Overheard on the bus

[AdventuringAbout]

Man to partner: It's a lovely day for a walk in the park...
Woman: It is, but there are lots of other things we must do today.

Man: like what?
Woman: well, for one thing, I need to check all the use-by dates of things in the fridge.

Suddenly my day of nappy changes and playing trains seemed much less dull

Any good eaves-dropping round your way?

On a very packed train coming into Manchester carriage was quite till a little boy at the back shouted
I love your bobbies mummy
My mummy has the best boobies they so soft and squishy
Mummy show your bobbies
I want your boobies

Poor mum was trying to keep son quiet by distracting him but it wasn't working
Dh and I were trying not to laugh dd 15 was mouthing wtf to me and omg

On leaving the train dd said I never having children and if I do I won't be taking them on a train

Just today heading in to Morrisons to stock up on booze bread and milk, DD and I encountered an angry woman heading out with her trolley shouting over her shoulder to her DH/DP 'I've never met anyone as fucking IGNOROUS as you!'

It is mine and DD's new favourite word

Marchhairy that made me laugh, I think I would be on the floor laughing if I ever heard someone say those words.

FIL overheard in the Old Course clubhouse in St. Andrews :

Man 1: did you hear that X and Y are divorced now?
Man 2: oh yes, I heard she got the castle.

The CASTLE!!!

A good few years ago I was on the train to work, it was really windy and gales around the country.
The train stopped mid journey and the driver announced that a trampoline had blown onto the track, over the tannoy he told us that he was going out to move it
"and if I don't come back it's because I'm having to much fun".

Cue a whole carriage full of previously grumpy commuters laughing and smiling.

Our old neighbours were always waking the street up with ridiculous arguments at 2am. One night the shouting started so of course I had a listen. Evidently she had been up town drinking and lost her mates, and so called the boyfriend to collect her. But he hadn't come and she'd had to get a taxi home on her own. She was shouting at him that he wasn't a real man and she hated him and where had he been? He was quiet and she just went on and on and on at him. Then all of a sudden he screamed "I couldn't come because I HAD THE DIARRHOEA!!!" I shut the window and went back to bed after that bit.

Sitting in a restaurant with dh years ago. Elderly well-to-do couple at the next table. Old lady continuously complaining. Running litany of moaning about the service, the food, the fact that the poor waitress had forgotten the veg - she hadn't, she just couldn't carry all the plates at once. Dh and I rolled our eyes at all the whinging. Old man hadn't said a word.

Then she lifted her glass and said 'anyway cheers, happy birthday'.

Poor old chap. We did feel sorry for him.

2 girls were sitting behind me on bus - probably 13 or 14.

Girl 1: My mum's pregnant
Girl 2: That's great, does she know?
Girl 1: Not sure
Girl 2: how do you know then?
Girl 1: she told me last night

Just remembered something I overheard in the ward whilst waiting for DD to make an appearance.

A woman had been making a lot of fuss for hours but midwives kept telling her she wasn't in labour or anywhere close (I was being induced and it was taking hours do't know why she was there)

She started swearing and screaming at a midwife who firmly and quite loudly told her:

"Now listen Madam I do not come to work to be sworn at except by ladies in labour and you are not in labour and right now you are not behaving like a lady either".

Stunned silence ensued!

I was on my lunch break in the town centre and a woman walked past on her mobile phone - I heard "And I'd just had enough. And I said to him, Do you know what, Colin?"
I wanted the follow her to find out what she said to Colin

Three young men at the local sushi buffet last night.

When we sat at the table they were talking about...
football.... no
cars... no
girls... no
drinking...no

Recipes and Béchamel sauce. I almost fainted.

It later turned into wild nights, girls and spending £1000 in one night (sadly I couldn't figure out if it was in drinks or girls as I had failed to eavesdrop the previous part) and some famous person giving lifts. Must train my ears better.

I ordered food at the bar for two of our elderly volunteers who arrived late for our meal out. They wanted the liver that was on the menu.

The food arrived and the waitress was holding it out saying "Two medium lamb's liver?" I heard the two ladies saying "Not ours, we wanted normal liver!"

And on passing a car with the window open the male driver I overhear him say something like "stupid bitch" in an angry voice.
As it clearly wasn't to me, I almost doubled back and asked if that was aimed at the woman sitting with him and, if so, that she should leave the bastard.

I heard this over the tannoy at Kilburn tube station one night having caught the last tube home:

"The last train from this station has now left and this station is now closed... please leave the station. This station has now closed... please leave the station... [beautifully-timed pause] Release the dogs!"

Oh oh I don't know which is my favourite - the blackwall tunnel made me snort my tea, but the trampoline...and "release the dogs"...Too good, all of them!

(Ignorous might be my new favourite word too.)

Ahh, lemon mousse. DH and I were once in a pub when the woman on the next table called her husband an "Igmoramius baaaastard". He had the audacity to ask what she said and she sounded it out for him like this "IG.MOR.A.ME.US", look it up in a fucking dictionary! We were crying with laughter. 10 years on we use the term "igmoramius baaastard"...

After a bit The man jumped up and shouted 'I did not eat a whole frozen cauliflower' then stormed out.

Where to start with this?! :o love it!

Man in a fabric shop to his fiancée in an irate voice: why am I the only one concerned that bridesmaids in purple will clash with the red Carpet in the venue.

He was being a complete arse at the time and I just wanted to scream run for the hills at her

Have told this one on MN but still find it so hilarious. It's an overheard phone conversation:

"Mate, I reckon you need to bum at least 2 more blokes before you're gay"

I so wanted to hear the other side of that conversation!!

working overtime one weekend, hardly anyone in the office. was just packing up when I heard a conversation between two colleagues in a different department.

1 (approx 50s): do you watch I'm a celeb last night?
2 (early to mid 20s, generally quite miserable, no oil painting) no, I don't watch it, it brings back painful memories

I had actually logged off and hand was ready to go, but sat back down and pretended to type for a bit at this point

2: When I was at uni I went out with Matt from busted and how wife is a presenter on it. He left me for her, so it hurts too much to watch it. You won't see any pictures of us together though, my mum shielded me from all that.

I'm sure she elaborated some more, but it was years ago and I'd forgotten until now.

Colleague 1 clearly had no idea who he was, I as sat there and colleague 2 became known to me as glad I crashed the wedding.

I have loads more, but they're conversations I'm part of rather than over heard

This thread is great!

There was a thread like this ages ago, and I still start sniggering when I remember someone's post about overhearing a man on a bus in Glasgow (iirc) describing his girlfriend's pubes.
Apparently she had ginger hair and had had a pubic wax, the result looked like a fishfinger :o

If the poster of that is still here, please come and tell the story properly!

I was once walking up an alley next to a field and close to a fairly busy road.
I noticed a horse had somehow managed to get out of the field. I was worried that it may have got onto the roadand caused an accident so I phoned 101 and reported it. They asked me to stay put and said they would send someone. A policeman turned up quite quickly and the conversation went
Officer - are you the lady who reported the chicken.

Me no I reported a horse. (Points at horse)

Officer - my operators aid it was a chicken

Me - well it's a horse

Officer - maybe you said foal and they heard fowl

Me- no I said its a horse

Officer - are you sure you didn't say foal

Me (getting slightly exasperated) no, I definitely said it was a horse

Officer - well I'm going to need help aren't I.

At which point I left him to it.

Walking through the market, mum infront of me points at something to her DS and says "look darling, there's a piggie".
Look round to see what she's pointing at as clearly we're not at a farm, and it's the butcher's stall, with a pig's carcass hanging from the frame.

Dd was on the bus just before Christmas and heard a little girl tell her mum that someone at school had told her Father Christmas wasn't real. "Is he real Mummy?"
Dd said the whole bus fell silent waiting for the poor mum's reply!