Things you never hear a toddler say

[Kasterborous]

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

I didn't laugh like a drain this morning when I pinched my brothers Frube yogurt when you weren't looking, had a massive meltdown when I couldn't get the top off, threw it on the floor and it exploded. On the carpet. I might have put my hands in it. I might have put my hands on the settee. And the wall. And the dog. And my clothes so you had yo dress me - again. Sorry.

"Of course I will carry the jelly all the way home without trying to eat it and screaming if you try and take it away."

"Yes, you're right Mummy, that bag of shopping you're struggling to carry will of course be too heavy for ME to carry, I will stop screaming that you give it to me RIGHT NOW."

"Now I have stopped demanding to carry the shopping, I won't insist to be 'up with mummy' and sing jelly on plate while wriggling all the way up that very steep hill to our house."

"You know, all this would have been much easier if I had just got into the pushchair in the first place wouldn't it mummy, I think I'll do that next time."

Thank you mums of mumsnet with your toddlers that do all the same things as my toddler and made me cry with laughter after spending the morning thinking I was a disaster because dd does the hair thing, the nappy thing, the food thing, the nap thing, the toy thing.....

Time for wine.

Great memes MNHQ

A lot of these would work just as well in the things my teenager would never say thread.

'Mum, I wonder what the weather will be like today, I would like to dress appropriately'

Let's put my eczema cream on now, Mummy! It's probably easiest if I stand quietly like this and don't scream/wriggle/lash out, isn't it?

"Yes, I won't be underfoot risking you tripping over me and possibly hurting both of us.
I'll just wait patiently while you are hurrying to make my juice and a won't cry as I can see it doesn't make you go faster or feel calmer"

I don't WANT to be a dinosaur!

Remind me again: which is the really gentle, quiet dinosaur?

Dino Dan is rubbish. What else is on?

Aarghh, Dinopaws? Can't we just watch the news?

Oh, FGS, Daddy. If I have to sit through Walking With Dinosaurs again I swear I will have a major tantrum.

I've finished with that Dinosaur book that Granddad helpfully bought me. You may now put it into storage.

VictorianDaddy I take it your toddler just hates dinosaurs

'No I won't insist on taking one of my bigger toys in my cot while I have a nap, because there won't be much room for me'

@Kasterborous

Put it in classics mumsnet you know you want too then I can show DD when she's older!

Your wish is our command...!

Yes mummy of course I can still eat my Babybel now it has toast crumbs on it because I put it on my toast plate even though you gave it to me in a separate dish. Why on earth would I need to scream at you to take the toast crumbs off it... That would just be rather rude and slightly neurotic.

No of course I don't mind while you play on your computer instead of paying attention to me 100% of the day, and naturally I won't be pushing all the keys on your laptop keyboard, including the power button, to get you to stop!

I'm sorry Mummy, I didn't realise throwing my food was such a nuisance, I will instantly cease and desist.

Oh is my dropping of my water bottle onto the floor for the 1000th time annoying you? I won't do it any more then.

I bet you are glad I'm consistent and predictable in what I want.
It's an added bonus that I'm able to articulate my thoughts without having to impresonate an ambulance/animals.
often simultaneously

Thanks AmyMumsnet DD is going to be hearing of this thread when she's older.

'No Mummy I won't leave my water beaker upended on the sofa with the spout open without you noticing, and pointing towards your bum so it makes you think you wet yourself'

I promise to play quietly Mam and not run around giving you a near heart attack every time I narrowly miss the furniture or door frames.

Poor Mummy, you've been sat on the toilet crying for ages! I don't know what piles are but I'm going to help. First I'm going to get the new baby out of her basket and play with her...

the red cup will do.
really.

I think I would like to eat my tea. I am hungry from not eating for three days, and it will help me sleep all night so you can drive home safely from Granny's tommorow. It is a long journey and I agree, there is only so much Red Bull one person can drink.

Of course I don't want to wear my uv swimsuit on the walk to collect Dsis from school - that would be ridiculous it's February!

Yes, I know! You don't have to state the bloody obvious, I'm not a child FFS!

'Yes you can finish making your cup of tea before you read me this book, I don't need you to read it RIGHT NOW'

Daddy do it

I'd best not stamp in that- these aren't my Wellies

Could you put my hat back on please

Actually, could you do this task for me? It'll be so much faster that way.

I expect dinner will be delicious. I'll save these crackers for afterwards so as not to ruin my appetite.

You're right Mummy, it's better if important items are left where they belong. I certainly wouldn't dream of putting your mobile in the washing machine. Or the home phone in the microwave. Or your purse in the kitchen bin. Or your credit card in my toy box...

I see DSis is waiting in the buggy for us to go out. Do not worry, mother, I shall get my shoes on speedily without a fuss because I wouldn't want my sister to be waiting there for too long.

Mummy, I do understand that you won't want to spend your hard-earned money at the petting zoo that you promised to take me to today quite as much if I tantrum about thirty things this morning. I'll just let you get everything ready, and then we'll go.