Overheard on the bus

[AdventuringAbout]

Man to partner: It's a lovely day for a walk in the park...
Woman: It is, but there are lots of other things we must do today.

Man: like what?
Woman: well, for one thing, I need to check all the use-by dates of things in the fridge.

Suddenly my day of nappy changes and playing trains seemed much less dull

Any good eaves-dropping round your way?

Overheard on Christmas Eve outside our local butchers. Woman comes out of shop and waves the receipt in her partners face whilst shouting..."look at the fucking price of that. Next year you're getting fucking chicken"

In McDonalds,

Very pregnant young woman to her partner,

"If yer nae giein mi a fag, yer nae gettin ony o mi milkshake!"

Made my day

I was in a queue in a shop behind two teenage lads, next to us was a stand of E- cigarettes. One lad says " you should get one ov dem mate and quit smoking" the other said "yeah they are alright.. but you can't put em in a joint can ya?"

Thank you for this thread!

Place marking as I don't have time to read them all now, but the first 2 pages are fab.

Keep them coming. Really enjoying the read.

Years ago on the late night bus back from Birmingham City centre to the 'burbs. 2 girls, thick Brummie accents sat behind me. One was relating, at length, about the argument she'd had with her boyfriend, ending with "and then he said I was nothing more than a common slag!" "Well, that was that! Oi may be rough, but oi'm not common!!!"

More genteel. Was in Harrogate walking behind two elderly ladies going to an antiques market. One wanted to look for a present for a mutual friend who was getting remarried (think Last Tango). Her friend had already bought a gift."I came here last week and found just the perfect present. You know Margaret, she only likes really simple elegant things, nothing fancy.So I bought her a butter curler. A plain and simple silver butter curler"

Used to do a bit of waitressing (is that even a word?) Leaned in to ask if the meal was alright and one woman to the other said,

'And I told him, I did. Anything going through my anal sphincter is only going one way'.

I quietly withdrew so I could PMSL in the kitchen!

In Adams children's shop one day years ago.
Mum - try on the gym shoes
Small boy - NO!
Mum - try them on now
Small boy - NO!
Mum - try them on now or you are not getting a sausage roll from Greggs
Small boy - ALRIGHT THEN!

I hadn't even heard of Mumsnet then

I lived in Islington when I first worked in London, in the peak New Labour days when it was gentrifying rapidly. Two contrasting stories:

First on a No 73 bus, youngish besuited city type on phone to presumably his girlfriend:

"Pasta, yes, that would be lovely, can you also pick up a ciabatta?(pronounced the proper Italian way).

Long pause.

"you know, the Italian bread?"

Longer pause. His face falls.

"Yes, the sigh- a - batta. See you later."

All his upwardly mobile Islington cred gone in an instant. I suspect that relationship didn't last.

Second one on a snowy day, Mum on the front step shouting over to her children who are playing in the garden square:

"Oh, Hugo, Charlotte, what a LOVELY snowman you've made darlings. Hold on a moment, just let me get you some black olives for his eyes"

Two teens on my bus, having a good humoured row:

Teen 1: you're a prick

Teen 2: no you're a prick

Teen 1: if I'd wanted my own comeback I'd have licked your mum's face.

I very maturely burst out laughing and over a year later still get evil looks from the adult commuters

Oh dear, I hope no-one was in the local shop with my sister when she took DS1 in, aged around 4 - she said she heard herself saying very loudly to him "You can have a cheese string OR a scratchcard but I haven't got enough money for both!"
He used to like rubbing the silver coating off when she bought scratch cards!

In a lift, young woman telling her friend about a previous night out:
'I dunno what went on cos I left really early. I pulled this really hot African guy. We were dancing and he said he wanted to take me home and cover me in honey. I went cos I thought he said money! I legged it when he got out the runny stuff'. Cue friend, boyfriend and me cracking up.

In B&M Stores, just before Christmas.

Her: I want that pink kettle.
Him: What pink kettle?
Her: That one
Him: Get it then.
Her: No.
Him: Why not?
Her: Because I don't want it.
Him: You just said you did
Her: I wanted you to get it for me but you've spoilt it now!

I was on the bus to school about 10 years ago and my eyes were opened by a conversation between two women about their partners kinks... Apparently one had stopped using deodorant because her partner could only get off when sniffing her arm pits!!!

I work in a GP surgery.

One of our receptionists took a call that went like this:

Patient: I need to see a doctor because I'm very ill and can't get to the surgery.

Receptionist: OK Mrs Bloggs I'll put you down for a house call later today.

Patient: Oh no you can't do that!

Receptionist: Why not?

Patient: Because I live in a bungalow!

I love these

My memory is going because I remember hearing this story before but can't recall if DH told me or I read it on here

DH (or perhaps a MNer ?) standing at a bus stop and heard a young lady shouting from her flat window to her boyfriend below who was crossing the street ...
Her "...and mind the Irn Bru..."
Him "Aye"
Her" ....and mind the Mars Bar..."
Him "Aye"
Her " and mind the FANNY PADS !!!!!!"
Him "AYE !"
Her " Ah fucking love you !!!"

Think I would have pissed myself if I'd been there......

whitebits .

Though for readers not familiar with Glasgow vernacular, that's "mind" as in "don't forget" rather than "mind" as in "watch out for", otherwise it conjures up a weird image of the girl chucking soft drinks, confectionary and sanitary towels out of the window at her beloved...

A woman on the bus was talking to her friend about how she hated her daughter's pet snakes.

'One of them escaped, and of course I was terrified.... (dramatic pause) ......... luckily the cat ate it!'

loving these. Frozen cauli is my fave so far.

I was once on a silent early-morning commuter train. My DM was staying at my house and that morning was going to take my cat to the vet for me. I realised I hadn't got the cash out of the pot so I rang her on my mobile and said,

"Just remembered I haven't told you where I keep all the money."

A man in the carriage said, "Ooh, tell all of us!" and then everyone turned around and looked at me expectantly like this o__o

Not on a bus, but a tourist encounter in Rome.

Woman (obviously of the anglophone variety) was staring anxiously at map and around her, clearly trying to work out where the hell she was. Saw me passing (I guess I must have had my map out too or something) and stopped me for the following exchange:

Woman, proffering map: Excuse me - are you English by any chance?
Me (in ENGLISH): No - I'm Irish, but how can I help?
Woman, peeved: Well, I can't speak Irish!!

And briskly walked off, presumably to find somebody who spoke English to help her...

A woman got on the bus. A man got on and sat next to her.

Him: Please don't get off at X stop to go to him. Please get off at Y stop with me. I love you.

Her: It's too late you've had too many chances.

I was on tenterhooks.

She got off at...

Tell us kenadams!!