Things you never hear a toddler say

[Kasterborous]

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

IMO two is nothing. I've never understood people going on about the terrible twos. Three: now there you're talking. And four. And most of five.

Of course I'll wear my own suitable winter hat, and not Daddy's enormous, filthy, smelly black hooligan hat that comes down over my eyes and makes all the passers-by tut-tut at your shameful mothering skills, Mum. Of course.

Yes I'll let Daddy dress me while you are feeding the baby.
Dog poo? No, I didn't walk in dog poo.
I'll scoot all the way and not want to be carried.
Just a tiny slice of cake, please. Smaller than my brother's slice.

I feel rather nauseous - would you mind fetching a bowl I wouldn't want to ruin the carpet oh and a glass of water please.

I'll stop climbing on the sink, turning the taps on and 'washing up' now. I understand that you don't want the worktop and floor flooded more than once a day.

Yes, Mummy, you're right. Hamilton the pig and his fucking hats is not the best story I own. I will stop making you read it 4 times in quick succession every single day. If it mysteriously disappears again I will not rummage down the back of the sofa and pull it out.

"It was me"

Let me just grab a tissue and wipe my nose before I give you a kiss.

Wow! That apple/pear/toast is just right, exactly how I like it!

Zing my 2yo gleefully claims all his farts. He also claims most of his misdeeds, in a detached "fancy that, I deliberately drew on the chair" kind of way

No, of course I won't sit on my baby brother. That would be a daft thing to do. What on earth gave you the idea that I was considering it?

That lovely old lady over there you mean? The one who's face lit up when she caught sight of my beautiful big eyes, long eyelashes and fabulous chubby cheeks? Yes, of course, I'd love to smile at her, maybe have a little chat.

No, of course I won't hide my face and give her a look out of the corner of my eye that will make her feel like a social pariah. Nor will I recoil at her outstretched arm as if she is covered in scales.

She seems lovely, it's great to be able to make someone's day isn't it.

Horatia

how's baby btw? was thinking of you just yesterday!

'Now that you mention it, they are exactly the same, so I'll be happy to have either.'

'You need the loo? I'll stay here and give you some privacy. No, do take your time.'

DD is a bit young for this but:
Yes, I should be asleep now shouldn't I? I will lie down and close my eyes instead of whirling around and around my cot like the sodding Duracell bunny.

Sprouts? Yum!

ohmy

you will never hear me say that either!

"Oh, yes, mummy, you are correct. Four in the morning is too early to wake up and watch Fireman Sam. I will go back to sleep now, instead of poking you in the face every five seconds asking if Sam is on yet."

Proper LOL at ""I have no strong feelings either way, mummy."

I accept that you know much more than me mummy, and that if you tell me that the thing that flew overhead was an aeroplane, then I will accept that and not repeatedly insist that it was a helicopter.

You're driving mummy. Of course you can't give me a cuddle, retrieve my teddy from the floor, or magic a drink of water from thin air whilst you are doing so. It would be foolish of me to even ask. I'll wait until we get to our destination.

You haven't got any yoghurt? Ok, I'll stop asking for one and choose something else.

'If you give me the entire bag of crisps Mummy, I will keep tight hold of them and not immediately drop them all over the pavement, then have a massive strop because I can't eat them because they are all over the pavement'

no no mummy, its fine that you cut up my food like I asked you too and I in no way now expect you to be able to fix it.

no mummy, it makes perfect sense for you to flush the toilet when it seems I had forgotten, I absolutely won't have a screaming meltdown for twenty minutes about wanting my poo back

Yes it is your TV too - here's the remote..101 for the news yes?

Ah thanks Zing. He's three months old and 17lb.

So in the spirit of this thread...

"Milk? Nah. I had some only an hour ago."

Reins- what an excellent idea for keeping me safe!

Yes mummy you're right - 5:30 am is still night time and I suppose I don't need to go downstairs for breakfast right now. I'll go straight back to sleep now, so sorry for disturbing you.

I agree, the theme tune to 'Thomas and Friends' is the most annoying and potentially madness inducing piece of 'music' ever created.

I'd love a quick shower instead of a bath (that I'll not want to get into & then refuse to get out of.)

That was a full, complete and satisfactory answer to my question, I have no further questions...

I don't mind which pants/trousers/tshirt or shoes I wear today, they are all my favourites