Things you never hear a toddler say

[Kasterborous]

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

of course I understand that my imaginary friend does not need a birthday every day

Please put my hat on for me mummy, I don't want to get sunburn

Can I go in the playpen now please Mummy? I think I need to calm down for a while

The tablet? No I don't want to play with that thanks.

I'm sorry Mummy I didn't mean to throw water all over the floor

Of course I'm going to eat it all and not put it on the floor/through my hair/down my nappy [how does that even happen??]

No, I don't want to take the spoon thanks, I'm happy for you to do it

Wow the kitchen is really boring isn't it

Can I have the bedcovers on me now please?

I'd like to go to sleep on my own, could you go away please?

You're right, I should stop rocking this chair until it falls over and I faceplant on the floor [still waiting for this outcome...]

I'll just put all the DVDs back in the rack then, shall I?

and loads more...

Yes mummy, I imagine you would rather watch something other than CBeebies. How's about I sit and entertain myself quietly over here for a bit while you watch your programmes?

Yes, I expect it would be better if I didnt climb all over you and my little sister while she's breastfeeding. No, I don't suppose she wants me to lean on her head. I'll carry on with whatever I was doing before I noticed she was getting more attention than me.

Bedtime, you say? Marvellous. I'll just put these toys away and choose a story, then I'll scamper up the stairs quick quick and get in the bath with no messing about. I'll even let you wash my hair without any fuss.

Oh go own then.wash my hair,I won't scream I promise you

Mummy my nose needs blowing

No I don't want that chocolate thanks

Milk? nah.

Yes I want my proper cup instead of your glass, I realise your glass is dangerous

No I don't want to climb onto the toilet to grab the cleaning fluids from the window sill, nor do I want to climb the bookcases, don't be silly!

On reflection.mother you're right.climbing the cd rack isn't such a good idea

'Yes I would love to sit nicely in my chair while you eat your dinner Mummy and not constantly say, bib off, get dooowwn now. Wahhh'

'Yes I should be careful while hurling myself all over the sofa, so I don't fall off and bang my head'

She's just done this for the third time today.

'I would love an apple, I want it peeled, you took too long peeling it, I don't want it now, Mummy eat it (Mummy eats it), I want my apple now'

'I won't have a screaming meltdown if you accidentally move one of my lined up cars by one millimetre'

I will just walk calmly past the balloon display and not have a screaming fit that you won't buy me one.

Of course you can have a go on the iPad mummy and yes, of course I will stop playing my Peppa Pig game on it without howling.

I understand completely that my favourite DVD now has a crack in it because I hurled it across the room and therefore it won't now play.

in a whisper:

"That lady over there is quite large but I don't want any more details and am not going to mention it again"

'Yes I remember that just yesterday you spent ages sweeping up all the sand I'd thrown all over the patio, and sieved all the stones out of it, and filled my sandpit with it again. I'll try really hard to keep it there honest. And I won't go and fill it up with stones again.' Sigh. This is a regular job now. What is it with stones?

'I will try and keep some of the water in my bath and not splash and chuck it all over the bathroom'

'I understand that no means no, and yes means yes, and ne'er the twain shall meet. I further recognise that continuing to persist will result in an annoyed mummy. Since I don't want that I shall cease and desist immediately.' - a good general rule that is never unbroken in toddlerdom. Or childdom for that matter!

My son always washes his hands after going to the toilet
his nursery teachers always tell me he's been washing his hands
for most of the day because he enjoys it he must be the cleanest
toddler I know as he is obsessed with the bath and shower too
but I agree with the comment MotherOfDragon made about hair washing.
He also asks to go to bed at bedtime and sometimes even before
but on the odd occasion he will say no to bedtime.He also
doesn't draw on the walls but he is a nightmare for climbing on everything.
He also prefers my plate to his own.
He can also walk for at least an hour before getting tired
He loves lie ins so I'm constantly having to wake him up
He's just turned 2 maybe I have a little angel after all :)

You'll pay for it when he's a teenager

What? Brush my teeth? I'd love to, thank you mummy.

No, of course I understand that you are hungry and tired, so I don't really need you to snuggle with me for hours. You go right ahead and go downstairs for your tea.

No, I definitely don't need that exact toy right now just because my sister is playing with it. Especially as I have paid it no attention what so ever for months.

'Look Mummy I'm being careful'

Yes, I will sit in the stroller with no fuss as I can see it is raining/we are running late, and I appreciate that my snails pace walking style will only make us both wetter/later.!

mercedes your DC can move in with me. I eat a jam and cheese sandwich. Infact i had one this morning. Very normal in Norway..

Since you have spend the whole day catering to my every need and daddybis now home. I will leave the two of you alone and eat my dinner in quietly so thst the two of you can have an uninterrupted chat for one second.

To be fair on her she we have no problems with getting dressed, eating or tantrums. The only issue is she wants ALL of our attention at all times and that can be tiring. Much to do with DC2 on the way though but all in all i have a very laid back easy going toddler.

babyhinder wait til he is 4 then come back and tell us.

DS2 could not pronounce "tr...": it always came out as "f...". Thus, trees were fees, trouble was fubble and trucks were a problem (esp as he always wanted them)!