Things you never hear a toddler say

[Kasterborous]

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

no hugs while you are pouring boiling water?
ok, that's quite sensible actually

I don't want to talk about trains today. And I certainly won't cry for 30 minutes if you don't let me watch Thomas.

Look Mummy, I made lunch for both of us. Sorry for tucking in already, it's just that I don't want to be late for my nap. You know how I get terribly tired and cross.

In a hurry? Why didn't you say so? Here, let me get in the pushchair and put on my shoes and coat while you get the keys. I found them down the sofa so I put them right back on the hall table for you.

Thank you.

Put your phone in the toilet? What a ridiculous idea. I wouldn't dream of it.

How mortifying to think I might have inadvertently embarrassed you in public. I absolutely will never do THAT again.

Yes, I understand that having cleaned the toilet with my toothbrush I really should dispose of said toothbrush.

Of course im not going to stand in the potty, that would be stupid! Especially as I would then have to cry for half an hour as my feet Would be wet

Hmm, I'm a bit thirsty but as it's the middle of the night I think I'll just help myself to this sippy cup someone thoughtfully placed by my bed. No need to wake the whole household when I can do it myself.

I find Disney princesses a bit too pink and sparkly tbh, I think I'd like to dress up as a pirate today instead.

Mummy, I can see the baby is tired and hungry so I think it would be a good idea if you fed her and put her to bed, while Daddy gives me a bath and cleans my teeth. After all, I haven't seen him all day so it would be nice to catch up.

"D'you know what, Mum, I thought something major was wrong - I was going to start wailing and screaming, but actually, I realise I'm just a little bit tired, that's all. A little lie down and I will be right as rain again. Night!"

I see that my big sister has a friend over to play. It would be nice if I left them to play together without interfering. I wouldn't want to spoil things for them.

'Of course I won't throw myself on the pavement because I can't get on the bus that has just gone past, especially when we aren't even waiting for a bus'

ok, I get it, bits of tissue paper up my nose is not a good game.

It's OK, I'll eat the broken biscuit. After all it tastes the same and it will be missing a corner anyway once I start to munch it. And that banana with a tiny bit of black in it is fine too.

Oh thank you mummy , I love having my nose/face cleaned. It's pure joy.

An biscuit? No mummy that's unhealthy . I would prefer a super healthy vegan snack that you've spent ages making and bought lots of fancy ingredients for.

You are so right. Unplugging everything electrical is naughty and annoying .

'Of course I will get off the swing without making any fuss at all, after all that other little girl wants a turn and I have been hogging it'

I have been thinking mum, I completely understand that as you enter your 13th hour of looking after me as I potty train, and weaning my teething baby brother, you are at your lowest energy level and I won't therefore become even louder and more bouncy for the next hour until bedtime.....

As I'm not feeling well, I'll just curl up on the sofa watching a movie this afternoon. Then, an early bedtime would be lovely because I know sleep is the best medicine.

You take your time, Mum. No rush whatsoever.

'Your right mummy I can't carry my four big dinosaurs and four cars upstairs on my own. Can you help me please'.

Of course I won't attempt to stand up and poo mummy, I remember how horribly wrong that went this morning and I know you don't appreciate having to clean the toilet, floor and side of the wall with disinfectant yet again today.

I'm not going to stand on the window sill and give the old lady across the road another heart attack causing her to race over and knock frantically on the door while you're in the toilet mummy, even though the window is closed I know how dangerous it is. There's absolutely no chance of that happening again.

Yes I understand the wall is wet with paint and it would be ridiculous to touch it and make pink hand prints all over the new carpet that don't come out.

(This all happened today, how do I get through the next five hours without someone being killed?!?)