Things you never hear a toddler say

[Kasterborous]

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

No you're right mummy, jam doesn't go with cheese and absolutely I agree it would be a waste of food if I insisted on having a jam and cheese sandwich and then didn't like it.

lunch. Sigh

I've had a lovely time but it's getting late and I think it's time for the play date to finish now. I will see my friend again soon. Thank you for having me. Good bye!

'Of course you can go for a wee in peace'

'Yes I will come and put my clothes on and not run around naked and wee on the carpet'

'Yes I will stop throwing myself all over you and the sofa while you try and drink a cup of tea'

'If you don't take my trike I promise to walk all of the five minutes to the park and back and you won't have to carry me at any point'

Ok I'll just sit quietly in the trolley while we go round tesco

Now that you mention it I do need a wee, I'll just stop what I'm doing and go now.

Chocolate? No thanks.

Thanks for letting me play on the iPad. I'll put it down nicely and not kick off unholy hell at being told I've had enough.

Disestablishmentarianism.

I quite fancy a lie in tomorrow and you look like you could do with the rest mummy.
I would much rather have water than juice thank you
can I have some fruit for pudding please?

Get back into bed, you say? Yes of course. Good night!

I can see you've spent time and money preparing a nutritious meal for me. I'll definitely give that a try.

Being fair, ds1 left his piece of cake with lunch.

now he's saying "please-@ a mum, have some cake?".

so adding "no i won't turn down food and then hours later ask for the exact same food"

Laughing out loud here.

How about, 'oh the car moves does it? Better not climb on that then. After all, I've only fallen off it half a dozen times today alone'

'You know what, you're right. Trying to eat stones from the driveways is really silly. And eating sand? Horrible tasting and I can't get the grittiness out, I won't do that again. And again. And again.'

And additional - 'my dinner really would be better than any of this'

It's ok mum I know what you're doing because you just told me, I don't need to ask you over and over again every 5 seconds. And please don't make me porridge no matter how much I beg for it as I don't even like it really.

'You're right, I really don't think my winky [penis] will fall off after all if I let go of it'

See, mine would ask for fruit over nearly anything else (perhaps thats how bad my cooking is .)

But, "yes Mummy, I understand that just because my big brother can manage something doesn't mean I can because my legs are smaller than his."

I don't want to know why.

of course my favourite trousers I liked a year ago don't fit me any more

It's cold today so I don't think I should wear shorts and a thin t shirt

no, I don't like eating stale duck bread.

yes I think an early night would do me good

Time to leave soft play? Okay, shoes on!

Please can I have vegetables?

I'll play with this toy and my brother can play with that one.

Lets hold hands, we are next to a busy road.

Shall we stay inside all day? Its very bad weather out there.

Wasting food is bad. I would never throw my food onto the floor.

You have to go food shopping? Oh good! Can I come with you?

I can see that time is of the essence, so I'll be sure to get dressed and get my coat on extra-quickly today.

There's only so much CBeebies one person can stand, I agree.

I probably do need my hair washed, yes.

Nah, I've already seen this episode of Doc McStuffins, let's turn the telly off.

You're right, I am singing the alphabet song in the wrong order!

I see you've just hoovered the floor, thus I have made every effort to keep my rice on the plate.

"This toy doesn't belong to me so of course I will give it back to its owner!"

Here you go dsis, why don't you have a turn oh and here- have some of my chocolate as well.

"Can I have x piece of food, however it comes. I'm easy"

May I remind you of the cutted up pear thread!!