Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

[MrsBertMacklin]

...and I was the only person who laughed.

That was the highlight of my day. Shit.

I am laughing my socks off at this thread.

I have just remembered when I was a naive 16 year old office junior, Friday was fish day. As the junior I used to make tea and do the lunch run.

Each Friday I went around everyone and got the lunch requests and then I duly went to the local Fish & Chip shop. One particular older gentleman used to get great pleasure in telling me to ask for 'tail end' of fish. I used to burn with embarrassment when he asked me and again when I asked in the shop.

The shop was always full of workmen too, who never missed an opportunity to pass smutty comments. I used to die of shame

Omg actually crying with laughter here

juliet just be grateful you didn't write "janes cunt details are posted on the notice board for those who want to place their deposits there!"

When I used to work in a ore school we a were an all female staff except one older male who was a fantastic musician. He led who school music session once a week and took it very seriously - and could make up songs to tunes in an instant.
One day we were doing pets and he was singing "this is the way I ...." To mulberry bush. A child chose a soft toy cat and stroked it. Teacher says oh stroke the cat - child says no the Pussy.
And so we found ourself singing his - and I have no idea how

I once processed correspondence from a government department at the end of which the official calmly pointed out that our official submission (think legally-binding public document) had had "shite" throughout where, he suggested, "white" was probably what we were after.

Disclaimer: I had had nothing to do with the creation of the original.

I've previously discussed my "discharge" problems with a visiting equipment engineer - he said he couldn't help
Also, trying to spell my name for a non-English IT help guy on the phone, the only word I could think of beginning with N was..... Naughty (bangs head on desk)
I've since learnt the NATO phonetic alphabet

These are hilarious!
I've drawn more than one diagram on the board in my classroom that looked like a knob and another that looks like a boob. I now copy relevant diagrams from google images into PowerPoint.
A friend of mine doing a science PGCE taught a whole lesson about creepy crawlies because she was worried she would say orgasm instead of organism!

Snowballs, I've done the phonetic 'Naughty' too! The person on the other end of the line hooted with laughter.

Aw that's my first ever response on MN, thanks Only! I feel like I really exist now! (Disclaimer: am ill and maudlin)

Friend inheritated her grannies flat and she was wanting to keep its original fittings but was having the walls sorted so she phoned a man to come in and take off her dildo rail

snowballs you just made me cry with laugher.

I was once spelling my name out in a meeting, say my name was sarah, I said it is S for simon. Everyone looked up and asked why I didn't just say, S for Sarah? No idea.

If I'm in a meeting and some talks about a new process and says "we will just have to suck it and see" I can't stop laughing. I get a mental picture of... well you know what.

and for Snowballs (unless you're ill with a stomach bug or something, sorry ...!)

When my mother thinks someone need to show more enthusiasm she says 'they need to get a bit of jizz about them'. I just can't bring myself to tell her.

The bank was crowded, we had several shops still to call at and as some we'd already been to hadn't got what we'd asked for, we'd had to change our planned schedule. I wasn't sure where the next port of call was so I asked dd (late teens) who has a very good memory where we were going next. "The Mile High shop" she said, into one of those silences where a solitary voice echoes to every ear in the room.
Our destination was The Mile Grocer's shop.

When i was 15 I went to France to stay with my pen friend. My French wasn't very good. I was a very fussy eater and wasn't enjoying one family meal at all. I tried to say that I was full "je suis pleine" but couldn't understand the shocked reaction I got, until the father (a doctor) explained that this actually meant "I am pregnant"...

In fact on a later trip to France (my French hadnt improved much), I accidentally told a French male friend that "je suis en chaleur", thinking this meant I was hot. I didn't - it meant I am on heat... I gave up French after that

The thermostat on the Aga had a couple of millimetres of mercury come loose and they had moved about half an inch in front of the main mercury line so after endlessly messing about with the controls I was unsure about the actual temperature it was running at. The thermostat itself is deep inside an Aga and the only way to replace one is to dismantle the Aga from the top. I rang the Aga centre to ask for an engineer to visit and look at it and the lady said "I'll send Fred on Tuesday but he'll have to take your top off"

flossyfloof that reminds me of playing scrabble with an ex's great aunt once. She was a very sweet old lady and we all had a good giggle once we realised that rude words weren't officially forbidden; I remember her murmuring to herself 'shit?....Shittery?' over her hand of letters. Ex and I were in stitches.

My Nan, describing how my parents were probably enjoying the weather on holiady: "well, they'll probably be spitroasting in the sun by now".

I bloody hope not.

My Dad had a dildo rail too. He was also a fan of "Jan Dildo". (Jill Dando).

My DDad came to visit and we took him out for a meal. Pizza Express was full so he said maybe we should go to "that other one you mentioned: Jizzis".

Pizza with chef's special sauce anyone??

A friend of mine who is a pharmacist just caught at the last moment that she had written on a label 'to be taken with food or full-fat milf'.

I was in a team meeting once full of doctors, consultants etc, discussing various cases, when one of the consultants ( male), stood up, excused himself, and announced he was just going to pop out for a 'Tommy Tank '!?

He left, I, along with some others had to explain the joke, and he was mortally embarrassed when he returned from 'taking a leak'. Unfortunate mix up.

I was once rushed off my feet at work and quickly typed an RSVP for my boss to attend a charity event with a Countess. I missed out the 'o'.

I only noticed it after I pressed send it was on the message title as well.

At work I was at a group where people had name-badges and as you can imagine there were various standards of handwriting. Somebody's badge read "Vicar [Surname]" and I asked him how long he'd been a Vicar.

He told me he had been Victor since his mother named him 40 years ago. I don't know who was more embarrassed. Me, him, or all my colleagues.