Overheard on the bus

[AdventuringAbout]

Man to partner: It's a lovely day for a walk in the park...
Woman: It is, but there are lots of other things we must do today.

Man: like what?
Woman: well, for one thing, I need to check all the use-by dates of things in the fridge.

Suddenly my day of nappy changes and playing trains seemed much less dull

Any good eaves-dropping round your way?

[MyCatIsAStupidBastard]

Very very drunk man Scottish man on train on his phone...

(said in broad Scottish accent)

"Of course I love ya Juliaaaaa! Ah Jumped ya bones didn't ah??"

It was a very long and loud conversation, but this bit particularly sticks in my mind! I had to go to the buffet car so I could laugh.

[Buttercupsanddaisys]

Oh kenadams, did she not get off at his stop, or the other stop, but....

Stayed on the bus til the terminus then had mad passionate sex in the shelter with ......the bus driver?

And you stayed and watched it?? You bloody perv

[jen44473]

Best overheard festive anger of last Xmas :
"LEAVE it, Rosie. I've had it with slippers, I've had it with Christmas, and I've had it with you."

[Tangoandcreditcards]

About 18 months ago now, but a classic nonetheless...

Woman: we'll DS has been in Amsterdam, but he doesn't go for all the drugs n that, he's into all the culture stuff...

Her companion: yeah

Woman: yeah. He went to Uretha Franklin's house

Companion: who's that then?

Woman: oh. She wrote a book or something ...


Me and DP sniggered

[SunshineBossaNova]

I was on the last train out of London Victoria one night and a very, very drunk man sitting in the seats in front of me decided to call his girlfriend.

'I really love yoooooooo'
'We're at...'

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

When she was 8 months pregnant with me, my mum had to go into hospital for external cephalic version under general anaesthetic (they'd turned me round twice in the antenatal clinic, but I was determined to be a breech baby, so they admitted her to turn me and wedge my head into her pelvis - lucky, lucky mum).

She was in bed, with the curtains round her, and a student nurse was going through the admissions form - dad was waiting outside the curtains, and heard the following conversation:

Student nurse - what religion are you?

Mum - none (mum's a humanist, but clearly didn't want to have to explain that).

Student nurse - Ah. OK. Is that spelt N-U-N??

Mum - >

Dad could hardly stifle the laughter!

[Idontseeanysontarans]

Ds on his xbox live playing FIFA with his mates. One had apparently just fouled DS:
"You did that on purpose! How very dare you sir!"
Not sure when my 14 yo son turned into a 17th century fop...

[AMillionNameChangesLater]

I've just heard at soft play "You cant whistle, you sound like a demented train"

[Mandy2003]

Idontsee DS and his mates do this too - think it comes from Blackadder

[Tunna]

I overheard my nan telling her friend Elsie that if my cousin hadn't gone into labour by Wednesday then the Doctor was going to seduce her.

Elsie nodded wisely whilst I was thinking 'it's a bit late for that'

[Princessgenie]

When I was in hospital after having my daughter the young girl in the next cubicle had given birth to a 10lb+ baby (who was absolutely gorgeous). Her boyfriends dad walked in and went 'fooking hell he's a big bastard'. I nearly died.

[CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup]

Just now, in Poundland. (well, OH did say he was taking me out this afternoon LOL)

Woman holding pack of Splenda: This pack feels very light.
Older woman with her: That's because its for dieters.
Woman: Oh yes.

I had to walk away.

[alltoomuchrightnow]

walking to car park about 45 minutes ago in front of two women and one said to the other, 'well he is on his benefits but he does a lot of work for cash in hand. I really shouldn't be saying this in public, should I....' (I'm on JSA and desperately applying for all and sundry, so I did shoot round and give her A Look)....

[alltoomuchrightnow]

this is one from my teens but brother and I still use it when anything goes wrong.... we were on a beach in the 1980s near a wee boy with a wonderful Geordie accent (probably my all time favourite brit accent) who was building an impressive sandcastle. Tide suddenly came in and boy runs back to his mother yelling 'mum! mum! me walls are knackered! They're knackered! Me walls are knackered!!'

[kungfupannda]

In a bat enclosure at a wildlife park recently.

Woman to child: Don't be silly. Of course they don't eat people. [pause] They probably eat cattle though.

[acsec]

Many years ago, on the way home from school sitting behind 2 young teen girls, one of which was wearing MASSIVE hoop earrings
Earring girl: Mr Smith finks he's well funny, he goes 'what's the budgie going to sit on today.'
Girl 2: oh yeah he finks he's well funny, what was he talking abaht?
Earrings: I ain't got a clue.

[Flappingandflying]

Flyingboy has all sorts of SEN including autism and, weirdly, speech and language probs despite having a very wide vocab. Due to his dyslexia he listens to audio books. When he was around 8, he got a bit fixated on the word 'perchance'. We think it must have been on an audio book...we don't use it. So we are in Waitrose, near the chickens and he pipes up 'Mother, is it possible, perchance, that we could have roast duck this weekend?' Cue surronding old ladies collectively going ahhhhhhhhh and me . Still sort of expecting to see it on one of these threads...

[tb]

I can remember this one from years and years ago, quite tame by a lot of these.

I was a very young, junior chorister at a wedding. The church had the Vicar's vestry in a corridor just off the chancel, and the wedding party had to walk past the end of the choir stalls when they went to the vestry to sign the register.

As the newest chorister, I was at the end of the stall, and as they all swept past, one of the mothers hissed at her poor husband "Really, George, you should have....".

I couldn't hear what poor George should have done, and really wanted to know as an ear-wigging 10 year old.

[MerlotforOne]

Not overheard, but related by a deflated-looking DH....

DH had recently completed 17 years of medical training and been appointed as a Consultant. He introduced himself to a day case surgical patient - imagine a middle class lady in her 50's...

DH: 'Hello, I'm Dr Merlot, I'm your anaesthetist today'

Patient: 'What are you a doctor of?'

DH: 'Erm, medicine?'

Patient: 'Oh, I didn't know you had to be a doctor to put people to sleep! I thought you just did, you know, a bit of a training scheme.'

[Clawdy]

On a Glasgow bus many years ago, small boy yelling at his mum: "If ya don't let me have it, I'll tell everyone ya pee in the sink!"

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

Once years ago I was forced to endure a group of teenage boys discussing their experiences of anal sex, horrible, truly vile. Should have moved seats.

[Andrewofgg]

Clawdy PMSL. That boy will go far.

[ThreeFrazzledFandangos]

How very dare you is Catherine Tate.

Couple of months ago I was stood in front of a man in B&M. He was on the phone so I could only hear his side but u was raging. I've never wanted to butt in as much in my life.

"Yeah well I was supposed to be babysitting for the ex tonight it's not babysitting when they're you child, dickhead but I've told her she can fuck off.

I'm fucking sick of it mate! I've fucking told her she's screwing her up letting her meet . Yeah well they might have been together a year, but I don't give a fuck.

Then she had the cheek to say I was fucking her up more by me n Lisa smoking weed and doing coke in front of her.

Yeah I know as if that'll fuck up a 4 year old. So I've told her to fuck off and I'm not having her."

He's a charmer eh? Wonder why he's an ex?

[alltoomuchrightnow]

lol at 'had it with slippers' !

[alltoomuchrightnow]

oh just remembered, Skyping my family in Australia on Christmas Day. My parents love to see their grandkids in oz open the presents 'live' each year, which doesn't allow for any censoring / editing ! Everyone tries to get on at once and as DB has 3 kids, it results in chaos.
5 yr old Nephew in background - 'oh NO. Clothes. Boring. But look! look! someone's put a helicopter in with the PJ's!'
DSIL heard in background to DNiece aged 7 - 'Yes I know you have this Lego, but just pretend , and say thank you'. DNiece comes up close again 'thank you Nanna for the Lego that I already have and I didn't want again but I have to say thank you Nanna and can I have loom bands next time Nanna though mummy says no loom bands but I'll hide them in my wardrobe Nanna' . And to me... 'mummy said I'm not allowed to have any more purses, as I have too many. So we're going to give this one to the op shop but I can't tell you that. But what I would like next time is russian dolls things. If it's a purse with russian dolls on, well that will be ok, and I'll hide it from mummy'.