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Original poster

Overheard on the bus

360 replies

AdventuringAbout · 28/12/2014 14:43

Man to partner: It's a lovely day for a walk in the park...
Woman: It is, but there are lots of other things we must do today.

Man: like what?
Woman: well, for one thing, I need to check all the use-by dates of things in the fridge.

Suddenly my day of nappy changes and playing trains seemed much less dull Grin

Any good eaves-dropping round your way?

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/12/2014 18:51

I take a bus or tram to work that are often packed with tourists.

Once, there was a group of British tourists debating where the stop for the trains was. I didn't want to intrude (or show I was eavesdropping. ahem) but did tell them it was here when we got to the stop they wanted. They looked very surprised and someone muttered Oh, you heard us.
Yes, because no one else outside of Britain can understand Brits unless they speak very slowly and loudly. Grin
And they looking around appearing lost didn't attract attention at all.

The other time, was not actually eavesdropping, but I got in a fully packed tram that was terminating at the next stop, which was fine to me. The driver kept informing passengers, but about 95% were foreigners and stayed put. So, I turn to the group next to me and inform them in French that they should switch to the tram just behind. Next thing the tram got empty bar me and two passengers with a child (who also turned out to be foreign but didn't follow all the others like sheep, or deaf).
I felt like David Copperfield. :)

NakedFamilyFightClub · 28/12/2014 19:01

HalfSpamHalfBrisket either he made a habit of it or I was on the same flight as you Grin

Overheard in the gym - "yeah, but he doesn't think you're a prozzie or anything" Confused when two regulars were discussing their night out...

HarrogateMum · 28/12/2014 19:05

I think easy jet flights must be the same the world over. We had one in 2010 when the stewards couldn't stop laughing en route to Cyprus announcing that "the couple in seats 11a and 15f have just joined the mile high club!". Thought they were joking but as we were sat at the back of the plane I asked them and they conformed it was true and that she was meeting her husband at paphos and he was meeting his wife.....they were all over each other at baggage reclaim!! Hmm

Lweji · 28/12/2014 19:13

Ah, on the beach, there were two blokes who worked at the local hospital. It wasn't clear what they were there, but they were discussing a female med student/intern who was from a town further away (1-2 hours) whose mother drove her there every day and waited for her to drive her back home.
And it seems it was that same woman who had suggested giving a patient with anaphylactic shock an antibacterial topical cream. Because it killed the bacteria, you see?

Overheard on the bus
SoonToBeSix · 28/12/2014 19:16

Train guard said on local train " the fat controller has neglected to fix the lift at central station" over the tannoy.

Kez100 · 28/12/2014 19:18

A new neighbour moved in next to my parents. They invited her in and she was surprised by their wonderful view across the Bristol Channel, that her house doesn't have.

"What a wonderful view - Ireland is so clear"

"It is a great view - we love it. But it's Wales"

OhYouBadBadKitten · 28/12/2014 19:20

We were queueing to pay for our Christmas tree. Our queue shuffled past those decorative wooden letters you can buy. The lady behind us told the gentleman she was with that she was collecting them so she could spell 'Merry Christmas' she still needed to buy the letter 'e'. He sounded very puzzled as he replied 'but there is no 'e' in Merry Christmas'. Very strangely she seemed to agree with him.
Unfortunately dd and I were very rude as we couldn't contain our snorts of laughter.

Sister77 · 28/12/2014 19:34

I overheard a couple discussing what they were going to do that night.
Man: I can't wait to get you home and rip your clothes of!
Woman: behave! Someone will hear! (Blushing beautifully)
Man: after I've watched the footie and put the rubbish out and we've eaten and cleared up.
Woman: and to make it clear: your not ripping my clothes of thanks! I'll be taking them of and folding them!

Last of the great romantics?!

Original poster
AdventuringAbout · 28/12/2014 19:45

I'm loving the genetic inability to do your homework!

OP posts:
avocadotoast · 28/12/2014 19:53

At the (busy) bus stop the other day, one (slightly posh) man checking with another that he was at the right stop. I don't think they knew each other but they had a little chat, just exchanging small talk. Then posh chap turns round and comes out with "and don't some of the people on these buses smell?"

Cue everyone at the stop turning and glaring (he had a point though... Grin)

feckitall · 28/12/2014 20:01

I keep snorting with laughter at these,,,DH is glaring at me..I can't think of any myself but please keep them coming Grin

Hurr1cane · 28/12/2014 20:12

I occasionally hear very drunk conversations when I go picking DP up from work.

One was a man telling his mate just how to pull.
"So if she says go back to hers, say yes, always say yes, but don't stay over, if you stay over that's when your wife finds out"

Hmm

Drunk guy at the bar to his mates, pointing at the landlord and his group of friends...

"And anyway they're all homosexualphobes (they aren't gay, or homophobes, I'm not sure what he meant)... I'll take them all on"

He didn't, he saw me looking and ran away, clearly dead hard.

Drunk woman to her mate about me

"Which ones her boyfriend then?"
Her mate points. She looks disappointed and said
"But I've shagged the other ones dad!"

All said at top volume, much to the dismay of DPs colleague.

CombineBananaFister · 28/12/2014 20:22

Overheard - a lady with her daughter stop a waitress in M&S Cafe, absolutely heaving and really long queues - big xmas fayre event.
Lady: 'hi, I just want to pay for these sandwiches and order a drink' - ever so polite.
Waitress: 'Er, of course, if you'd just like to join one of the three queues, they'll help you' smiling
lady: ' but i just want to pay now, can't I just pay for them with you? (waitress)'
waitress: 'No, am sorry, am afraid you'll have to join a queue' (bewildered)
lady: 'But it's ridiculously long and I don't want to wait?'

Whilst I admire her honesty, I was laughing inside at the audacity and the poor waitress who was (whilst remaining polite) looking at her as if to say wtf?!?

atticusfinchatemybaby · 28/12/2014 20:29

Walking through holborn early one summer evening, a very normal/ respectable looking couple crossed road in front of me. All i heard was woman to man, resigned voice, 'so now she just masturbates behind a glass screen'.
Years later i still wish I'd followed them to get the rest of that story. Although sounds like it had already reached its climax, haha.

shouldnthavesaid · 28/12/2014 20:30

I once.got.stuck behind a.couple who had a very weird conversation. The gist of.it was that the womab felt she had rescued the man from a cold and wet sofa. They argued, and she told him he was a stupid bastard, before then standing up and te lling him he looked stupid, because only leprechauns wear green like him. I. nearly howled when he stood up clad entirely in different shades of green

I've also shared a bus with a girl who discharged herself after an overdose and respiratory arrest (stopped breathing). As she proudly told me. She kept.vomiting the whole.way home..

eurochick · 28/12/2014 20:37

My favourite "overheard" anecdote comes from a friend having a long drawn out induction in King's ante-natal ward. As well as a drama in the next bed from the second "wife" of a muslim family having a baby and the first wife arriving (all a bit tetchy, apparently), there was a young girl shouting down the phone from behind a curtain "you better get down 'ere now, cos you're the farver, right, and I'm TEN METERS DILATED".

VashtaNerada · 28/12/2014 20:38

Once at the theatre, just before the play started, a well-spoken woman loudly asked the usher "excuse me, where's the stage?". All the seats were facing it, it was completely bleeding obvious!

waithorse · 28/12/2014 20:41

I absolutely love these.Grin

ThreeFrazzledFandangos · 28/12/2014 20:41

I called our (external) IT support the other week. In the background one of the blokes was having a conversation about his morning trip to the gym.

"There he was stark bollock naked, leg up on the bench beside me. Might as well have dangled his balls over my shoulder!"

Quite hard to hold a conversation about how your laptop won't boot up with that going on in the background.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 28/12/2014 20:51

I have just made a very odd noise at "foof like the Blackwall Tunnel".

Muskey · 28/12/2014 20:52

I have shared this before. I was in asda when I overheard a lady on her mobile phone saying " he can't be your boyfriend he's your brother" ewwwww Shock

Lweji · 28/12/2014 20:54

TEN METERS DILATED".

Imagines tiny baby walking out and looking around baffled.

harderthanitlooks · 28/12/2014 20:56

I was with a friend on the bus standing next to a couple of younger girls they were having the funniest conversation.
Girl one: "my bits are hurting"
Girl two "have you been doing it all night again"
Girl one " no not its not my hole this time its up by my flaps"
I had to get off the bus 5 stops early as I was trying to suppress the laughter.

Marchhairy · 28/12/2014 21:00

In a very run down old mans pub in a village- a couple were having a massive argument, they were both furious and the woman was crying, there was only them and us in the section of the pub.
After a bit The man jumped up and shouted 'I did not eat a whole frozen cauliflower' then stormed out.

AMillionNameChangesLater · 28/12/2014 21:01

I just howled at "foof like the Blackwall Tower"