Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

[MrsBertMacklin]

...and I was the only person who laughed.

That was the highlight of my day. Shit.

I've got a few of these, told most before but here goes. Have on more than one occasion when repeating a vehicle registration mark back to a member of the public, said W for wanky, then for some ridiculous reason when trying to correct it said the exact same thing, over and over again! Just could not for the love of all that is holy get out W for whiskey!!

Have also typed on an incident log (which is by the way, not alterable, and might well be read out on a court document). Suspects are believed to be trapped behind the shitter door (shutter door, obvs!).

I am a moron!!

Also, dh had a particularly unpleasant boss, who also was unfortunately not the sharpest tool in the box - used to totally not get rhyming slang, would say 'so for the next work do, will we go for a ruby curry?' Or 'who's got my bill and pen?' He also used to have a habit of accusing people in meeting of 'going off on a tandem'(!) but his best ever, was the day he announced loudly and angrily at a morning briefing 'MINGE MINGE MINGE! I'm so bloody sick of you lot, all you ever do is bloody minge!' Dh and his colleagues almost burst blood vessels trying not to piss their selves laughing at that one, because woe and betide!

After cool scare club.

coming up your behind snigger :-)

The company who sold me coal, when I lived in a Victorian terrace, use to call me each year and ask if I 'wanted a delivery up my back passage' as usual. They MUST have known

I once sent a letter to Bristol Cunty Court.

One of my colleagues once sent out a report on a tenant fit out proposal, except he had entitled it 'Tenant Tit Out Proposals'.

This thread has actually made my day

High end restaurant in New York with then teenage DD & DS. When it came to choosing desert lovely waiter was keen that we should order house special, a tapioca pudding flavoured with coconut & a coriander syrup. Cue chat about English people liking or loathing milk puddings, divided by common language etc.

Different puds ordered, tapioca brought as well. I didn't try it, DS loved it, DD really struggled.

I helpfully said, in crisp English tones, 'Just swallow, darling,' and silenced an entire dining room.

I really do think this might merit a Classics :-)

I used to work in Conveyancing and was going through a Fixture and Fittings list with the vendor when I asked him was he leaving his willy bin behind instead of wheely bin, he was a grumpy sod too and I was mortified.

As a student I worked in a chippy and after a long day asked a customer if he wanted salt and vinegar on his can of coke.

One of my old bosses had a customer who he called Bruce Lee, I assumed it was his name, I was young and a bit too trusting, it wasn't, it was nickname he had for the client which had racist undertones, I had never met the man as it was my second day so when I phoned his business I asked for Mr Bruce Lee I then got a bollocking from the boss for being so stupid. He was a dick and I'm so glad it was a temping place.

I once saw a Chinese takeaway menu with '10% discount' (or whatever' printed as '10% discocunt'.

Have also signed off an email with 'king retards'. Very embarrassing.

I will out myself here. My worst ever was in France (I'm British) and I asked a supermarket worker where the Langue De Chat biscuits were. He looked at me in horror, so I repeated myself thinking that my French was probably horribly accented. I relayed the conversation to a friend who spoke French who told me that I hadn't asked for cats tongue biscuits, I'd actually asked the supermarket worker for… pussy.

Discocunt is my new favourite swear.

The 'Kind retards' typo is a nightmare - I've added a customised autocorrect to all version of Word I use, as it's all too easy to do.

Have also done the 'W for... (struggling to think of anything other than 'wanker).

I used to work in a design agency. Very nice with a kitchen for the staff to use. Except the staff were kind of slobby.

Once global email went round saying, "Will whoever enjoyed their cereal just emptied their bowel into the sink instead of the bin, please not do it again."

In 7 seconds, another global email went around saying, "It was Saleem."

Naturally, Saleem got the huff and emailed everyone seconds later, saying, "I did not empty my bowel into the sink."

I was shuddering with laughter by this point. I'm still not certain if they spotted the typo. I would hope so it being a creative agency full of copywriters.

MiL was looking after poorly DS last week. She sent me a text with a picture of him happily eating some lunch with the text 'DS is fine, he's happily fucking into a peanut butter sandwich'

I didn't have the heart to point out the mistake, but DH and I roared with laughter.

Just looked up nunce!!! Huh!!! Really thought it meant fool or something on that level.
I used to own a jumper that said 'prick' in great big letters. Didn't know what it meant then but it was my fav.

Lucy! Omg! Prick jumper.

I've done an email at work opening with "hey gays!". And one to one of our management (Stu) "hi stud". Cringe! He was not studly.

My mum uses mingey instead of stingy but I'm too embarrassed to point it out. I never even noticed until my ex pointed it out!

I put "going off on a tandem" in a university essay before when I was 19, and I genuinely thought,and insisted, that it was correct. The lecturer pointed out to me that a tandem was in fact a two seated bicycle and I should have put tangent when giving feedback and I was all "Really? Are you sure? No no, I'm certain the saying is tandem". I had gone my whole life thinking it was that, god knows who else I said it to over the years.

A former colleague of mine once got 10,000 sheets of letterhead printed with contact details including the "Minicom number for the dead and hard of hearing"

That was a lot of scrap paper to get through.

*Disclaimer - this was the mid-nineties and terminology has moved on since then.

going off on a tandem makes perfect sense, TBF Lettice.

The school secretary popped into the staffroom and said "Pantry, Mr X (good looking PE teacher) will do you this afternoon instead of this morning, I hope that's alright"
She couldn't understand why everyone started to laugh. When poor Mr X arrived to take my class that afternoon my Classroom Assistant and I kept getting the giggles overtime we caught each other's eye.

i was merrily using spell check at work today..

after clicking send i realised that i had spell checked and corrected the other persons mistakes

Whenever I went shopping with my mother she would buy apples for my father with the phrase 'your dad likes cox'. Cue me falling about Sainsburys in hysterics. Still can't browse the Apple aisle without thinking that now deceased darling father had a penchant for Cox according to mother

I was once playing a board game with my parents. Can't remember what it was called but it was a bit like scrabble only you had to shout out words when you made them.

Towards the end of the game and I'd been stuck with a Q for ages. I was delighted when I finally got a U and managed to make a word. I shouted QUIM at the top of my voice, to be met by a look of horror from my dad.

Mum had no idea what the word meant, and I only realised the second after it came out of my mouth.

We no longer play that game!

Not something I said, but I once accidentally touched my boss' penis.

He snuck up behind me at my desk and I swung round on my swivel chair not realising how close he was and my hand just kind of landed there. Remains one of the most cringy things I have ever done. Probably more so because of the awkward silence afterwards and him then scurrying off into his office without finishing what he was speaking to me about.

These are epic.