Things you never hear a toddler say

[Kasterborous]

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

'Ah thank you Mummy for bringing the extra milk that I insisted on. Now I'll drink it rather than tipping it on the cat'

'I remember, last time I hit the cat she scratched me so I definitely won't hit her again'

Hhhhhmmmm 'what's that I hear, the microwave? OK I'll sit here quietly until it pings and I definitely won't throw a tantrum because my milk isn't ready'

'I agree, the cat is overweight and really doesn't need more than 3 treats tonight'

'Since Daddy was at work the last 35 times I asked you, I won't bother asking again'

'No you're right, that noise probably isn't a helicopter so don't bother picking me up to the window'

It's ok mummy I know you've read Cock A Moo Moo lots of times, I'll find another book.

'Since the book Dave makes me cry everytime you get to the page where he farts, I'd prefer a different book this bedtime'

'High-pitched screaming in Sainsbury's cafe is sooooo yesterday'

Am so pleased to discover my toddler is normal!

School (kindergarten) morning joys:

'Since I really really want to take my doll's pram to school I realise we have to get out earlier than usual, so I will cooperate to the fullest and be as quick as possible'.

'After the few hundred school mornings we've had already i realise that I need to keep still while you're fixing my hair the way I asked. I won't wriggle and twist like an electric eel but claim I'm being still at all.'

'Of course little brother can hold that toy. I'm holding this one, and my pram, after all.'

'Certainly I won't ram little brother with my pram. How uncivilised. The very idea!'

"You're right Mummy - the fact that we're walking down Glastonbury High Street does not automatically mean that every woman we walk past is a witch, and I would not dream of loudly insinuating that they are"

Oh, so the tongue up the nose thing is not attractive? Okay I will stop doing it and blow my nose nicely like any other child.

I am a big girl now and understand cause and effect, and wholeheartedly agree with Einstein that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome.

This is why, standing up for the tenth time in a row in my cot, I will not fling myself backwards shouting 'weeeeeeee!' and then scream blue murder when I clonk my head. Again.

I agree, Playdough is not a food. Nor is my twin.

If my sister jumped off a cliff I DEFINITELY would not jump too.

I am fully aware that pudding comes AFTER my main course. That seems eminently reasonable.

I love brushing my teeth. I will exert maximum effort and not just suck the paste off my brush. I want to have lovely, shiny, clean teeth like a tiger.

Oh PLEASE shampoo my hair Mummy. PLEASE!

I have a rudimentary grasp of maths now, and understand the fact there are two of me and my twin and only one of you Mummy. Each of us having one of your knees makes a huge amount of sense. As does you reading a book to us both at the same time. Look! We can both see it!

Oh it's still seems dark, yes I'm right, therefore it must not be the morning so I won't wake anyone up, ill just settle down until its morning.

Of course tomato soup isn't a normal breakfast item! What was I thinking, yes porridge it is please.

Great, let's try it your way.

we have a similar problem with the inability to pronounce 'cl' (it comes out as 'c') and repeatedly pointing and shouting at clocks....

You're right mum, I should probably eat these carrot sticks rather than the just using one of them as a vehicle to get the humus in my mouth.

At playgroup this morning 'yes Mummy I want to go and play inside now, no I won't want to go back outside the second you get my hat and coat off, no I won't want to go back inside after you have put my coat and hat back on and we have set one foot outside. I won't repeat it ten times, until I make my mind up'

"Shall I go and play quietly with some of my toys?"

"I think I'll have a lie-in tomorrow, it is the weekend after all, and I am rather tired."

"Would you like to have one of your programmes on the tv?"

Oh please do wipe my snotty nose for me, thank you mummy.

'I will never change my mind which biscuit I want'

"It's 3am. Hmmm, I'll just lie here quietly until I drop off again."

It's probably better to poo in the toilet, rather than the bath, or my pants.

Of course I do want the food I asked for! Whoever heard of a child who was so silly as to ask for food and then not eat it?!

Time to get out of the bath, you say? I shall stand up to let you lift me safely out.

Your back is aching because you have been holding me all morning? You should have said! I'd have been more than happy pottering around on the floor while you got on with the housework using both your hands!

'Of course I will share my chocolate with my fellow toddler'

"Oh, Mummy, you look exhausted! I'll go to bed nice and early so you can have lots of sleep."

"Mummy dearest, I have been a good little girl and allowed the cats to eat their breakfast unmolested. I even stopped the bossy one from eating the stupid one's food!"

"It's alright, I won't do a tiny little piddle in my knickers and then scream for a nappy so I can do the rest. I'll go in the you-beaut potty you took me to Toys'r'us to choose in the hopes that I'd cease this ridiculous behaviour."

"You've not finished your tea. I'll leave you alone until you stop looking like a pink-haired zombie."

"What I'm eating is a lot better than what you have on your plate."

"I will explain exactly what is bothering me so as you can help sort it out."

"Yes, of course you can go to the toilet on your own while I play with my toys."

'I won't unravel the entire loo roll while trying to pull a piece off for you'

"Yes Mummy, I understand that my older brother wasn't put on this Earth purely to be at my beck and call every time I need help with my iPad game."

"Yes, one can really have too much of Ben and Holly".

"Please may I retire now as I'm feeling a little fatigued...". Ok, no one talks like that, but you get my drift.

LOVE his thread!

I'm tired, so I'll just go to sleep then :)