I made a complete tit of myself today and cannot stop cringing. Pat my shoulder

[Gatekeeper]

...and say "there there"

In meeting today and part of it was a discussion about personal illnesses or conditions each of us has/had. I mentioned that most of my family - female side has an underactive thyroid and that I have yearly blood tests as mine is slowly getting there. I said "Thyroid" about ten times

Only I didn't...

I said "prostate" and wondered why the rest of them were looking at me like this . I clocked what I'd said and said "No, not my prostate, my thryoid. I am actually a women, at least my husband thinks so" ending on a horrible, whinnying haw haw laugh that I haven't heard before.

Ended up doing a comedy wipe of my face, and knocked my glasses off, where they landed on the middle of the floor. I said "shite" when this happened and not quietly either.

Dear God...not one of them cracked a smile or reacted- just looked at me for a split second and then started talking about something else

CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE..I am squirming in my seat just thinking about it

[Lancelottie]

I used to work for a publisher.

Some of the authors kept on sending extra changes to their manuscript, so I sent a message to the production team saying, 'As they keep fiddling, I suggest we sit on the poofs for a few days longer.'

P-R-oofs. Argh.
At least I didn't suggest shooting the buggers.

[ThenSheSaid]

I love this one as it is such a simple, yet understandable, mistake. I could imagine doing this myself.

The other people sound like a bunch of misery guts.

[limitedperiodonly]

I went to a council meeting where they were discussing the proposed name of a new development which had been built behind the facade of an 18th century coaching inn. The rest of the inn had been demolished.

It had been called The Cock.

Some bore had researched the inn and was lobbying for the name of the first landlord, presumably because rather than in spite of the fact that no one but him would get the obscure reference.

One councillor tried to politely say what a bad idea this was and said: 'Sadly, I don't think many people would understand that Brian. Though we're very grateful that you did all that research.

'Anyway, I'm in favour of keeping the flavour of The Cock Inn.'

Poor woman.

[SarahAndFuck]

You can all laugh but for hours I was worried about small furry cat corpses being left in the garden

I might as well tell this story again now as well now and complete the shame.

I used to take DS to swimming lessons. There was a very narrow balcony for parents to watch the lessons from, with a limited amount of chairs and viewing space.

One family used to arrive en-mass and have the entire clan watch one small child in the pool week after week, and they got into the habit of saving chairs for each other, to the point of having another child sprawl across three of them to save them or putting coats all along the row.

One week I went to sit down on the only empty chair left, only for the father of this family to actually push me away while saying he was saving the seat for his wife.

I think it was the push that did it, because I sat down on it anyway at the exact same moment as he draped his arm protectively around the back of the chair.

Meaning that I was now sitting with his arm around my shoulders. We were both more than a bit surprised, but I didn't move and he didn't move and not one other parent on that balcony said a word but they all looked a lot more jolly than usual for the rest of the session.

We just sat in silence, carefully not looking at each other, with his arm around me, until his wife walked in a few minutes later and stared at us until he removed his arm and made one of his other children stand up so she could have their chair instead.

[FreudiansSlipper]

oh honey poor you there there we all say silly things at times :)

but thank you for making me giggle snort until tears came to my eyes



i am always saying/typing the wrong thing hence my name. i was once posting about wanting to go on a walking holiday and typed wanking holiday

[CMOTDibbler]

Years ago, I was at my first conference in a new job. Big boss is there etc, trying to make a good impression.
I was sat showing a customer something, then pushed myself back with my feet to turn round to him. But the chair was a folding one. And it folded. Leaving me on the floor. And I swore loudly.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Oh goodness thanks Gatekeeper this should be in 'Classic'!

Yes I do stuff like this (hopefully will remember and come back). Thanks everyone, notably NeilJames the domino effect of cringe on the lightjeans wearer is priceless - I laughed so much I had to bite my arm to stifle myself

[TantrumsandBananas]

these are brilliant!

Few years ago - interviewed for a job with my shirt completely undone - it was a very hot summer, and I was in a rush when I dressed.

Couldn't understand why the interviewer looked so terrified, which caused me to go into nervous OTT loud high pitched giggle mode. I only realised once I was shown out. Mind you could have told me!

[sOODdragon]

I saw the thread title and thought "oh here we go again... Sigh" and, as always happens I am sitting here crying.

TBH, I'm surprised any MNers are employable given the stories that come up on these threads!!

[TantrumsandBananas]

SarahandFuck Crying with laughter.

[RalphGnu]

Oh god, DS has just asked me why I'm crying!

[HazleNutt]

sarah I almost choked here. Meow, bang

My story - very high level Xmas dinner at work: my boss, his boss, group president, his boss from the corporation headquarters etc.

After a few drinks I was telling a joke to my neighbours. People laughed. The biggest boss, who had been chatting to someone else, asked what we were laughing about. And of course, instead of repeating the joke, I just repeated the punchline. Really LOUD, so everybody at the table, who also didn't know it was a part of a joke, could hear it and assume that this was a personal opinion of mine.

The punchline was "There are no ugly men, just not enough vodka!"

So basically the whole management of the company now thinks I get drunk and sleep with anybody. Yes, still work there.

[InfiniteJest]

SarahandFuck that is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

[MTBMummy]

Trying so hard not to cry with laughter at these, thank you I needed the cheering up.

I'm rather accustomed at doing entirely stupid things in the worst situations

In an interview when discussing strengths and weaknesses, I meant to say I was good at dealing with complex problems by thinking about things logically , instead said "I give good head" - to a female interviewer she just raised her eyebrows and asked if I wanted to reconsider my answer

In my teens while walking into school assembly I was checking out one of the guys a few years older than me - I walked into a dustbin and ended up toppling in (metal dustbins on concrete are a sure fire way to make enough noise to get everyone's attention)

[LucyBabs]

Oh feck me side ways I am actually crying laughing baby ds thinks I'm crying at Mr Tumble!

gatekeeper You are hilarious

There are too many to mention but someone mentioned their friend asked for a piano instead of a bunch of bananas hahahaha

Please keep them coming mners, this thread has cheered me up

[PooInTheNight]

I've got tears in my eyes at these!! It's almost as funny as the I pooed on my skirt thread

[AnnieLobeseder]

I'm not from the UK, so even though my first language is English, I'm not always aware of "local colloquialisms".

I used to run cross-country with my dogs. It's a sport called cani-cross. But me, I have a tendency to make up my own names for things, which can sometimes backfire spectacularly.

One day a colleague asked me if I had any plans for the weekend, and I did indeed have a cani-cross race planned.

So I cheerily replied, "Yes, I'm going to be doing a spot of cross-country dogging!"

After everyone had fallen about in hysterics, said colleague quietly took me aside and gently explained why I should probably not refer to my hobby as "dogging" in future.

[AscoyneDAscoyne]

Gatekeeper yours is the first MN post that's made me laugh out loud. I think the glasses and he-haw laugh rounded it off nicely. You sound like fun, your colleagues not so much.

[frumpypigskin]

I moved into a new rental property years ago. It was a basement flat and had been empty for a while and had weird little insect cases on the hallway walls.

The gas man came to take a reading just as I had the hoover out to get rid of the insects. We started chatting and I was talking about getting the flat more presentable and said 'I'm now going to suck all these insects off'. I then realised what I had said and dissolved into giggles which was made worse when he just stood looking at me.

He left quickly afterwards.

[limitedperiodonly]

I've had my shirt undone at an important meeting and no one told me. I also sat on a chair that collapsed under me. I've heard that some people do that deliberately at interviews to see how the candidates cope.

Slightly different, I was in meeting where one of the other women kept tapping and stroking her nose at the person chairing the meeting, who was a bit of a cow.

The cow said: 'OFGS! If you want to scratch your nose or pick it, just do it.'

The other woman said: 'You've got a big bogey up your nose. I was trying to be discreet but I don't think I'll bother now.'

[tabbyH]

There there! Pat pat pat.

My ex once stood up in a meeting and said '...and then I had sex!' I don't know if he was daydreaming or what, but he hadn't!

I come out with some right corkers. Too many to list.

[MTBMummy]

I've also done the unbuttoned shirt at work thing, I was having lunch with colleagues and couldn't figure out why all the guys were sitting across the table, a few even sat down next to me then moved, I was convinced I had done something stupid not noticed a fart

Until another female sat down and pointed it out

Thankfully I had on a nice new bra and a pre BF'ing cleavage

[ExcuseTypos]

Oh these are so funny.

Won't ever think of William Shatner in the same way again.

[NameoftheRose]

A good friend of mine ( really, this happened to a friend) took her small children for a picnic in the forest. At some point she needed a pee, so disappeared into the ferns to go. Unfortunately she got her angles all wrong and peed on her knickers.

She took them off, hid them in the nappy bag and continued, knickerless with the picnic. She was wearing a skirt, so wasn't overly relaxed, but hey, what's the worse that could happen?

On returning home she discovered she'd locked herself out, but there was an upstairs window open. Her over-friendly male neighbour hoved into view with the offer of a ladder, which she gratefully accepted.
The ladder was leaned against the house, but to her horror the man refused to go up it, claiming a bad back or something.

So my friend climbed knickerless up the ladder with the neighbour footing the bottom of it, looking up her skirt as she went up.

And she had to go on living next door to him for years and years...

[onlysettleforbutterflies]

Oh god, so much for discreet mumsnetting at work, I am sat here with tears and snot streaming!

New job, trying to impress new colleagues, found it a bit odd that during my presentation lots of people in the room were looking at my crotch, walked out of the room and looked down . I was wearing a top with a long side tie (were all the rage years ago), had it tucked in to my trousers so it didn’t dangle below my jacket, been to the toilet and somehow the long stripey dangly bit was hanging out of my fly. It had been a good few hours since I had been to the toilet.

Boss was going in to a meeting and said he would text a message to my desk phone – so it would be a voice recorded message, if they needed anything bringing in. Phone rings and I hear it’s a voice message going on about breakfast cereal and how good it is for you, I assume he must be bored so just trying to be funny. I was surprised but thought I would respond in good humour and sent him a long email trying to be equally as funny and talking about my breakfast preferences. After the meeting, boss comes up to me and asks why on earth I emailed him saying that I prefer toast in the morning, rather than cereal….turns out voice message was an advert and not from him at all . I cried with laughter for days after that.