Things you never hear a toddler say

[Kasterborous]

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

Oh I see, that is raw minced beef that you are going to cook for dinner. Yes, you're right, it isn't a suitable toy for me. Why on earth would I want to play with raw meat?!

Yes trying to climb into the kitchen cupboards is dangerous. I won't do it anymore.

'Yes, Mummy, as it is someone else's garden I had better not walk on the flowerbeds'.

Yes Mummy - of course Daddy can put me to bed/in the car seat seat/give me my bath.

I agree it's a very good idea to turn the TV off for while

I think I've had enough chocolate for today.

Although I am obviously very lucky as my toddler does say I'm tired, it's bedtime now mummy.

Yes, I totally understand why you won't give me another tuna sandwich after I ate one bite of the first one and then threw the whole thing down for the dog. I will not scream 'More!' and cry. In fact, I will eat the tuna sandwich nicely from now on. That means you won't have to try me with a bit of last night's dinner instead. However, if you did try me with last night's dinner, I would eat it at once and not arch backwards to get away from it while screaming 'No!'.

Why would I want to stand on your knee and bounce while you eat your lunch, having totally given up on trying to get me to eat anything? That sounds silly. So does pulling your crumby plate out from under your sandwich when you aren't paying attention to me, causing you to drop tomato down your front.

Yes, I do understand that your money is finite and you can't buy me every toy in the shop. After all, where would I put them?

'Please don't tickle my shoulders I hate it' (DD has been saying all afternoon 'tickle my shoulders Mummy' then laughing her head off)

Yes mummy I'll get straight in the car, there's absolutely no need for me to lug two bags and a bucket of soft toys and paraphalia with me everywhere.

Alternatively, it is absolutely fine with me if you carry them to speed things up a bit.

*paraphernalia

Oooh yes, I'd love to be a pageboy in a cute little suit. I won't drop the rings or take my trousers off in church, I'm a big boy now.
You can photograph me kissing the bridesmaids and this time I won't drink everybody's dregs and throw up.
No, I don't need to take my digger and my fire engine and 4 Macdonald's toys to the wedding.

You won that game. Well done Mummy!

Sounds like he had a good time at the wedding Bakewell!

Toddler days are long gone, but these are making me howl.... mind you I could probably start a thread of things you'll never hear a preteen or teen say either - astonishingly some of them are similar.

norarguments there is a thread at the moment on what teenagers will never say. It's where I pinched the idea for this thread from.

Noarguements, I have 2 toddlers, a teen and a preteen and sometimes I forget which is which with the way they behave!

Of course it's fine if Daddy comes and sorts me out in the middle of the night. That's just fine Mummy, you stay in bed.

And following on from that...

Why would I need you to put my duvet cover on, find my snuggle... After all I am 3 now.

"Oh I'm sorry, you're on the loo, I'll give you some privacy."

You can have 5 minutes peace as I can see you don't feel well! I'll entertain myself.

I don't want to know Why

I understand the portable potty is for emergencies (and I should really go when you tell me mummy) I shouldn't fool you by saying I need a wee and then doing an enormous stinky poo in it while Mummy is in a posh shops changing rooms.

Why on earth would I want to howl like I'm being murdered when you try to put cream on my rash? Ridiculous notion!

That's not mine? Oh, OK then!

Oooooo Mummy, my dinner looks delicious!

I don't want to watch telly, it's boring.

'Mummy/daddy dear, I appear to have chucked my new shoes/gloves/glasses/one of my socks over the side of the pram/buggy. I thought it would be helpful to tell you before we got a mile up the road'.

DD once, just once asked to go for a nap! I was really excited, we got to her cot and she refused to go in it. I thought it was too good to be true.

Please could you pass me my colouring book mummy? I have a sudden urge to scribble and I wouldn't want to do it on the table/dsis' book/this library book.

No, I think today I won't pour my milk all over my highchair and then rub my hands all over the puddle, I'd get my clean clothes wet and you would have to mop the floor. No, today I'll just sit and drink it with minimal mess mummy.

Would you be so kind as to help me with my yoghurt? I know that usually I shout ask you to help me and then scream when you try to take the spoon but I won't do that anymore. I've also decided to give up wriggling and screaming when you pick me up to cross the road, I can see now that you are only trying to keep me safe.

And things my 6yo would never say : ok mum, today I'll let dsis play with her toys without trying to get involved. I can see she's happy to play there quietly on her own at the moment so I won't snatch that character off her, I'll play with some of my own, more age appropriate toys.

'I wouldn't dream of running across the road without you Mummy and scaring you to death. In future I will hold your hand very nicely without making a fuss'

You know, the cake doesn't taste different, the baby gate is still open, and my nappy is successfully changed if Daddy does it. I will not have a huge tantrum just because he wants to parent me too, but then whine when he goes to work. I can see why that would make him a bit sad and mummy very tired.

These are all so very excellent. We've made a page of some of the best ones. Perhaps print them out and show them to the DC as inspiration? One can dream...

Ginger I can complety agree and empathise on that one, with regards to Daddy!

Like this one 'yes Mummy I can hand Daddy my water beaker when I have finished with it, especially when he's sat right next to me, rather then crossing the room to give it to you'

Put it in classics mumsnet you know you want too then I can show DD when she's older!