of my pals, she'd turn to them and say "She's had a shock with it, naturally"

And it saved my dignity. Its not babyish to have a shock, it sounds quite grown-up actually. So I didn't feel too ashamed about crying like a baby, then. I really really loved her for that.

Will totally nick it for my own child.

I do that too Galli. Sometimes I time their bath so the towels are just finished in the tumble dryer when they get out. Then I can wrap the snuggly warm towel around them and squeeze and smell their hair.

I do have some memories like that of my parents. Mostly my dad. I remember reading by the fire in the middle of the winter. Snow and wind howling outside, the whole bit. And he brought me a hot sugary cup of orange spice tea, and I remember feeling so warm and cared for. :) He made me tea a lot, but for some reason that time sticks in my mind.

Oh Anna, that is lovely. :)

Being the constant parent in my life, endlessly supportive & loving, nothing is too much and ends every phone call with I love you x

My mother used to say she had to love me, because I was her daughter, but she didnt have to like me. I dont think she did either, much.

I just got round to reading this thread. I am... of course weeping like a baby. This thread is a keeper for me - there are so many examples & much advice that I will take with me through my Motherhood journey. Thank you so much all. Mumsnet at it best Xx

Sigh. What wonderful, lovely sounding Mother's so many of you have/had

I'm the same as OP. Never felt love, she was/is awful to us. I see her for DS's sake. But I often fantasise about experiencing a mother's love. To feel secure in a parent's love (my DF died when I was 4) must be just amazing. DM has been ill of late and I'm ashamed to say, I feel nothing. I worry that when she passes, it will be undeniably noticeable that I will be pretty emotionless. Any tears I shed will be me feeling sorry for myself that I never "had" a mother.

But I'm a good Mum People tell me I am and I believe them. I feel immensely proud of myself for this, all things considered.

Well, I did feel loved by my mum as a child but it's hard to say what she did that made me feel this. She was very undemonstrative - she very rarely said "I love you" (could probably count on the fingers of one hand how many time she said it). Until I was about ten she did used to give me a goodnight kiss at bedtime though. She wasn't a hugger; she still isn't really.

She was easily exasperated and would shout a lot. She wasn't particularly chatty or interested about things that had happened in my day and stuff like that. And she did hit me from time to time. She was by no means a perfect parent, especially by today's standards, but somehow I still felt secure.

I suppose I had a sense from quite an early age of the work involved in raising a family (plus she worked very long hours too) - how little time to herself she had, how tired she was a lot of the time. When she wasn't working it was constant housework, food shopping and cooking etc. So perhaps I felt she showed her love by everything she put into looking after us.

Also, I do remember one time when I was unhappy at school because of some girls who were being shits to me - I used to tell mum about it in the car on the way home and she would quietly listen without really seeming to. It all got resolved eventually and some years later I mentioned it and she remembered exactly what had happened and told me how worried she'd been about me at the time and how angry she'd been with those girls - I had literally no idea! So that felt good in a way.

My mum is my best friend. She adores myself and my brothers and always tells us how much she loves us and how proud she is of us (even though most of us have done things not to be proud of in the past). We went through some tough times as a family growing up but she always ensured that we felt loved and secure. She is very affectionate, encouraging and always there when we need to talk. We live in different countries unfortunately but even over the phone, she can sense when there's something wrong. I'd be lost without her and trust her more than anyone in the world (dh included).
She would give us her last penny if we needed it and her devotion and loyalty to us doesnt waiver.
When I had dd, I always said that if I'm half the mother she is I'll be doing ok and I try and model myself on her. She's an inspiration.
She's also an amazing grandmother. She's the very same with the grandkids as she was with us. Despite being in her late 60's, she would think nothing of getting down on the floor to play with them and regularly looks after them.
I just hope that she's around long enough for my dd to appreciate the love she has for her like I do.

My mum went out of her way to show me, very clearly, that nothing I ever did would be good enough. She openly states that she used to get stopped in the street by strangers when I was a toddler, who would remark on what a lovely little girl I was, only for her to tell them not to tell me I was pretty. I know now, as an adult, that it was because she is a hideously insecure woman, but it (not just the silly example above, but a lifetime of verbal and psychological abuse) left me with shredded - or rather, non-existent - self esteem.

Ref pp who have referenced those who sound like amazing mums, and those, like mine who were pretty damaging, I think both sides are useful, knowing what not to do is often as useful as knowing what does show dc they are loved and cherished. No dc I am close to will ever doubt my love for them.

My mum loved me but never said it. It was a neglectful sort of love, for various reasons she was very wrapped up in her own life, and our roles were sort of reversed. She had a difficult and unusual life.

My DH's large extrovert Irish family were the first people to ever hug and kiss me, I found it strange and wonderful.

Watching, OP, as I could have written your original post. Although I feel I do know how to love in so many ways and am only glad I have the chance and my DCs are same age as yours and do need a lot of love.

She gave me roots and wings and encouraged me to fly -roughly translated, was always there but knew when to 'let go ' I put it on the card for the flowers at her funeral . I hope my DDs will feel the same about me

It's funny but I always think about how when I say next to mum on the sofa she would always rub my feet! Sounds really odd, but we weren't a massively demonstrative family but I just always felt loved. I find myself cuddling up to ds on sofa and stroking her feet in the same way. She worked v hard making sure I could go to university and really encouraged me to do my best at school, but wasn't pushy either. She was a massive support when my dd was diagnosed as autistic and helped out financially with paying for private help for dd. I see her now with dd and she is brilliantly patient with her. She annoys me sometimes, but is a very loving parent.

Very difficult to describe a loving home - it just was. We were loved, not smothered. Our parents wanted the best for us without spoiling us. We felt secured, were cuddled, we laughed together.
I hope my DCs feel,the same about me and DH

My Mum praised me, she still does. Not just the random 'you are so wonderful' but specific things. Really tailored praise 'you are amazing at that because...' 'I love watching you with DC when...'
She is my rock. We don't speak every day but she is the voice in my head when I don't know what to do, telling me to trust my instincts. She was and is always available emotionally.
She treated me like an adult when I was a teen, in an age appropriate way, she trusted me and I respected that.

As a child my parents made me feel safe and secure. I have loads of happy memories making Christmas decorations with them, birthday parties, walks in the park, holidays, and then there's the little things like sitting on my dad's knee while he blew the hair out of my eyes and said with a big smile how I had a heart of gold, my mum putting plasters on my knee when I fell over, my mum teaching me to play noughts and crosses...etc.

I'm crying as I type this as it all fell apart when I was 13. My dad died and mum lost the plot and turned to alcohol. Up until that point I felt so loved.

This is full of so many lovely accounts of motherhood, I second it being made discussion of the day.

My mum had a difficult upbringing and I don't think she had much love from her parents. But she is a brilliant mum to me. Unlike so many people on here, I wouldn't say my mum is a mumsy, kind-type person at all. That is - she is kind, but she's not gentle and passive, she's quite fiery and can have a temper at times. Just saying this really because as others have said, it's not about being perfect.

But I never ever doubt her love for me. For one, she tells me all the time, and always have done, that she loves me. And she says when she's proud of me, which is often, and not just when I pass an exam or do something objectively praiseworthy. Sometimes it's just an expression of her pride in me being considerate to a friend, or being capable at something normal like making dinner :)

Although she's very matter of fact, and not really soppy, she'll always do lovely things like bring me a little present (I still remember her coming home with new hairbrushes in bright red and bright blue for my brother and I when I was about 5) or putting flowers in my room.

I think the heart of it, though, is the way she clearly enjoys being around me. If I go to stay with my parents, she will come in to my bedroom in the morning and sit beside my bed and chat to me as I wake up, and laugh at my groggy morning nonsense until I "come round" (not a morning person unlike her!) and then we'll talk. She started taking me out for lunch one to one probably when I was a teenager, which gave us a chance to have proper chats away from my dad and brother. I still remember telling her about my first boyfriend over one of those lunches She'll ring me up regularly and drop me emails - often just a link of a couple of lines she'll think I'll enjoy.

One thing that is quite tricky is that she thinks nothing is good enough for me. I've had to learn how to take this in the right way. It's a lovely tendency when it comes to getting thoughtful presents, but it's harder to take when e.g. I've just got a lovely new job and she starts sending me a job ad for CEO of Google or something similarly beyond my capabilities and ambition! It can feel like a criticism but I know really it's just because she loves me, thinks the world of me and really doesn't see why I SHOULDN'T be running the world :)

And whenever I hug her, I just see her light up. She always makes me feel like our love for each other is a precious thing and we are lucky to have it.

Annarose, I love your post. "She's had a shock with it, naturally."

Made ME cry, reading that.

Elephant me too! Lovely of her to help you save face, Annarose.

Exactly what Six said. Exactly. I think my mum does love me but she has always practised tough love and has a list of all my character flaws she trots out if she doesn't agree with my decisions. Or if I have any problems really.

The 'lighting up with pleasure' thing is something I consciously try to do with my children - not faking it but expressing the pleasure I feel in their company so that they can see it. Enjoying being with them. Not assuming it's their fault if they are having problems.

My mum was the eldest, she felt expected to put up, shut up, and get on with it, whilst her younger, sick sister got the care, attention and her own way. At least, this is how she felt, don't know how it all really happened, obviously.
She never let me go to sleep/out of the door without saying I love you. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't lose it's meaning if it's said often, only when it's said without any. I know I was an accident, but have never felt like a mistake.
She asked my opinions when appropriate, respected my decisions when they were mine to make, and had my back when I stood up for something. Yet she also put me in my place, didn't give me my own way, and taught me to deal with disappointment.
So I do what she did now with my children- I validate their feelings, respect their decisions, am firm and fair.
If they grow up feeling loved, respected, valued, worthwhile - and responsible enough to make others feel the same way - I'll consider that a parenting success.

acrossthepond beautiful post. Made me cry. You're very lucky to have a mum like that.