If you fart in the bath

[JazzAnnNonMouse]

Are you washing in poo particles?

As I keep telling the DSs, this is why ladeez don't fart. Ever.

Why all staff in operating theatres should keep their kecks on AT ALL TIMES

You're all v welcome; it's a public service I provide.

My bottom usually produces farts of no consequence.

One night in 2003 I was asleep next to my husband who was still awake reading. A fart blasted out of my bottom with such noise and fury that I was startled awake. I turned to my amused husband and as I did so some of this fart seeped out from under the duvet. I have described it since like a horse had died in my pants, but that doesn't really do it justice. We slept in an attic room and as the otherworldly stench of the fart hit us , we rose as one and lunged for the velux window, wordlessly hurtling ourselves half out of the house and gasping for air against the roof tiles. We still talk about it now and shake our heads in disbelief. Since then my bottom has gone back to innocent everyday emissions. But I no longer trust it.

This is hysterical - why do I always read these threads before I try to sleep ?

Pacific just HOW did you learn of that article?

"splatter ring"

I still remember a fart I did when I was about 14.

We were staying in a chalet in the new forest and my parents had gone to the on site club for a drink. I didn't want to go so I stayed behind. I was sat doing a crossword, at the little table on a chair that had a plastic, padded seat.

Felt the urge and being alone, let fly.

It sounded like ripping fabric and lasted for a good 8 seconds. I know this because I started timing it when it became clear that it was going to be an unusually long one.

It was so memorable that if anyone ever mentions chalets or the new forest the first thing that springs to mind isn't ponies or trees; it's "that really really long fart"

I have a theory about the effect of reduced atmospheric pressure (aircraft cabins) on the volume of intestinal gas. I am in no doubt At All that a good 'rolling rumbler' session is highly likely during a flight - and, interestingly, they don't smell as much as at ground level. Thoughts, anyone?

I remember when DH first farted near me.

We hadn't been going out long and he came to see me in the nurses halls of residence. I'd cooked him a meal, and had just taken the plates back to the kitchen and came back to my room. As I opened the door the stench hit me and it was so bad I heaved! He was mortified, but I started to laugh because I couldn't believe a human could make that smell!

More recently, we were in Wilkos looking at something and he scurried off! I was stood there and smelt a rancid smell. The bastard had farted and left, so it looked like I had done it. The other people in the aisle looked at me as if I was a filthy cow!

I still cringe at the memory of going into the public loos at the same time as my new MIL and hearing her fart as she sat down.
You don't expect MILs to do that.

Two situations guaranteed to result in a good fart are (1) on waking. I swear dh knows to stick the kettle on for my morning brew when he hears the massive morning trump and (2) getting in the car after a day at work. Sometimes I then realise that I have to collect someone one the way home so drive there in the pissing rain with the windows wide open so I dont gas them when they get in.

Oh god DH is terrible for farting in shops!

In fact we were wandering round Curry's today - each meandering separately - and I could practically retrace his steps with my eyes shut. Every so often I'd come across a small pocket of stinky air where he'd paused, perused an item, dropped a little puff and moved on

More recently, we were in Wilkos looking at something and he scurried off! I was stood there and smelt a rancid smell. The bastard had farted and left, so it looked like I had done it. The other people in the aisle looked at me as if I was a filthy cow!

DSis and I used to do this to each other but realised that the manic giggles gave us away. So now if one of us says "Leg it!" we know that the other one had let one go and we have our fits of giggles somewhere else in the shop! I am 41 and she is 39, there is no age limit on fart humour in my world!

This thread is making me proper laugh!

The roof caving in....so funny!

I can't leg it Bogey, I walk with crutches so I can only hobble!

I now have tears running down my face at the pockets of air in Currys

I guess I have something to be grateful for being single

Exh used to 'waft' the covers that's why he's my ex

Fairy borrow a toddler, you can blame anything on them! I can lend you mine if you like :o

Ok seriously its nearly 4am and I just laughed out loud at this!

I've woken ds up with my laughing so that's my punishment for reading mn at this ungodly hour. Thanks ladies!

Ok now I've got ds back to sleep I might as well share my own story for giggles.

Dh had driven us to wickes for some diy material as we were doing out our house, I got back in the car while he put the trolley away and while he was gone I got the urge to let one go.. I never farted in front of dh so I let rip while he was away thinking I'd be safe.

Dear holy jesus on a bicycle, it bloody reeked! I desperately opened the door in an attempt to waft the epic stench away as my dh was returning to the car. It didn't work. My dh got in the car, pulled a face and said "have you farted?"
I panicked and tried to blame the stench on the energy drink he had.

He didn't believe me lol

To this day he still teases me about the epic wickes car park fart.

Was just trying to bf DS back to sleep and woke him up laughing at all these
Dp has now taken over while I compose myself, he clearly thinks I'm nuts

Someone mentioned about her DH farting on a leather surface
one should never fart on anything but a soft surface.
My best friend thought she would sneak one out in a beer garden (courtyard really) but was sat on a plastic chair. Oh my word.... it was like a thunderclap. Everyone paused like a stranger had walked into a saloon.
I still laugh 12 years on

My favourite responses to different farts:

Sorry I just trod on a duck (quacky ones).

I'll name that tune in one! (the ones that go up an octave at the end).

Keep calling Sir, we'll find you! (rumbling ones that sound like they're coming from a deep place).

And my all time favourite in response to a squeaky one (which will only make sense if you're old enough to have watched the Sooty show)......... What's that Sweep?

Walkacrossthesand I totally agree! Especially on long-haul flights, I fart all the time during those so keep my blanket tucked tightly around me. Usually they don't smell but I have produced in-flight stinkers before so take no chances!!

DH (who's away) has just sent me a text to share the news that he's just done an eggy fart!!

Of course reduce cabin pressure in aircrafts has an effect on gas expansion and subsequent release.

Whistling, that article is relevant to my area of professional expertise

Has anyone tried flatulence filtering underwear?

Am I the only one not on farting acquaintance with my partner?