I made a complete tit of myself today and cannot stop cringing. Pat my shoulder

[Gatekeeper]

...and say "there there"

In meeting today and part of it was a discussion about personal illnesses or conditions each of us has/had. I mentioned that most of my family - female side has an underactive thyroid and that I have yearly blood tests as mine is slowly getting there. I said "Thyroid" about ten times

Only I didn't...

I said "prostate" and wondered why the rest of them were looking at me like this . I clocked what I'd said and said "No, not my prostate, my thryoid. I am actually a women, at least my husband thinks so" ending on a horrible, whinnying haw haw laugh that I haven't heard before.

Ended up doing a comedy wipe of my face, and knocked my glasses off, where they landed on the middle of the floor. I said "shite" when this happened and not quietly either.

Dear God...not one of them cracked a smile or reacted- just looked at me for a split second and then started talking about something else

CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE..I am squirming in my seat just thinking about it

And I suspect NonnoMum isn't really JF!

No, it's not her!

at least you'll have a funny story to tell for the rest of your life.

Great stories. I also loved the dead leg on getting up from interview.

I was at a job interview recently, very professional and conservative job, and they reasonably asked me a predictable and simple question. What I like to do in my spare time. My answer was that I like to go clubbing. Fuck knows why, I'm 47 and haven't been clubbing in decades. I didn't get the job.

I am literally crying laughing and had to snort my way through reading half a dozen of these out to DP

I've just remembered one more horrible cringe moment.
I had a dentist appointment and as usual, turned up about 5 minutes early. When I sat down in the empty waiting room, one of the worst nightmares for a man started to happen to me. For no reason at all, a part of me went into a state of arousal. Now usually, you have to wait a while before you're called through. Not this time. "You can go through now Neil". I pretended not to hear her. She shouted it again and I seriously considered just walking out and going home.
I headed for my dentists room thinking of horrible things like him yanking my teeth out without anaesthetic to make it go away but it wouldn't and I knew if I lay on that chair, him and his assistant are bound to notice. I had a t shirt and tracksuit bottoms on so it's not like I could pull my jumper down or anything. I went in and just sat on the chair sideways, leaning forward a bit, talking and trying to stall him. Eventually I just gave up and lay back. Him and his dental nurse just looked at each other then pretended that they hadn't noticed. I could feel myself burning up with embarrassment.
I have changed dentists now.

why didnt you say you needed the toilet????!

I don't know Wistlin, I just couldn't think straight. I was panicking.

Shortly after my auntie was diagnosed with pre-cancerous cervical cells, I took my great uncle into hospital to get some blood taken. He was chirruping away to the girl taking his blood, and was telling her all about the saga. He then said to her in all seriousness "Do you think I'm at risk of getting that, love? Being family, and all that?" The girl was very professional but I thoroughly enjoyed taking the mick

MY MIL was a physio. She told me that if any of her patients became alert during manipulation a sharp tap saved embarrassment all round.

A sharp tap where? Surely you don't mean on the thing itself?
Plus he's a dentist. No. No I'm sorry limitedperiodonly but if he'd have done that to me I wouldn't have been happy at all.

I'd heard that before Limited - from nurses. If anything reared it's head during bedbaths or similar, a tap with a cold spoon...

... or oops, dropped the drill, in the dentist's case.

"William Shatner" just killed me.

Captainsmuumy's right neil. I don't think any of my MIL's patients were thrilled either, but as she'd say: 'Least said, soonest mended.'

She's a bit brisk, my MIL.

This week I was giving a talk that involved quoting William Morris, "the workman should again have control over his material, his tools, and his time" - only I read out tool, singular.

I didn't look up and, thankfully, did not hear any stifled laughter though I am a bit deaf

Yes, control over the tool is important. See above.

This is the thread that keeps on giving .

I just remembered a cringey moment from when I was about 13. I was swimming lengths with friends, backstroke, and managed to grab a random woman's entire boob as I swung my arm back.

I turned round to my mum in a crowded Woolworths once and said 'I'm BUSTING for a piss.'

The total stranger I was addressing had the grace to murmur her sympathy.

your not a medical professional though are you OP, would be an even better story if you were a GP say. (pat pat)

OK cringe...
Many years ago I was in a yoga class, there was only about 5 people in the class.
The teacher had us with our bums on chairs, legs over the back rest of the chair and shoulders on the floor. To help us stretch I think.
Well during being in this strange position some air got 'sucked up' into my fango.
Well you can imagine what happened when we dismounted the chair,
I let out the biggest fanny fart you have ever heard, and you can not control a fanny fart so it just went on and on
I didn't ever go back to the class again!

Oh newname that takes me back to the one yoga class I went to with my mum (I was a teen so it was a long time ago). Mum did a huge fanny fart and it completely undid the pair of us. We tried to silently giggle (it's impossible) but could not carry on with the class. No one else laughed but were probably relieved that (a) we left the class and (b) it wasn't them that did it.

When I was an intern I was organising a conference in another country, had got to the stage of confirming delegates, sent an email to my boss about a fairly important woman who was attending. He replied with a joke in the vein of "oh tell her blah blah blah" but although I get the joke now, at the time and via email I didn't understand and actually emailed her and asked her exactly what he'd said.

She was furious and emailed him immediately requesting my head on a plate, fortunately everyone else in the office (including my boss) found it hilarious as she has a rep for being a bit highly strung to begin with and I couldn't have known he was joking. I was so mortified but everyone who'd ever had to deal with her pretty much said I'd made their day.

Met the woman at the conference a few weeks later and feigned total innocence.

That is funny, Gatekeeper.

On the misnomer theme, my friend spent about 2 weeks last year telling everyone that her dh was staying home because he had cerebral palsy and 'looked really awful'.

She couldn't work out why everyone was until, finally, she realised she meant Bell's Palsy.

Sorry -can't claim to be the v lovely Judy F, but thought it was a good example!