If you fart in the bath

[JazzAnnNonMouse]

Are you washing in poo particles?

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

Our farts are entirely gaseous.

Before this thread I thought mine were too :(

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

I did a pump that sounded the the creaky door of a haunted house the other day. DH was away , gutted I had no one to discuss it with.

[GemmaTeller]

We go up to uni to see DSD and inevitably go to Nandos.

Walking round the shops later she sidles up to either DH or I and whispers 'I'll leave that for you....' bitch has only silently farted and left us with the smell

Ask DH about the worst fart ever and he'll say my son when he was about 16, he'd had a takeaway the night before then we'd had curry for tea the following day.
Lets just say it was chemical with a capital C...

[Pictabogie]

Best bottom burp (BBB) ever. I was about 9 and on bus trip to go on holiday. Eating crisps, sweets, fizzy juice and all that shite. Felt a bit poorly so lay across my mum and dad's lap (with arse facing aisle) to go to sleep. Woke myself up hearing the most amazing trumpeting sound, turned round and saw everyone on bus staring at my arse in amazement!
Quite proud of that.

[Crumbelina]

My cat acts like a haughty madam, but her farts smell like they've come from the depths of hell.

[Alicebannedit]

Pacific at the end of the article you mention on p5 it says

"It seems, therefore, that flatus can cause infection if the emitter is naked, but not if he or she is clothed. But the results of the experiment should not be considered alarming, because neither type of bacterium is harmful. In fact, they're similar to the friendly bacteria found in yoghurt."

Should we not all take comfort from that

[CastilianHhhhidalgo]

creaky door of a haunted house

And that has completely finished me off

[Tipsykisses]

So what do you call the bottom burps in your homes ?
How many names are there for trumping and does what you call them vary in different areas of the world ???


Ours are

Dd -princess puffs
Ds- cut the cheese
Dp- Farts
Me- bum talking

[Crumbelina]

Parps. Playing the parpsichord. Playing the bum trumpet.

[AddictedtoCrunchies]

I got up for a wee the other night and did my usual 'try not to open your eyes' trick. As I walked back into the bedroom and along the end of the bed, DH let out, what I can only describe as a 'raucous fart' which literally made me jump in the air with fright.
Cue the pair of us collapsing into fits of giggles for about an hour.
Love a bit of fart humour, am crying at this thread.

[Tipsykisses]

Crumbelina
Will pinch playing the parpsicord !!!
My pops is like a rocket , we are surprised he hasn't propelled himself across the room !
My Dc will laughs so much at "pops play in the parpsicord "!

[Pishedorf]

DD (3) and I were in the supermarket one afternoon after pick up from pre school. Standing in the middle of the fruit aisle she turns to me with the biggest grin and shouts 'mummy! I've just done a stinky trumpet!!!' I was in stitches. Unfortunately the old dear with the cats bum mouth standing by the strawberries clearly wasn't impressed...

[WeAreAllStarDust]

Oh everybody I haven't giggled and tee hee'd so much in a long time.

I thank you

[bluebump]

We popped over to the shop one evening the other week to grab some bits and whilst in the queue my 5 year old let off a huge fart. As it was the evening there were only a few of us in the shop and most of them were in the queue with us. The man being served at the till turned around with a face and said "who was that?" whilst looking at me, I replied "NOT ME" rather loudly, the old lady behind piped up "NOT ME" too whilst my DS burst into hysterical laughter. The poor lady behind the till was crying with laughter.

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

My gran used to say "who has let Polly out of the cage" in a faux posh voice. DD rolls around when I say it

[LegArmpits]

I was once in a very busy queue in Waitrose, when my DD (about 3 at the time) loudly declared "I just did a GUFF."
She followed it up with "out of my FOOF."

[awsomer]

out of my FOOF

Can't breathe...

[Menara]

Thanks everyone for much needed laugh! Laughed so loudly my 4 month old woke up!

[TheCSLibraryPree]

I used to look after a very academic elderly gentleman (well into his 90's) who, while not English, had very 'proper' British gent ways about him. When I used to help him get up, washed and dressed in the mornings we'd sometimes have the inevitable morning emissions.

He'd look at me with surprise on his face and ask "What was that?" Not wishing to draw his attention that it was him, I always without fail, replied "The birds in the trees!"

[shitatusernames]

Have been reading this thread, I've nothing to add apart from well done on getting this to the classics, have been nearly peeing myself with laughter

[TheCSLibraryPree]

Had to post this separately to my last comment to enable full impact.......

This afternoon I spent a lovely couple of hours with DP including going to the pub for lunch. We often chat about the things I read on here and today that included this thread.

We wheezed with laughter as we made our way through 5 pages of the thread then, on p6, came across the comment about a face fart while involved in a little 'ladies and gentlemen' and were almost wetting ourselves!!

All I will say now is that it will be forever known in our household as a "69 with a side of face fart"!! Oh, and I'm never going to be able to go to bed with DP without cracking up with laughter at the thought that we might get caught out in a similar fashion!!

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

I've stopped sleeping naked because of this thread, don't want to leave farty poo crumbs in the bed.

[GalaxyInMyPants]

Dh is trying to convert our entire town to vegetarianism by doing nasty stinky farts in the meat aisle in Tesco every time we go in.

[BigChocFrenzy]

Tipsy's DH was presumably worried about a further 67 to follow

Plan your excuse ahead of social occasions
BUT
if you want to blame the dog, first make sure there is a real live dog in the house

For dogless parties, I recommend the "crop dusting" tactic:
Walk very fast around the room so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. It helps to glare at someone after you stop.

[shitatusernames]

And I'll add that DD1 came downstairs laughing her head off at me farting in the bath last night, they are better out than in is all I say